“If I had a DeLorean, I’d probably only drive it from time to time”
The DeLorean motor vehicle was used as a time machine in the three 1980s
Food/Drink
“If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had…does money even matter?”
"If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had, does money really even matter?" is a joke that was posted on Twitter by CM Cuck@TimRossComedy on November 27, 2012.…
“If I had a dollar for every gender, I’d have two dollars and a lot of counterfeits”
How many genders are there? If you had a dollar for every gender, how many dollars would you have? "If I had a dollar for every gender there was, I'd have 2 dollars" was posted on…
“If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on…” (joke)
"If I had a dollar for every time i didn't know what was going on, I'd be a millionaire" was posted on Twitter by Neale Gilbert on February 21, 2011. This is a typical answer…
“If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious, I’d wonder who was paying me and why”
"If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious, I'd wonder who was paying me and why" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. "If I had a dollar for…
“If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you”
"If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many images. "If I had a penny for…
“If I had a dollar for every time I was told I was unattractive, I would be attractive”
A saying about the attractiveness of money is: "If I had a dollar for every time I was told I was unattractive to women, I'd be attractive to women." "If I had a dollar for…
“If I had a dollar for every time socialism worked, I would have $0…”
"If I had a dollar for every time socialism worked, I would have $0. Coincidentally if it did work, I would also have $0" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "If I had…
“If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks…” (joke)
"If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks, then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined" is a saying that has been printed on many images.…
“If I had a dollar for every time someone said I was racist…” (joke)
A politically incorrect joke is: "If I had a dollar for every time someone said I was racist, a black guy would rob me." "If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a racist…
“If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse…”
People are often told not to look directly at a solar eclipse. After the August 21, 2017 solar eclipse, a jocular line was posted on Reddit -- Jokes: "If I had a dollar for every time someone…
“If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun per nickel” (pumpernickel joke)
"Pumpernickel" bread can sound like "pun per nickel," and there are jokes. "And you'll have to do better than that if you're going to sell word-plays for 5 cents,…
“If I had a penny for every time I said ‘diet starts tomorrow,’ I’d afford lipo”
People often tell themselves, "My diet starts tomorrow," but tomorrow never comes. "If I had a nickle for every time I said 'The Diet Starts Tomorrow', I'd have enough…
“If I had all the money I’d spent on beer, I’d spend it on beer”
"If I saved all the money I spent on beer, I'd spend it on beer" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "QUOTABLE - 'If I had back all the money…
“If I had an hour to solve a problem, I would spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem”
Entry in progress -- B.P. Wikiquote: Talk:Albert EinsteinIf I had only one hour to save the world, I would spend fifty-five minutes defining the problem, and only five minutes finding the…
“If I had any self-control, I’d probably eat that, too”
Some people eat and have no self-control. "'@Oobrey: If I had any self control I'd probably eat that too.' #LOL" was posted on Twitter by Ali Bomaye on December 12, 2012.…
“If I had laser hair, I would never get that shit removed”
"Laser hair removal" is the process of hair removal with laser light. It is not the removal of "laser hair," but there are jokes. "If I had laser hair, I wouldn't have…
“If I had my life to live over, I’d live over a saloon”
American actor Lew Parker (1910-1972) was credited in 1951 with the line: "If I had my life to live over, I'd live over a saloon." The jocular line has been usually credited since…
“If I had six hours to chop down a tree, I’d spend the first four of them sharpening my axe”
Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) is often quoted for having said, "If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six sharpening my axe." The hours vary (usually it's given as…
“If I had some bread, I could make a ham sandwich—if I had some ham”
"If we had some ham, we could have ham and eggs -- if we had some eggs" (or "If I had some bread, I could make a ham sandwich -- if I had some ham") is a jocular saying from a…