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May 20, 2023
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If an illegal immigrant got into a fight with a pedophile, would that make it Alien vs. Predator?”

"Let's have illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship. We'll call it 'Aliens vs. Predators'" is a jocular saying that has been printed on…

May 22, 2024
Government/Law/Military/Religion /HealthWork/Businesses

“If at first you don’t succeed, reward failure by throwing more money at it.—The Government”

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” is a popular American poem verse from the 1830s. The verse has many joke endings that replace “try, try again.” "If at first you…

August 29, 2022
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If authoritarianism is on your side today, trust me, it won’t be tomorrow. #history”

"If authoritarianism is on your side today, trust me, it won't be tomorrow. #history" is a saying that has been printed on an image. "IF AUTHORITARIANISM IS ON YOUR SIDE TODAY,…

April 16, 2025
Government/Law/Military/Religion /HealthWork/Businesses

“If being in space for 3 minutes makes you an astronaut, then I’m a proctologist”

Blue Origin NS-31 was a sub-orbital spaceflight on April 14, 2025. It lasted only about 15 minutes, but the crew members were called "astronauts." This was posted on X/Twitter by Jeremy…

October 28, 2024
Government/Law/Military/Religion /HealthPets (Dogs, Cats, Horses)

“If cats could talk to cops, they wouldn’t”

"If cats could talk to cops, they wouldn't" is a meme that has been printed on many images. The meme combines the sayings "If cats could [X}, they wouldn't" with…

January 25, 2025
Education/SchoolsGovernment/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If children started school at six months old and their teachers gave them walking lessons…”

Many people believe that they can't exist without government schools -- rather than home schooling --just because things have long been this way. This was posted on X/Twitter by Geoff Graham…

April 16, 2013
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If Congress has the right under the Constitution to issue paper money ...”

President Andrew Jackson (1767-1845) said in a July 10, 1832 Veto Message Regarding the Bank of the United States: "The money so coined, with its value so regulated, and such foreign coins as…

April 5, 2024
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If cops can execute you because they ‘saw a gun,’ you do not have the right to bear arms”

"If cops can execute you because they 'saw a gun,' you do not have the right to bear arms" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "If a cop can execute you…

March 27, 2020
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If coronavirus doesn’t take you out, can I?”

The 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic led to some jocular pickup lines. This was posted on Twitter by yikes on March 9, 2020: "If the coronavirus doesn’t take you out, can I?" "If…

March 28, 2020
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If COVID-19 doesn’t take you out, can I?”

The 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic led to some jocular pickup lines. This was posted on Twitter by yikes on March 9, 2020: "If the coronavirus doesn’t take you out, can I?" "If…

February 12, 2025
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If cutting government funding shuts down an NGO, it is not, and never was a Non Governmental Organization”

The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) was established in 2025 and sought to cut government costs, such as money to NGOs. Many people wondered why a non-governmental organization (NGO)…

February 14, 2025
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If cutting government funding shuts down an NGO, it was never a Non Governmental Organization”

The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) was established in 2025 and sought to cut government costs, such as money to NGOs. Many people wondered why a non-governmental organization (NGO)…

July 29, 2024
Government/Law/Military/Religion /HealthWork/Businesses

“If DEI is a good thing, why do they get upset when you call someone a DEI hire?”

In July 2024, U.S. Vice President Kamala Harris replaced President Joe Biden on the Democrat ticket for President for the 2024 election. Some Republicans called her a "DEI hire," and…

July 25, 2016
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If earth is the third planet from the sun, then isn’t every country a third world country?”

The term "third world" was popularized in the 1950s during the Cold War and referred to political alignments, but there's a joke: "If earth is the third planet from the sun,…

September 21, 2019
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If everyone in the world was right-handed, then there would be nobody left”

"What would happen if everyone in the world was right handed? There would be nobody left" is a joke that was posted on Twitter by Carlo Borja on January 30, 2014. "If everyone in the…

June 20, 2015
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?”

Manhattan-born comedian George Carlin (1937-2008) wrote in Napalm & Silly Putty (2002): "The contra killers were known as 'freedom fighters.' Well, if crime fighters fight crime…

May 19, 2025
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If free speech is a threat to your government, then your government is a threat to your country”

"If free speech is a threat to your government, (then) your government is a threat to your country" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "If free speech is a threat to…

May 20, 2025
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If free speech is a threat to your government… your government is a threat to your country”

"If free speech is a threat to your government, (then) your government is a threat to your country" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "If free speech is a threat to…

September 2, 2015
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to slaughter”

"If the freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter" is a George Washington (1732-1799) quotation that became frequently used in the…

June 30, 2011
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health

“If gay and lesbian people are given civil rights, then everyone will want them”

"If gay and lesbian people are given civil rights, then everyone/everybody will want them" is a saying that's been cited in print since at least June 1994. The origin of the saying…

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BARRY POPIK is a contributor to the Oxford English Dictionary, Dictionary of American Regional English, Historical Dictionary of American Slang, Yale Book of Quotations and Dictionary of Modern Proverbs. Since 1990 he has also been a regular contributor to Gerald Cohen's Comments on Etymology.

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