“Anybody know when Walmart is sending out W2s for self checkout?”
Some people who use the self-checkout at Walmart believe they should be paid (and get a W2 form, like employees). "If I’m the cashier at Walmart now on self check outs I want my W2s"…
Archive for 12/2019
“How do mathematicians scold their children?”/“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times
Entry in progress -- B.P. Twitter❄️Talk To The Hatter🎩@Talk_To_The_HatQ: How do mathematicians scold their children?A: “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times ...”7:48 PM…
“My new years revolution is to learn how to spell”
People make new year's resolutions, but this is sometimes misspelled as "revolutions." "My New Year's revolution is to always spell important words correctly, thus…
“How did the gingerbread man wind up with one leg?”/“He lost the other in Nom.”
Entry in progress -- B.P. Reddit -- DadjokesPosted by u/MelkorHimself December 21, 2019How did the gingerbread man wind up with one leg?He lost the other in Nom.
“Why do programmers prefer dark mode?”/“Because light attracts bugs.”
"Bugs" (insects) shouldn't be confused with "computer bugs," but there are jokes. This was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on December 21. 2018: Q: Why do programmers prefer dark…
“What did the assassin do when he was hungry?”/“The assassinate.”
"Assassinate" shouldn't be confused with "assassin ate," but there are jokes. "A murderer had heartburn because of something the assassinate. (Pun of the Day)"…
“Yoga is a Sanskrit word which means ‘just try not to fart’”
"Yoga is spending an hour trying not to fart" is a jocular yoga saying that has been printed on many images. The joke has been told by several comedians. "Yoga is a Sanskrit word…
“Have a great weekend because Monday will be here in 20 minutes”
The work week of Monday through Friday often seems to go by slowly, while the weekend of Saturday and Sunday seems to go by quickly. "Have a good/great weekend because Monday will be here in…
“You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor to wrap Christmas gifts…”
"You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor to wrap Christmas gifts, then try to get up...🤣" is a jocular holiday saying that was posted on Twitter by Amanda R.…
“Remember to set your scale back 10 lbs. this week”
"Remember to set your scale back 10 lbs. this week" (or "Don’t forget to turn your bathroom scales back 15 pounds Wednesday night at 1 am for Thanksgiving") -- a joke about…
“Southerners don’t measure seasonings. We just sprinkle and shake”
Many people don't measure the ingredients when they cook. "I don't measure a thing when I cook. I just sprinkle and add stuff until I hear the spirit of my ancestors whisper…
“I actually like driving alone because I can listen to the same song 27 times in a row”
"I actually like driving alone because I can listen to the same song 27 times in a row without anyone stopping me" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I like…
“You are built not to shrink down to less, but to blossom into more”
"You are built not to be shrink down to less, but to blossom into more" is a motivational saying that has been printed on many images. American media executive, actress, talk show host,…
“Would you like to hear today’s special?” (restaurant joke)
A waiter or waitress often tells diners about the day's special menu. "Today's special" does not mean that the day itself is special, but there are jokes. This was posted on…
“I haven’t been able to look at cereal since the time I walked in on my parents having Chex”
Chex cereal has had some sex jokes. This was posted on Twitter by braden graeber on March 15, 2012: "I haven't been able to look at cereal since the time I walked in on my parents having…
Bush League
The baseball terms "major league" and "big league" refer to the top professional league; these terms have been used outside of baseball as well, with a similar meaning.…
“Adam and Eve weren’t Chinese. They would have sold the apple and eaten the snake”
A saying has it that Chinese people eat many things. This has been expressed in a riddle: Q: How do we know that Adam and Eve were not Chinese?A: Because they would have thrown away the apple and…
“I prefer to have my milk churned. It’s butter that way”
"Butter" is often used as a pun for "better." This was posted on Reddit -- Dadjokes on November 9, 2019: "I prefer to have my milk churned. It’s butter that way."…
“The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more”
The first rule of the theatre (show business) is 'always leave them wanting more" is a saying of unknown authorship. The premise is to leave the audience on a positive note, wanting more…
“The first rule of show business is to always leave them wanting more”
The first rule of the theatre (show business) is 'always leave them wanting more" is a saying of unknown authorship. The premise is to leave the audience on a positive note, wanting more…