“If I had some ham, I could have ham and eggs—if I had some eggs”
"If I/we had some ham, I/we could have ham and eggs -- if I/we had some eggs" (or "If I had some bread, I could make a ham sandwich -- if I had some ham") is a jocular saying…
Food/Drink
“If I had some ham, I could make a ham sandwich—if I had some bread”
"If we had some ham, we could have ham and eggs -- if we had some eggs" (or "If I had some bread, I could make a ham sandwich -- if I had some ham") is a jocular saying from a…
“If I had super powers, I would only use them for baked goods and never for baked evils”
"Good" is the opposite of "bad" and "evil." There are "baked goods," but there are no "baked bads" or "baked evils." "Then tell me…
“If I had to choose between freedom of speech and my gun, I’d choose my gun…”
"If I had to choose between freedom of speech and my gun, I'd choose my gun. Then I'd say what I want because I have a gun" is a Bill of Rights saying that has been printed on…
“If I had to describe myself in three words, I would say, ‘Not very good at maths’”
A math joke was posted on Twitter by Sanjeev Kohli on November 27, 2012: "If I were to describe myself in three words, I would probably say 'really not very good at maths.'"…
“If I had to stir it, it’s homemade”
"If I had/have to stir it, it's homemade" (or "If I stirred it, it's homemade") is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. That is, it's home…
“If I have to stir it, it’s homemade”
"If I had/have to stir it, it's homemade" (or "If I stirred it, it's homemade") is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. That is, it's home…
“If I haven’t offended you yet…. Look through my posts. That shit is in there somewhere”
"If I haven't offended you yet.... Look through my timeline.... that shit in there somewhere.... #stolenquote #Truth" was posted on Facebook by Daniel Chavez on November 18, 2015.…
“If I heard the Mario coin sound whenever I completed a task, maybe I’d accomplish more”
The "Mario coin sound" is familiar to Mario video gamers. They hear that sound when a task is successfully accomplished. "if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task…
“If I hid a handgun in a bowl of guacamole, would it be called glockamole?”
A Glock is usually not found in guacamole, but there are jokes. A popular image shows a Glock in a pot of guacamole. "You mean Glock-amole?"was posted on the newsgroup rec.guns on…
“If I invest in a butcher shop, does that make me a steakholder?”
"Stakeholder" shouldn't be confused with "steakholder," but there are jokes. This was posted on X/Twitter by LaughBreak: Dad Jokes ‘N More on May 5, 2025: "If I…
“If I knew how to back flip that’d be my response to everything”
"If I knew how to back flip that'd be my response to everything" is a saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was posted on X/Twitter by teffi on September 16, 2022,…
“If I knew you were coming, I’d have baked a cake”
"If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake" is a famous line that, according to a 1951 newspaper article below, was coined by American actor Walter Catlett (1889-1960) in the…
“If I offended you, I apologize. I honestly didn’t think you could read”
"If I've offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize. I honestly did not think you could read" is a jocular social media apology that has been printed on many images. "If…
“If I offer to do something for you in exchange for calamari, that’s known as a squid pro quo”
"Quid pro quo" (something in exchange for something else) has nothing to do with calamari (squid), but there are jokes. "It could be the squid pro quo for a bowl of cold spaghetti in…
“If I only wanted one drink, I’d go for communion” (bar sign)
"If I only wanted one drink, I’d go for communion" is a jocular line that has been printed on bar signs. GSElevator (Goldman Sachs Elevator) posted the message on Twitter on September…
“If I owned a diner I’d have a sandwich called ‘The Usual’ so everyone would feel special”
Many diners has special, invented names for sandwiches. "If I owned a diner I'd have a sandwich called 'The Usual' so everyone would feel special. #fb" was posted on…
“If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent Texas and live in Hell” (Philip Sheridan)
"If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent Texas and live in Hell" is a famous statement of U.S. General Philip Henry Sheridan in 1866. A later account (1883, below) tries to temper the…
“If I pass out, please note my time”
"If I pass out, please note my time" is a jocular exercise saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was posted on Twitter on August 4, 2012. Twitter…
“If I pay $40 for a haunted house, I better die”
Haunted houses can be expensive, and for the price being charged, they should be scary. "if i pay $40 for a haunted house, I better get stabbed foreal" was posted on X/Twitter by…