“If it grows, it will stick you; If it crawls, it will bite you”
"If it grows, it will stick you; if it crawls, it will bite you" has appeared on internet joke lists from the early 2000s. The saying is attributed to the Texas way of life, but the…
“If it looks like a taco and smells like a fish…” (Fuzzy’s Taco Shop in Fort Worth)
Fuzzy's Taco Shop in Fort Worth and Denton calls itself "Home of the Original Fish Taco." Fuzzy's is open late and is a favorite hangout for students at Texas Christian…
“If it’s inevitable, relax and enjoy it” (said of Texas weather)
Probably, the construction of this phrase began: "If the heat (of summer) is inevitable, relax and enjoy it." The phrase was also said of winter. A variant became: "If defeat's…
“If Texas saw many, many more tornadoes, it would be called “Vortexas’”
"VorTexas" (vortex + Texas) is a portmanteau word that is sometimes used. "#vorTexas" was posted on Twitter by Tammi Jonas on July 16, 2011. "If Texas saw many, many more…
“If the good Lord’s willin’ (and the creeks don’t rise)”
"If the Good Lord's Willin' (and the Creeks Don't Rise)" means that if all goes well and nothing unforeseen occurs, this event will happen. "If The Good Lord's…
“If worms carried pistols, birds wouldn’t eat ‘em”
"If worms carried pistols, birds wouldn’t eat ‘em" ("If worms had machine guns, birds wouldn't eat them") is a saying of unknown origin. "If worms had machine…
“If you ain’t from Texas, you’re a Yankee”
"If you ain't from Texas, you're a Yankee" was printed in the Knoxville (TN) News-Sentinel on November 22, 1981. "If you're not from Texas, you're a Yankee"…
“If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets”
"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit" is a jocular saying that has been cited in print since at least 1972. "If you can't dazzle them with…
“If you can’t take their money…and vote against them, you don’t belong in the legislature”
"If you can't take their money, drink their whiskey, screw their women, and vote against 'em anyway, you don't belong in the Legislature" is a quote by Molly Ivins…
“If you cut Alaska in half, Texas is the third largest state”
Alaska became the 49th state in the United States on January 3, 1959. Alaska's great size meant that Texas was no longer the largest state in the United States -- as Texans have long liked to…
“If you don’t have an oil well, get one!” (Eddie Chiles of Western Company)
"If you don't have an oil well, get one!" is a saying that has appeared on bumper stickers. The saying began with Eddie Chiles and his Western Company (an oil services company)…
“If you don’t like our wings, we’ll give you the bird” (Pluckers)
"If you don't like our wings, we'll give you the bird" is the slogan of Pluckers, a chicken wing restaurant that was originated by University of Texas at Austin students in…
“If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes” (weather saying)
"If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes (and it will change)" is a weather saying in many parts of the world. Mark Twain (1835-1910) is often credited with originating it,…
“If you know beans about chili, you know that chili has no beans” (1976)
"If you know beans about chili, you know that chili has no beans" is a 1976 song by Ken Finlay, owner of the Cheatham Street Warehouse in San Marcos, Texas. The song has been sung at many…
“If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas”
Texas is a large state. "You measure distances in hours out here, not miles" was printed in the Austin (TX) American-Statesman on July 7, 1996. "You Know You're From A Small…
“If you see a turtle on a fence, he had help getting there”
"If you see a turtle sitting on a fencepost, he had help getting there" is one of Bill Clinton's favorite phrases. The phrase is popular in both Arkansas and Texas to indicate the…
“If you snooze, you lose”
"If you snooze, you lose" has been the advertising pitch of many in retail sales. Tom Parsons' Best Fares (bestfares.com), based in Irving, Texas, has long used (since the 1980s) the…
“If you think you can, you can” (Mary Kay Ash?)
The cosmetics founder Mary Kay Ash (1918-2001) is often credited with: "If you think you can, you can. If you think you can, you're right." However, she admitted that she received…
“If you took all the fools out of the Lege, it wouldn’t be a representative body”
"If you took all the fools out of the Texas Legislature (Lege), it wouldn't be a representative body" is a remark that has been cited in print since at least 1986. Texas writer Molly…
“In queso emergency, go to your nearest TexMex restaurant”
"In queso emergency, go to your nearest TexMex restaurant" is a jocular saying that was cited on Twitter on November 20, 2012. "I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in…