“My friend helped me move and dropped 20% of my couch on his foot. Ouch”
A couch joke was posted on Reddit -- 3amjokes on June 11, 2019: "I just lost 20% of my couch. Ouch." "Couch" is a five-letter word, and the letter "C" is 20% of the…
“My girlfriend asked why I carry a gun around the house? I told her it was the Decepticons…”
A joke about surveillance was posted on Twitter by Joe Mama on April 23, 2014, and has been printed on many images: "My girlfriend asked me last night why I carry my gun around the house, what…
“My girlfriend said I wasn’t a true cockney, so I pushed her down the apples and oranges”
"Apples and pears" is cockney rhyming slang for "stairs." A joke was posted on Twitter by BarryNeaves on May 12, 2013: "My girlfriend said I was a rubbish cockney, so I…
“My house gets cleaned a lot for a house that looks like it’s never been cleaned”
"My house gets cleaned a lot for a house that looks like it's never been cleaned" is a saying for someone who has a house with kids. There are several slight variations. "My…
“My house sure gets cleaned a lot for a house that looks like it never gets cleaned”
"My house gets cleaned a lot for a house that looks like it's never been cleaned" is a saying for someone who has a house with kids. There are several slight variations. "My…
“My house sure gets cleaned a lot for a house that looks like it’s never once been cleaned”
"My house gets cleaned a lot for a house that looks like it's never been cleaned" is a saying for someone who has a house with kids. There are several slight variations. "My…
“My house was clean last week. Sorry you missed it”
"My house was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. Both "My house was clean last week, Sorry you missed it" and…
“My house was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it”
"My house was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. Both "My house was clean last week, Sorry you missed it" and…
“My house was clean. Then the dogs woke up. The end”
"My house was clean. Then the dogs woke up. The end" is a saying that has been printed on several images. "My house was clean. Then the dogs woke up..." was posted on X/Twitter…
“My house was clean. Then the kids woke up. The end”
"My house was clean. Then the kids woke up. The end" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "my house was clean... for about an hour. Then the kids woke up :)" was…
“My housekeeping style can best be described as: ‘There appears to have been a struggle’”
"My housekeeping style can best be described as: "There appears to have been a struggle'" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "My housekeeping style…
“My houseplants probably wouldn’t die so fast if they could scream for food and water like my kids”
"My houseplants probably wouldn't die so fast if they could scream for food and water like my kids do" is a jocular line that has been printed on several images. The saying probably…
“My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance”
"My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The saying has sometimes been credited to American humorist Erma…
“My inflatable house got a puncture last night. Now, I’m living in a flat”
A "flat" doesn't always mean a flat house, but there are jokes. "Our inflatable house got punctured last night so now we're living in a flat" was posted on Twitter by…
“My kids say I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, they’re in for a shock”
A joke about appliances and electricity is: "My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she's in for a shock." The pun was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on April 29,,…
“My kitchen light just went out. I have no idea where it’s going”
"My bedroom light just went out. I have no idea where it's going" was posted on Reddit -- Dadjokes on March 25, 2020. The joke is that the light "went out" (dark), but the…
“My landlord wanted to come talk to me about the high heating bill. I said, ‘My door’s always open’’
"My door is always open. Hence my massive heating bill" is a joke that was posted on Twitter on April 14, 2010. A similar joke was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on December 20, 2014: "My…
“My neighbor and I are good friends, so we decided to share our water supply. We got a long well”
"Got a long well" is not the same was "got along well," but there are jokes. "My neighbor and I are good friends. So we thought we share our water supply. We got a long…
“My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall, but it was his dumb asphalt”
"Asphalt" sounds like "ass fault." A pun was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on August 5, 2017: "My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall, but it was his dumb…
“My neighbors listen to good music, whether they like it or not”
"My neighbors listen to good music, whether they like it or not" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many images. "My neighbors listen to great music. Whether they…