“I’m planning on being spontaneous sometime next week”
"Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was posted on the newsgroup bit.listserv.os2-l on August 15, 1997. Authorship is…
“I’m planning to start a jewelry business. If you want to help, give me a ring”
"Give me a ring" usually means a telephone ring and not a diamond ring, but there are jokes. "Planning to start a jewellery business. If you want to help, give me a ring" was…
“I’m quitting to pursue my dream of not working here”
Many people quit their jobs to follow their dreams. "I'm quitting to pursue my dream of not working here" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I'm…
“I’m really glad they made the Children’s Aid Society” (Children’s Aid Society jingle)
"I'm really glad they made the Children's Aid Society" is the popular jingle, available for listening on the Society's website. The Children's Aid Society began in New…
“I’m retired. Every day is Saturday”
"I'm retired. Every day is Saturday" is a saying that has been printed on many images. Every Day is Saturday (1934) was the title of a collection of essays from The New Yorker…
“I’m retired. I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today”
"I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today" (or "I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and now I'm tired again") is a jocular saying that has…
“I’m rubber and you’re glue. She’s tape. He’s a stapler. All my friends are office supplies”
"I'm rubber, you're glue; whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you" is a children's saying about insults. "Markydoodoo" posted a different version of…
“I’m running out of unproductive things to do at work”
"I'm running out of unproductive things to do at work" is a jocular statement that has been printed on a Rottenecard. "I'm running out of unproductive things to do at…
“I’m so fake at work. I be using words like,‘That’s awesome!’ and ‘You bet!’”
Many people act fake at work, pretending to be pleasant and agreeable with co-workers. "I'm so fake at work. I honestly don't give two fucks about how your days been going smh"…
“I’m so old, I went to an antique auction and three people bid on me”
Some people are so old, they're antiques. "I can tell that I am getting older I went to an antique auction today and three people bid on Me!" was pote on Facebook by Jonathan Ritter…
“I’m so single when they ask for an emergency contact, I’ve just been putting Jesus”
"I'm so single when they ask for an emergency contact, I've just been putting Jesus" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. Many employers and health…
“I’m sorry, but you can’t *always* be experiencing a higher volume of calls than average…”
Some call centers always seem to state that they are experiencing a higher volume of calls than average, and they always place customers on hold. "Why is it that all the places one calls are…
“I’m starting a company recycling discarded chewing gum. I just need help getting it off the ground”
"I'm looking to start up my own business, recycling discarded chewing gum. Just need help getting it off the ground" was posted on Twitter by Sickipedia Official (and many others) on…
“I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning”
"I'm staying home today. I have mood poisoning" -- a pun on "food poisoning -- is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I’m staying home today! I’ve…
“I’m still tired from yesterday’s tired. Today isn’t looking so good, and I’ve already used up…”
"I'm still tired from yesterday's tired" and "I'm still tired from yesterday's tired. Today isn't looking so good, and I've already used up…
“I’m still tired from yesterday’s tired”
"I'm still tired from yesterday's tired" and "I'm still tired from yesterday's tired. Today isn't looking so good, and I've already used up…
“I’m still working in the antique shop. Nothing new there”
An antique shop sells old things, and "antique shop" has become equivalent to "nothing new." "Having seen your offense once is like unto having viewed an 'antique…
“I’m such an expert on palmistry, I’ve written a handbook”
"Handbooks" are usually not about hands, but sometimes they are. "I'm quite the expert on palmistry, I've written a handbook" was posted on Twitter by sikjokes2011 on…
“I’m the sole provider for my family. They can buy the rest of the shoes themselves…”
"Sole provider" means the only provider. It usually doesn't mean the provider of shoe soles, but there are jokes. "I'm the sole provider for my family. They can buy the…
“I’m thinking about pursuing a job as a crowd estimator. I wonder how many are in that field”
A joke about the job of estimating crowds is: "I am thinking about pursuing a job as a crowd estimator. I wonder how many people are in that field." The joke was posted on Reddit -- Jokes…