“I have been staring at an orchard to tell the time. It’s an Apple Watch”
An Apple Watch is not the same as watching apples, but there are jokes. "The only 'Apple watch' I'll be doing this autumn is at an orchard #amirite" was posted on Twitter…
Big Mango (Bangkok, Thailand nickname)
“I have been watching Fox News for six hours and there has been no news about foxes”
The Fox News Channel doesn't usually have news about foxes, but there are jokes. "I have been watching Fox News for six hours and there has been no news about foxes.…
“I have calf brains, stewed kidneys, pickled pigs’ feet…” (Dallas waitress joke?)
Boyce House told the following joke in his 1955 book, You Can Always Tell a Texan (But You Can't Tell Him Much): "A man who was just getting over a spree entered a Dallas cafe and sat…
“I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don’t believe anything the government tells me”
"I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me. Nothing. Zero" is a saying credited to American stand-up comedian George Carlin…
“I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop”
Some people would rather fake it than exercise. This was posted on Twitter by MomofTeen on April 19, 2018: "I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop."…
“I have discovered the dark matter that holds life together… it’s called coffee”
"I have discovered the dark matter that holds life together... it's called coffee" is a saying that has been printed on many images. A picture of German-born theoretical physicist…
“I have done terrible things for money, like getting up early to go to work”
"I've done some terrible things for money, like getting up early and going to work" (or "I have done terrible things for money, like getting up early to go to work") is a…
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something”
Entry in progress -- B.P. Wikipedia: Jackie MasonJackie Mason (born June 9, 1931) is an American stand-up comedian and film and television actor. He is ranked #63 on Comedy Central's 100…
“I have exceeded my ‘Best If Used By’ date”
"I think I’m approaching my 'Best If Used By' date" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. A "Best If Used By" date usually applies to foods, not…
“I have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs”
Some people don't have peer pressure to do drugs, but have pressure to eat certain "healthy" foods. This was posted on X/Twitter by Kei Lun 麒麟 on May 8, 2021, and received over…
“I have found the key to happiness. Stay the hell away from assholes”
"I have found the key to happiness. Stay the hell away from assholes" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I have found the key to keeping a positive attitude.…
“I have furniture that goes back to Louis the 14th. That is, unless I can pay him by the 13th”
People who have furniture that goes back to the era of Louis XIV (1638-1715) like to brag about it, and there's a popular joke. "I have furniture that goes back to Louis the 14th... that…
“I have ice in my veins” (cool under pressure)
Someone who is said to have "ice in his/her veins" is someone who is cool under pressure. "Ice in his veins" has been cited in print since at least the early 1900s, and has been…
“I have joined the war on drugs on the side of drugs”
"I have joined the war on drugs on the side of drugs" (or "I'm joining the war on drugs on the side of drugs") is a saying that has been printed on many images. "I’m…
“I have kids. Park too close and I’ll ding your shit” (car sign)
"I have kids. Park too close and I'll ding your shit" is a car sign that has been printed on many images. "Ding your shit" means "door ding your car." "I…
“I have kids. Park too close and they will ding your shit” (car sign)
"I have kids. Park too close and I'll ding your shit" is a car sign that has been printed on many images. "Ding your shit" means "door ding your car." "I…
“I have met my quota for stupid people this year. I am no longer taking applications. Thank you”
"I have met my quota for stupid people this year. I am no longer taking applications. Thank you" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was posted on…
“I have mixed drinks about feelings”
"I have mixed drinks about feelings" is a jocular line that has been printed on many gift items, such as T-shirts, posters and ecards. "I have mixed drinks about feelings" was…
“I have never been hurt by anything I didn’t say”
"I have never been hurt by what I have not said" and "I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say" have both been printed on many images. The saying (with several…
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said”
"I have never been hurt by what I have not said" and "I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say" have both been printed on many images. The saying (with several…