“I have a Supreme Court figure—no appeal”
The U.S. Supreme Court is the highest court in the United States; there is no appeal of its decisions. "Tom Howard of 'It Pays to Be Ignorant' said that Lulu McConnell has a supreme…
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health
“I have a weight problem—I can’t wait to eat”
"I have a weight problem -- I can't wait to eat!" is a pun that has been printed on T-shirts. "I've got a weight problem -- I can't wait to eat!" has been cited…
“I have absolutely no desire to fit in with a world that accepts tyrants for rulers”
"I have absolutely no desire to fit in with a world that accepts tyrants for rulers" is a saying that has been printed on several images. "I have absolutely no desire to fit into a…
“I have added ‘extensive experience in dealing with stupid people’ to my resume”
"I've decided to add 'extensive experience in dealing with stupid people' to my resume. That has got to be a marketable skill" is a saying that has been printed on many…
“I have an addiction to snorting powdered fruit drink mix. Anybody got a punch line?”
A joke about Kool-Aid (or another fruit-flavored powdered drink mix) is: " I have an addiction to snorting Kool-Aid (powdered drink mix). Anybody got a punch line?" "I'm so…
“I have an addiction to tag. It’ll be touch and go, whether I need professional help”
Jokes about the game of tag are very "touch and go." "I'm proud to say that I have finally beaten my addiction to playing Tag, but it was touch and go there for a while"…
“I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings…”
"I have an eating disorder; I’m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets" is a jocular line that has been printed on several ecards. "o noes…
“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s just not a very good one”
"I have an inferiority complex, but it's (just) not a very good one" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I have an inferiority complex, but it is not a…
“I have been staring at an orchard to tell the time. It’s an Apple Watch”
An Apple Watch is not the same as watching apples, but there are jokes. "The only 'Apple watch' I'll be doing this autumn is at an orchard #amirite" was posted on Twitter…
“I have been watching Fox News for six hours and there has been no news about foxes”
The Fox News Channel doesn't usually have news about foxes, but there are jokes. "I have been watching Fox News for six hours and there has been no news about foxes.…
“I have calf brains, stewed kidneys, pickled pigs’ feet…” (Dallas waitress joke?)
Boyce House told the following joke in his 1955 book, You Can Always Tell a Texan (But You Can't Tell Him Much): "A man who was just getting over a spree entered a Dallas cafe and sat…
“I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don’t believe anything the government tells me”
"I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me. Nothing. Zero" is a saying credited to American stand-up comedian George Carlin…
“I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop”
Some people would rather fake it than exercise. This was posted on Twitter by MomofTeen on April 19, 2018: "I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop."…
“I have discovered the dark matter that holds life together… it’s called coffee”
"I have discovered the dark matter that holds life together... it's called coffee" is a saying that has been printed on many images. A picture of German-born theoretical physicist…
“I have done terrible things for money, like getting up early to go to work”
"I've done some terrible things for money, like getting up early and going to work" (or "I have done terrible things for money, like getting up early to go to work") is a…
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something”
Entry in progress -- B.P. Wikipedia: Jackie MasonJackie Mason (born June 9, 1931) is an American stand-up comedian and film and television actor. He is ranked #63 on Comedy Central's 100…
“I have found the key to happiness. Stay the hell away from assholes”
"I have found the key to happiness. Stay the hell away from assholes" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I have found the key to keeping a positive attitude.…
“I have furniture that goes back to Louis the 14th. That is, unless I can pay him by the 13th”
People who have furniture that goes back to the era of Louis XIV (1638-1715) like to brag about it, and there's a popular joke. "I have furniture that goes back to Louis the 14th... that…
“I have ice in my veins” (cool under pressure)
Someone who is said to have "ice in his/her veins" is someone who is cool under pressure. "Ice in his veins" has been cited in print since at least the early 1900s, and has been…
“I have joined the war on drugs on the side of drugs”
"I have joined the war on drugs on the side of drugs" (or "I'm joining the war on drugs on the side of drugs") is a saying that has been printed on many images. "I’m…