“I’ll sign anything except bad legislation” (Kinky Friedman)
When author/musician Kinky Friedman ran for governor of Texas in 2005-2006, many people asked for his autograph. "I'll sign anything except bad legislation" was an often-used…
“I’m from Texas. What country are you from?”
"I'm from Texas. What country are you from?" has appeared on bumper stickers since the 1990s. Texas used to be a country; some people believe it still is. StickerZombie.comI'M…
“I’m like horse manure in a rodeo (i.e., everywhere)” (Liz Smith)
Liz Smith (1923-2017) a nationally syndicated gossip columnist. She's based in New York City, but she was born in Fort Worth, Texas and educated at the University of Texas (Austin). Every once…
“I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one”
“I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one” has been cited in print since at least September 2011 and was popularly used on signs in the Occupy Wall Street movement during…
“If a barbecue place has a drive-through, it probably isn’t good”
"If a barbecue place has a drive-through, it probably isn't good/authentic" is a barbecue saying that probably can't be dated. Barbecue celebrates "low and slow"…
“If a cowboy dies and comes back to life, is it called reintarnation?”
"Reintarnation" is a portmanteau word from "reincarnation" and "tarnation." There are several cowboy jokes that use the term. "When a cowboy dies and is…
“If a man can’t curse his friends, whom can he curse?” (Sam Houston)
"If a man can't curse his freinds, whom can he curse?" is allegedly a typical Texan sentiment from Sam Houston. August 1869, Overland Monthly and Out West Magazine, South-Western…
“If all the Texas steers were one steer, he would have his front feet in the Gulf of Mexico…”
Texas author Boyce House (1896-1961) is best known for his short, best-selling Texas humor books published during World War II, providing a chuckle to Texans and non-Texans everywhere. House also…
“If all you ever do is all you’ve ever done, then all you’ll get is all you ever got”
"If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got" has been cited in print since at least 1984. The saying was used in weight control and wellness,…
“If dumb were dirt, you would be about an acre”
"If dumb were dirt, you would be about an acre" is said be some to be a Texas expression; Texas certainly has lots of dirt. Variants of the saying include "you would cover about an…
“If English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for Texas”
"If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for Texas schoolchildren" is allegedly the quotation of "Ma" ( or "Pa") Ferguson, at a time when Spanish…
“If God didn’t want us to eat meat, he wouldn’t have invented steak sauce”
Texans love barbecue. "If God didn't want us to eat meat, he wouldn't have invented steak sauce" is Texan talk from at least the 1990s. Retrograde.com Posted: 10/16/06 06:58AM…
“If God had wanted Texans to ski, He would have given them mountains”
"If God had wanted Texans to ski, He would have given them mountains" is an anti-Texas bumper sticker that appeared in New Mexico and in Colorado in the 1970s. Actually, it was Texas…
“If God isn’t a Longhorn, why is the sunset burnt orange?”
"If God isn't a Longhorn, why is the sunset burnt orange?" is a saying used by some fans of the University of Texas Longhorns. The official team color is burnt orange. Similar…
“If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent Texas and live in Hell” (Philip Sheridan)
"If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent Texas and live in Hell" is a famous statement of U.S. General Philip Henry Sheridan in 1866. A later account (1883, below) tries to temper the…
“If I tell you a hen dips snuff, you can look under its wing”
"If I tell you a hen dips snuff, you can look under its wing (and you'll find a whole can)" is an expression that means the speaker is telling the truth, and it can be checked out.…
“If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas”
"If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas" was a proverb of Don Meredith (1938-2010), an SMU and Dallas Cowboys quarterback and Monday Night Football…
“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it" is an expression that was popularized by American businessman Bert Lance (1931-2013) in December 1976, referring to the machine of the federal…
“If it can’t be found in Dallas, it can’t be found anywhere in the world”
Dallas has great shopping, with perhaps more shopping centers per capita than any other major city in the United States. The Dallas shopping motto is: "If it can't be found in Dallas, it…
“If it doesn’t say ‘Texas,’ it’s not Texas Roadhouse” (restaurant slogan)
The slogan of the Texas Roadhouse restaurant since 2001 is: "If it doesn't say 'Texas,' it's not Texas Roadhouse." The irony is that the restaurant chain began in 1993…