“I always start my diet on the same day—tomorrow”
"I always start my diet on the same day -- tomorrow" is a jocular one-liner about people who never do start a diet. "I always start my diet on the same day: tomorrow" was cited…
“I always thought growing lettuce would be hard. Turns out it’s not rocket science”
"Its not record science" -- that is, it's not complicated -- is an expression that has been popular since at least the 1980s. “It’s not rocket salad” is a joke based on the…
“I always wake up at the crack of ice”
New York-born comedian and singer Joe E, Lewis (1902-1971) was known for drinking and staying up late in night clubs. He was not known for getting up at the crack of dawn. Lewis was quoted in a…
“I am a bean; I am very lean” (food riddle)
A popular food riddle about a bean is: I am a bean; I am very lean. I am not fat; I am sure of that. Like all beans, I am small and round; but unlike others, I dont grow in the ground. What kind of…
“I am a survivalist. I drank my morning coffee out of a soup bowl because there were no clean cups”
Some people are forced to drink coffee under less than ideal circumstances. This was posted on Twitter by Mike Primavera on December 6, 2014: "I am a survivalist. I can adapt to any situation.…
“I am not drunk! Who would name their kid Drunk?”
"No! For the last time stop asking if I am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid Drunk?" is a jocular line that has been printed on several images. The line was posted on…
“I am scared of non-alcoholic lager. It must be a faux beer”
"Faux beer" sounds like "phobia." "I think i have a faux beer phobia" was posted on Twitter on May 7, 2009. "My dad is scared of fake alcohol. He has a faux…
“I am so glad that I don’t have to actually hunt. I have no clue where gluten free tacos live”
"I am so glad that I don't have to actually hunt. I have no clue where gluten free tacos live" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "I'm so glad I don't…
“I am so proud of my Dyslexic daughter. She has managed to get in the school Brass Band. Playing the Toblerone”
"Trombone" (a musical instrument in the brass family) shouldn't be confused with "Toblerone" (a Swiss chocolate brand), but there are jokes. "I am so proud of my…
“I am soo glad I don’t have to actually hunt. I have no fucking clue where gluten free tacos live”
"I am so glad that I don't have to actually hunt. I have no clue where gluten free tacos live" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "I'm so glad I don't…
“I am the tequila, not the lime”
"Don’t be a chaser, be the one who gets chased. You are the tequila, not the lime" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "You are the tequila, not the lime,"…
“I am trying to be healthy and grow my own food, but I can’t find any doughnut seeds”
Donuts (or "doughnuts") aren't healthy and do not grow from seeds, but there are jokes. "Was thinking today i might try to grow some of my own food... Where do you buy donut and…
“I asked for their signature dish, but was disappointed. All they gave me was the chef’s autograph on a plate”
A "signature dish" means a chef's specialty. It doesn't mean a dish that is signed by a chef, but there are jokes. "What do you call an autographed plate? A signature…
“I asked my caddie for a sand wedge…” (golf joke)
Golfers sometimes joke about inexperienced caddies who confuse a "sand wedge" with a "sandwich." Puerto Rican professional golfer Chi Chi Rodriguez often joked: "I asked my…
“I asked my chef friend if they ever serve steak raw. He said yeah, but it’s rare”
People sometimes ask for "raw" steak when they mean "rare." "Sometimes I like my steak raw, but that's rare" was posted on Twitter on December 12, 2012. "Few…
“I asked the waiter, ‘Is my tomato soup ready?’ He replied, ‘Of course it is. What color did you expect it to be?’”
"Ready" shouldn't be confused with "reddy," but there are jokes. This was posted on Facebook by William Wilson on October 14, 2024" "Ordered tomato soup as a…
“I asked the waitress for a ‘quickie’ and she slapped me” (quiche joke)
A popular food joke has a man tell a waitress that he wants a "quickie." She slaps him. Another diner tells the man, "I think that's pronounced 'quiche.'" The…
“I assume people who don’t drink coffee just die around 2 p.m.”
"I assume people who don't drink coffee just die around 2 p.m." (or "I assume that people who don't drink coffee all die around 2 p.m.") is a coffee saying that has…
“I assume that people who don’t drink coffee all die around 2 p.m.”
"I assume people who don't drink coffee just die around 2 p.m." (or "I assume that people who don't drink coffee all die around 2 p.m.") is a coffee saying that has…
“I ate four cans of alphabet soup and had the biggest vowel movement ever”
"I ate four cans of alphabet soup and had the biggest vowel movement ever" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on posters and ecards. The "vowel movement" (vowel…