Many people are obsessed with newspaper/internet horoscopes. "Taurus" sounds like "tore us." "Before we split up, my wife was obsessed with horoscopes.I'm sure…
"My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games. What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4" was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on November 13, 2015. Fallout 4 is an action…
"Apples and pears" is cockney rhyming slang for "stairs." A joke was posted on Twitter by BarryNeaves on May 12, 2013: "My girlfriend said I was a rubbish cockney, so I…
A joke about being a news reporter was posted on Twitter by Bob Kostic on December 25, 2015: "So my girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter. Well…
"My wife gave me £50 and said spend it on something that makes me look sexy. So I got drunk on Jack Daniels" was posted on Twitter on December 21, 2011. "Whilst out xmas shopping…
"My goal this weekend is to move just enough so people don't think I'm dead" is a jocular weekend saying that has been printed on many images. "My goal this weekend is to…
A music joke was posted by Ellynne Rey to Gigs from Hell (Funny Gig Stories) on Facebook on October 20, 2019: "My goldfish are named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Blues, and Altered. I…
"My government spent $1 trillion on the drug war and all I got was this lousy police state" is a political statement that has been printed on bumper stickers. "I voted for obama and…
When a car's GPS says "turn around," it means the car -- not the driver. A joke was posted on Twitter on May 14, 2015: "My GPS just told me to turn around. Now I can’t see…
Many employees see "the writing on the wall" at their places of employment, an idiom meaning that the employment situation might be ending soon. A joke takes the idiom literally. "my…
Bisto is a well-known brand of gravy. It should not be confused with "bestow," but there are jokes. "My gran's collection of antique gravy boats were Bistoed upon me #1PUN"…
Ctrl-P (print) sounds like "control pee." "Microsoft discriminates against incontinent people, with the continued insistence that they control pee to print" was posted on…
A piano pun was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on September 23, 2019: "My grandad committed suicide by eating the entire 88 keys on a piano. He didn't leave a note," The joke is that it…
"Like my grandfather, I wish to die peacefully in my sleep, not screaming like the passengers in his car" was posted to the newsgroup info.sun-managers on August 31, 1993. The joke soon…
A "pap smear" has nothing to do with a "schmear" (or "shmear"), but there are jokes. Sometimes the "pap" stands for "papaya," "paprika"…
The expression to put "blood, sweat and tears" into something usually means "effort," but sometimes it is taken literally. "My father loved to say that he always put his…
Several jokes state that a podium is a product that a salesman can stand behind. However, you stand on a podium, and you stand behind a lectern. "It must really suck to be a podium salesman.…
"Hi I'm Iris & I'm 80% Irish heheheh u get it??" was posted on Twitter by iris on November 13, 2013, and frequently after this. "My grandmother Iris is 80% Irish"…
Salmonella (bacteria) has nothing to do with salmon (a fish) or anyone named Ella, but there are jokes. "I heard that Ella Fitzgerald and Sammy Davis Jr. are buying out the Jewel Food Store…
Does expired Greek yogurt acquire more culture and become Ancient Greek yogurt? "And the yogurt's so old it's officially Ancient Greek yogurt!" was posted on Twitter by Duncan…