“I celebrate 4/20 on 1/5 because I know how to reduce fractions”
"I celebrate 4/20 on 1/5 because I know how to reduce fractions" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. April 20th (4/20) is "420 Day," a celebration of…
Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health
“I celebrate Cinco de Mayo so I get can drunk enough to forget yesterday’s ‘May the 4th’ jokes”
"I only celebrate Cinco de Mayo so I get can drunk enough to forget yesterday's non-stop 'May the Fourth' jokes" is a jocular saying that has been printed on an ecard.…
“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way” (joke)
American comedian Jon Stewart said on The Jon Stewart Show: "I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and…
“I changed my password to ‘incorrect.’ When I forget, it will tell me, ‘Your password is incorrect’”
"I changed my password to 'incorrect.' So that whenever I forget, it will tell me, 'Your password is incorrect'" is a jocular computer saying that has been printed on…
“I changed the name of my hard drive to ‘that thang’” (joke)
A computer joke was posted on Twitter on October 13, 2010: "I changed the name of my hard drive to 'that thang', so once a month, my computer asks me if i wanna back that that thang…
“I childproofed the house, but they still get in”
To "waterproof" a house is to make sure that no water gets inside. To "childproof" a house, however, means that the house is a safe environment for children. A popular joke is:…
“I choked on a carrot, and all I could think was ‘I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this’”
“I choked on a carrot this afternoon, and all I could think was 'I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me'" is a jocular food saying that has been printed on many images.…
“I choked on a carrot. All I could think was ‘I bet a cupcake wouldn’t have done this’”
“I choked on a carrot this afternoon, and all I could think was 'I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me'" is a jocular food saying that has been printed on many images.…
“I cleaned the attic with my wife. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair”
There are two jokes about "cleaning the attic with my/the wife." The first version was posted to the newsgroup alt.quotations on November 26, 1993 and has been credited to British…
“I come at the beginning of end and at the end of time. What am I?” (riddle)
The letter "e" has several riddles. This was printed in The Lady's Magazine in December 1787: "THE beginning of eternity,The end of time and space,The beginning of every end,And…
“I come from a family of failed magicians. I’ve got two half-sisters”
Many magicians have performed the "sawing a woman in half" trick. A joke was posted on Twitter by Fresh Stand Up on May 23, 2014: "I belong to a family of failed…
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage”
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage" was said by American humorist Erma Bombeck (1927-1996) about the cooking of her mother, Erma Haines Harris. "I come from a…
“I come from a long line of conga dancers”
A dancer doing some genealogy might pun: "I come from a long line of conga dancers." The joke was cited on Sickipedia in 2010 and was first cited on Twitter on March 28, 2010. Wikipedia:…
“I come from a town where a traffic jam is 4 cars behind a tractor”
"I come from a town where a traffic jam is 4 (or 3, or 5, or 6 -- ed.) cars behind a tractor" is a jocular saying about a small town that has been printed on many images. "I come…
“I come from a town where a traffic jam is 5 cars behind a tractor”
"I come from a town where a traffic jam is 4 (or 3, or 5, or 6 -- ed.) cars behind a tractor" is a jocular saying about a small town that has been printed on many images. "I come…
“I come from mixed race parents. My dad was a hurdler and my mom a sprinter”
"Mixed race parents” usually does not involve running, but there are jokes. "My mate's mam is a hurdler, but his dad is a sprinter. Will they be deported for being a mixed race…
“I consider myself a moral person. That’s why I only eat turkeys that have exhausted appeals”
The president of the United States traditionally pardons one turkey just before Thanksgiving. American television host and comedian Conan O'Brien posted this joke on Twitter on November 26,…
“I consider page 2 of Google results the dark web”
What is the dark web? It's a mysterious part of the web that is not indexed. However, to many, the dark web is Google search page two (where they never go). "I suspect 'the dark…
“I consider sex a misdemeanor. The more I miss, de meaner I get”
"I consider sex a misdemeanor. The more I miss, de meaner I get" (or "Sex is a misdemeanor. De more I miss de meaner I get") is a jocular saying that has been printed on many…
“I continued the cycle of my own oppression today” (“I voted” sticker parody)
"I continued the cycle of my own oppression today" (made to look like the "I voted" sticker) is a saying that has been printed on many images. The saying (shown on a sticker)…