“I only practice safe sex in bank vaults”
"Safe sex" is sometimes joked to be sex in a bank vault (a safe). "A woman that thinks safe sex is making love in a bank vault and that ironing is bench pressing 300 lbs." was…
“I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country” (Nathan Hale)
Nathan Hale is celebrated as America's first spy. He was hung by British forces in New York City on September 22, 1776, and various memorials in the city celebrate his story. His now-famous…
“I only saw Act I. The program said ‘Act II, one year later,’ and I couldn’t wait that long”
A theater program often says that Act II has the same location as Act I, or that Act II takes place a year later than Act I. There are jokes about both. "I only saw Act I. The program said…
“I only saw Act I. The program said ‘Act II, same as Act I,’ but I didn’t want to see it over again”
A theater program often says that Act II has the same location as Act I, or that Act II takes place a year later than Act I. There are jokes about both. "I only saw Act I. The program said…
“I only say ‘I love you to 1. Family 2. Lifelong Friends 3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago”
Many people immediately fall in love with dogs. "I be saying I love you to dogs I just met 4 seconds ago... And I’ll mean that shit too 🐶 ❤️" was posted on X/Twitter by Papa…
“I only trust one thing in the newspaper these days: Fish & Chips. And even that I take with a big pinch of salt”
Fish and chips in the United Kingdom used to be served wrapped in a newspaper page, although this practice has mostly ended. The fish and chips were literally "in" a newspaper, but were…
“I only want to be friends with people who don’t like pickles so they give me their pickles”
"People who don't like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I only want to be friends with…
“I opened a bar for men with erectile dysfunction. It was a total flop. Nobody came”
"I opened a club for men with erectile dysfunction too but our first night was a success. We had a soft opening" was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on May 21, 2015. "I opened a nightclub…
“I opened a tub of margarine & inside was a lump of green slime. I can’t believe it, snot butter”
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! is a brand substitute for butter. "I can’t believe it's snot butter" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I…
“I opened two gifts this morning. They were my eyes”
"I opened two gifts this morning. They were my eyes" is an inspirational saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was posted on Twitter on December 25, 2014. TwitterJ…
“I oppose Taco Tuesday because it sends the message that the other days aren’t also for tacos”
"I oppose Taco Tuesday (only) because it sends the message that (the) other days aren't also for tacos" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The speaker is in…
“I oppose Taco Tuesday only because it sends the message that other days aren’t also for tacos”
"I oppose Taco Tuesday (only) because it sends the message that (the) other days aren't also for tacos" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The speaker is in…
“I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee”
“I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee” is a one-line coffee saying that has been printed on many images. "Coffee quote of the day: 'I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of…
“I ordered a Manhattan and that Indian bartender charged me $24!”
Peter Minuit purchased the island of Manhattan from the Lenape Indians for $24 worth of trinkets in 1626, according a popular New York City legend. A joke was published in the Los Angeles (CA)…
“I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but.. I’d accidentally ordered Avogadro’s Toast”
"Avocado toast" shouldn't be called "Avogadro toast," but there are jokes. "Avogadro's toast" was posted on Twitter by Andrew Kim on September 13, 2016.…
“I ordered tennis balls on the internet, but the site crashed. Must be problems with the server”
Websites often have a problem with a "server," providing the basis of tennis puns. "Just tried to get on the British Tennis Association's website but they're having…
“I ordered tennis balls on the internet, but the site crashed. Must be problems with the server”
Websites often have a problem with a "server," providing the basis of tennis puns. "Just tried to get on the British Tennis Association's website but they're having…
“I ordered two large fries, not a hundred little ones!”
"Large fries" and "small fries" are the same size of french fries -- the "large" order just contains more of them. "mcdonalds employee: please sir, get off the…
“I overshare on social media to make up for never talking to anyone in real life”
"I overshare on social media to make up for never talking to anyone in real life" is a saying that has been printed on several images. "I overshare on social media to make up for…
“I owe it all to art books, chocolate and young men” (Beatrice Wood)
"I owe it all to art books, chocolate and young men" is a saying that has been printed on many images. The saying is credited to American artist and studio potter Beatrice Wood…