“I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.” (stand-up comedian joke)
"Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, you've been a wonderful audience. I'll be here all week. Try the veal. And don't forget to tip your servers" is a classic line that a…
“I’m bringing out a new version of the Band Aid song, ‘Duvet Know It’s Christmas?’ It’s a cover!”
"Do They Know It's Christmas?" (1984) is a song that was written by Bob Geldof and Midge Ure and performed by a British and Irish supergroup called Band Aid, in an effort to aid…
“I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.”/“Is that a fret?”
A guitar joke has been printed on several images: "This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’" "Fret" sounds…
“I’m in a band called Dyslexia. We’ve just released our greatest shit album”
Bands often release "greatest hits" albums. A joke is: "I'm in a band called Dyslexia. We've just released our greatest shit album." The joke was posted on Twitter on…
“I’m in a pirate-themed band. We can’t stop writing hooks”
A pirate joke is: "I'm in a pirate-themed band. We can't stop writing hooks." The joke was posted on Reddit -- Oneliners on September 27, 2017. Wikipedia: Captain HookCaptain…
“I’m launching a brass instrument sex fetish site soon. I call it HornPub”
Pornhub is a Canadian-owned internet pornography website. There is no HornPub, but there are jokes. "I'm launching a brass instrument sex fetish site soon. I call it HornPub" was…
“I’m not strange. I’m dramatically different”
"We're not strange. We're dramatically different" and "I'm not strange. I'm dramatically different" and "We are not strange. We are dramatically…
“I’m not sure how people get eaten by sharks. I mean, how do you not hear the music?”
The movie Jaws (1975) features an Academy Award-winning score by American composer John Williams. "I'm not sure how people get eaten by sharks. I mean, how do you not hear the…
“I’m selling my theremin… I haven’t touched it in years”
The theremin is a musical instrument that's played without physical contact. A classic joke is: "I'm thinking of selling my theremin. I haven't touched it in years."…
“I’m so tempted to do a musical joke. But I’ll refrain”
"Refrain" can be a verb or a noun. "I was going to make a bad music pun, but I'll refrain from doing as such" was posted on Twitter by Morris Dutchley on October 3, 2011.…
“I’ve got a million of ‘em” (comedy saying)
"I've got a million of 'em" is what Manhattan-born actor and comedian Jimmy Durante (1893-1980) often said after telling a corny joke. The line probably originated in the…
“I’ve just seen a very confusing book—‘Ventriloquism for Dummies’”
The book DOS For Dummies (1991) started a For Dummies series of instructional books. The title "Ventriloquism for Dummies" was suggested on the newsgroup alt.tasteless.jokes on June 2,…
“I’m still single on Star Wars Day. Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places”
"Lookin' for Love (in all the wrong places)" was a son in the movie Urban Cowboy (1980). "Looking for love in Alderaan places" is a Star Wars movie joke. "Honey,…
“I’ve started a band and called it ‘Books.’ So no one can judge us by our covers”
"You can't judge a book by its cover" -- meaning that outward appearance isn't everything -- is a popular proverb. The proverb has nothing to do with song covers, but there are…
“Ice Cream” (1995) (“Butter-Pecan Rican” lyric)
In "Ice cream" (1995) from the album Only built 4 Cuban linx, Raekwon (born Corey Woods; also known as The Chef, Rae, Lex Diamonds) described his favorite flavors. "One love to my…
“If a musical takes off enough clothes in summer, it usually runs through winter”
Life magazine (a New York City humor magazine) in 1921 gave an interesting maxim for musical comedy: "If a musical show takes off enough clothes in the summer it usually runs through the…
“If a psychologist became a hip hop artist, does it make the music ‘shrink rap’?”
People in the psychology industry have long been nicknamed "shrinks." This has nothing to do with "shrink wrap," but there are many puns. "Psychologists convention: shrink…
“If actors are having fun, the audience will have fun, too” (theatre adage)
"If actors are having fun, the audience will have fun, too" is a theatre and film adage of uncertain origin. "The actors are having fun playing their parts and because of their…
“If Hitler’s still alive, I hope he’s out of town with a musical” (Larry Gelbart)
Larry Gelbart (1928-2009) wrote the book for the successful Broadway musical A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum and achieved great success writing for the television show M*A*S*H, but…
“If I put a guitar pick in my pocket, does that make it a pickpocket?”
Many people put a guitar pick in their pocket, especially the small pocket in their jeans that was originally meant for a watch. "RETWEET if you use this pocket solely for guitar picks!…