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February 27, 2020
Food/Drink

“If you eat too much prison chili, you might lose your right to remain silent”

Many prisons serve chili. Some prison chili is quite good, such as the famous Dallas County Jail Chili (Texas Prison Chili). On the American comedy television program Most Extreme Elimination…

September 30, 2012
Education/Schools

“If you educate a woman, you educate a nation”

"If you educate a woman, you educate a family/nation" is a much-cited education adage that has been credited to many people. Catherine Esther Beecher (1800-1878), an American educator,…

March 2, 2025
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If you elected a billionaire who’s appointing other billionaires to fix the system that made them billionaires, you must be a special kind of stupid”

"YOU ELECTED A BILLIONAIRE THAT IS APPOINTING OTHER BILLIONAIRES TO FIX THE SYSTEM THAT MADE THEM BILLIONAIRES? YOU'RE A SPECIAL KIND OF STUPID AREN'T YOU?" (shown on an image)…

June 4, 2016
Sports/Games

“If you even dream of beating me, you’d better wake up and apologize”

"If you even dream of beating me, you'd better wake up and apologize" is a boxer's taunt that was popularized by Muhammad Ali (1942-2016). Ali said about competitor Joe Frazier…

December 11, 2025
Food/DrinkWork/Businesses

“If you ever feel like giving up, just remember the last thing to grow on a fruit tree is the fruit”

"The last thing to grow on a fruit tree is the fruit" is a motivational saying that has been printed on many images. Authorship is unknown. "Not seeing results? Feel like giving up?…

November 25, 2019
Buildings/Housing/Parks

“If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly because communication is key”

"Communication is key" is a saying; it doesn't refer to an actual key that opens locks, but there are jokes. "If communication is the key...we are locked out" was posted on…

September 30, 2017
Food/Drink

“If you ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne, hit it with a ship”

Paul F. Taylor submitted this champagne bottle joke to the Edinburgh Festival Fringe in 2009: "If you ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne. My advice, hit it with a ship. I've…

March 3, 2025
Food/DrinkTransportation

“If you ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne. My advice, hit it with a ship. I’ve seen people do that. It works”

A ship is often christened by breaking a sacrificial bottle of champagne over the bow. "If you ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne. My advice, hit it with a ship. I've seen…

May 22, 2022
Food/Drink

“If you ever hear me order decaf coffee, I’ve been kidnapped and I’m trying to signal you”

"If you ever hear me order a decaf coffee, I've been kidnapped and I'm trying to signal you" is a jocular coffee saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was…

February 16, 2021
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics”

Politicians have been known to stretch the truth. "If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics" was written by American humorist Will Rogers (1879-1935) in his…

February 16, 2021
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If you ever injected truth into politics you’d have no politics”

Politicians have been known to stretch the truth. "If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics" was written by American humorist Will Rogers (1879-1935) in his…

June 24, 2021
Buildings/Housing/Parks

“If you ever start to feel too confident, just get out of a bean bag chair in front of people”

Entry in progress -- BP TwitterDaniPete@mrsdanipetersonI'm pretty confident there is no graceful way to get out of a hammock.4:44 PM · Jun 24, 2013·Twitter for Android TwitterAndrea…

May 30, 2024
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“If you ever think I’m ignoring you, I swear I am. My phone is in my hand 24/7”

When a person doesn't respond to a text, is that intentional or is that person just away from a phone? "My phone is always in my hand so if you think I’m ignoring you, I am" is a…

April 4, 2022
Food/Drink

“If you ever want to quit drinking, eat Twizzlers. They’re not alcohol, but they’re liquorish”

"Licorice" sounds like "liquorish." "Hahaaa Twizzlers look like this http://bit.ly/n4Da9P :) They're liquorish :)" was posted on Twitter by…

April 18, 2016
Exercise/Running/Health Clubs

“If you exercise, you might get a trophy. If you don’t, you might get atrophy”

"If you exercise, you might get a trophy. If you don't, you might get atrophy" is a popular meme. "My trainer told me even if I don't win a trophy, I could get…

October 15, 2024
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If you export bombs, don’t complain about importing refugees”

"If you export bombs, don't complain about importing refugees" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "If you export bombs don't expect flowers in return"…

October 15, 2024
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If you export bombs, expect to import refugees”

"If you export bombs, don't complain about importing refugees" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "If you export bombs don't expect flowers in return"…

February 6, 2017
Education/Schools

“If you fail your kindergarten coloring book exam, you need a shoulder to crayon”

The expression "a shoulder to cry on" is often changed to the pun "a shoulder to crayon." "I'm really upset that I can't find a body part to draw, I need a…

December 24, 2021
Restaurants/Bars/Coffeehouses/Food Stores

“If you fear change, leave it here” (tip jar sign)

"If you fear change, leave it here" is a tip jar sign that has been printed on many images. "If you fear change, leave it here" was printed in The Oregonian (Portland, OR) on…

February 5, 2023
Food/Drink

“If you feel the need to point out that I look tired, the least you could do is buy me a coffee”

"If you feel the need to point out that I look tired, the least you could do is buy me a coffee" is a coffee saying that has been printed on many images. "If u feel the need to point…

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BARRY POPIK is a contributor to the Oxford English Dictionary, Dictionary of American Regional English, Historical Dictionary of American Slang, Yale Book of Quotations and Dictionary of Modern Proverbs. Since 1990 he has also been a regular contributor to Gerald Cohen's Comments on Etymology.

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