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April 16, 2025
Government/Law/Military/Religion /HealthWork/Businesses

“If going to space for 3 minutes makes you an astronaut, then I’m a gynecologist”

Blue Origin NS-31 was a sub-orbital spaceflight on April 14, 2025. It lasted only about 15 minutes, but the crew members were called "astronauts." This was posted on X/Twitter by Jeremy…

April 16, 2025
Government/Law/Military/Religion /HealthWork/Businesses

“If going to space for 3 minutes makes you an astronaut, then I’m a urologist”

Blue Origin NS-31 was a sub-orbital spaceflight on April 14, 2025. It lasted only about 15 minutes, but the crew members were called "astronauts." This was posted on X/Twitter by Jeremy…

April 20, 2020
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If government can suspend your rights anytime it deems something a crisis, you don’t have rights”

The 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic resulted in, essentially, medical martial law. Many people were locked down in their homes. by order of state governors. "If the government can suspend your…

February 10, 2024
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If government can’t fix potholes, how can it fix the planet?”

"Statism is the belief that a group of people who can't fix potholes can fix an entire planet" is an anti-government saying that has been pritned on several images. "STATISM IS…

October 27, 2020
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If government is the answer, it was a stupid question”

"If government is the answer, it was a stupid question" is an anti-government saying that has been printed on many images. Authorship is unknown. "If more government is the answer,…

May 27, 2022
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If guns cause crime, do cameras cause child porn?”

"If guns cause crime, do cameras cause child porn?" is a saying that has been printed on an image. "If guns cause crime then video cameras cause pornography" was posted on the…

May 27, 2022
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If guns cause crime, then cameras cause pornography”

"If guns cause crime, do cameras cause child porn?" is a saying that has been printed on an image. "If guns cause crime then video cameras cause pornography" was posted on the…

June 14, 2022
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson”

"If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson" is a pro-gun saying that has been printed on many images. "Do guns cause murder? Do matches cause arson?" was printed in the The…

June 4, 2022
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If guns kill people, do pencils misspell words?”

"If guns kill people, do pencils misspell words?" and "If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars drive drunk and spoons make people fat" are pro-gun sayings that…

July 21, 2014
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If guns kill people, how does anyone get out of a gun show alive?”

"Guns don't kill people -- people kill people" is a famous pro-gun (pro-Second Amendment) saying. "If guns kill people, how does anyone get out of a gun show alive?" is a…

June 4, 2022
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars drive drunk and spoons make people fat”

"If guns kill people, do pencils misspell words?" and "If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars drive drunk and spoons make people fat" are pro-gun sayings that…

February 15, 2021
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If I agree, it’s free speech. If I disagree, it’s hate speech”

"If I agree, it's free speech. If I disagree, it's hate speech" is a saying that has been printed on an image. "Free speech is only free if the left agrees with it. If they…

February 20, 2023
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If I could cure cancer, you’d say that I put doctors out of work” (bad press)

"If I (a politician) could cure cancer, you'd (the press would) say that I put doctors out of work" is a saying about someone who can never get honest press coverage, no matter what…

October 4, 2016
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If I could walk on water, you’d say that I can’t swim” (bad press)

Jesus walking on water is recorded in three of the Gospels of the New Testament. Walking on water (a miracle) is often compared to swimming (a normal activity). A joke circulated in 1945 that…

December 29, 2017
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If I ever go to prison, I’m gonna change my name to mitochondria—powerhouse of the cell”

Mitochondrion ("mitochondria" is the plural) is known as the powerhouse of the cell. There have been several jokes about "prison" cells. "If I ever go to jail I'm gna…

May 7, 2012
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If I ever need a heart transplant, I want a Republican’s heart—it’s never been used” (joke)

An old political joke told by Democrats such as Lyndon Johnson, Walter Mondale and Ted Kennedy has a person needing a heart transplant being offered three different hearts -- the heart of someone…

October 11, 2022
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If I had a dollar for every time socialism worked, I would have $0…”

"If I had a dollar for every time socialism worked, I would have $0. Coincidentally if it did work, I would also have $0" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "If I had…

December 31, 2020
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If I had to choose between freedom of speech and my gun, I’d choose my gun…”

"If I had to choose between freedom of speech and my gun, I'd choose my gun. Then I'd say what I want because I have a gun" is a Bill of Rights saying that has been printed on…

March 4, 2024
Government/Law/Military/Religion /HealthMedia/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“If I post something you don’t like, just ignore it like you ignore corruption in the government”

"If I post something you don't like, just ignore it like you ignore government corruption" (or "If I post something you don't like, just ignore it like you ignore the…

March 4, 2024
Government/Law/Military/Religion /HealthMedia/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“If I post something you don’t like, just ignore it like you ignore government corruption”

"If I post something you don't like, just ignore it like you ignore government corruption" (or "If I post something you don't like, just ignore it like you ignore the…

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BARRY POPIK is a contributor to the Oxford English Dictionary, Dictionary of American Regional English, Historical Dictionary of American Slang, Yale Book of Quotations and Dictionary of Modern Proverbs. Since 1990 he has also been a regular contributor to Gerald Cohen's Comments on Etymology.

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