“If pessimism were an Olympic sport, I would still not win it”
"If pessimism was/were an Olympic sport...” is the start of a joke. "If pessimism was an Olympic sport... I'd still probably only get bronze at best. #Olympics" was posted on…
“If pigs could fly, imagine how good their wings would taste”
"If pigs could fly, I bet their wings would taste delicious" is a food thought that has been printed on an ecard. "If pigs really could fly, I bet their wings would taste absolutely…
“If police are really here to protect us, the entire government would be in prison”
"If police are really here to protect us, the entire government would be in prison" (or "If the police were here to protect us, the entire government would be arrested") is a…
“If printing money would end poverty, printing diplomas would end stupidity”
"Pensar que imprimiendo billetes se acaba con la pobreza es como pensar que imprimiendo diplomas se acaba con la ignorancia" ("Thinking that printing banknotes ends poverty is like…
“If prisoners took their own mug shots, they would be called ‘cellfies’”
"Do prisoners take cellfies?" was posted on Twitter by Michael Willits on August 27, 2013. "Cellfie" (cell + selfie) is a portmanteau word. "party-in-the-morgue:…
“If pro and con are opposites, is Congress the opposite of progress?”
A popular pro/con joke goes: "If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con,' what's the opposite of progress?" The joke about Congress dates to at least 1880, when it was…
“If pro is the opposite of con, then the opposite of the Constitution is prostitution”
A popular pro/con joke goes: "If pro is the opposite of con, then the opposite of the Constitution is prostitution." "The opposite of Constitution is Prostitution" was cited in…
“If procrastination was an Olympic sport, I would participate in the next one”
"If procrastination was/were an Olympic sport..." is the start of a joke that has been printed on many images. "If procrastination were an olympic sport, I'd take home the…
“If procrastination were an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later”
"If procrastination was/were an Olympic sport..." is the start of a joke that has been printed on many images. "If procrastination were an olympic sport, I'd take home the…
“If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?”
"If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?" is a one-line pun on the word "testicle." "If a small quiz is a quizzical, what's a small test?" was cited in print in…
“If red meat has so much iron in it, why don’t cows rust?”
Meat contains iron, called heme iron, that can be readily absorbed. That doesn't mean that animals are made of iron, but there are jokes. "If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t…
“If regular guns are firearms, squirt guns should be called waterarms”
"If regular guns are firearms, squirt guns should be called waterarms" was posted on Twitter by [Cat face]ri-Warui on October 24, 2017. "If guns are firearms, then are squirt guns…
“If religious schools teach religion and trade schools teach trade, then what do state schools teach?”
What do state schools teach? "If trade schools teach trades, and religious schools teach religion, then what do state schools teach?" was posted on Facebook by Justin Damask on May 23,…
“If roosters can start the day by screaming then damn it, so can I”
"If roosters can start the/their day by screaming, then (damn it) so can I" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "If a rooster can start the day screaming then so can…
“If roosters can start their day by screaming, then so can I”
"If roosters can start the/their day by screaming, then (damn it) so can I" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "If a rooster can start the day screaming then so can…
“If Santa Claus should fail to call, bears may come to Broad & Wall” (Santa Claus Rally)
A "Santa Claus Rally" is a stock rally at the end of the year, at Christmas and New Year's Day. Yale Hirsch first described the rally in his Stock Trader's Almanac. By 1972,…
“If school isn’t a place to sleep, then home isn’t a place to study”
"If school isn't a place to sleep, then home isn't a place to study" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "If the school is not a place to sleep so the…
“If science was never questioned, you’d still be drinking cocaine…”
"If science was never questioned, you’d still be drinking cocaine, giving kids cough syrup with heroin, spraying people with DDT, and smoking the cigarette brand your doctor…
“If self driving cars become a huge industry, ice cream trucks will be mobile vending machines”
Are food trucks really mobile vending machines? "And instead of food trucks, we refer to them as mobile vending machines?" was posted on Twitter on December 20, 2016. "If self…
“If service is below you, leadership is beyond you”
"If service/serving is below/beneath you, leadership is beyond you" is a saying that has been printed on many images. The saying is somewhat related to Matthew 23:11, "The greatest…