“My eighty-percent friend is not my twenty-percent enemy”
"The person who agrees with you 80 percent of the time is a friend and an ally — not a 20 percent traitor" (or, "My eighty-percent friend is not my twenty-percent enemy") is…
Alphebetical for "m"
“My emotional support animal is a chicken. A four piece. With a biscuit”
"My emotional support animal is a chicken. A four piece. With a biscuit" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. An emotional support animal is usually a live animal,…
“My emotional support animal is a fried chicken”
"My emotional support animal is a chicken. A four piece. With a biscuit" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. An emotional support animal is usually a live animal,…
“My English teacher always told me that spelling doesn’t matter because we’ll have autocorrect”
"My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect. And for that I am eternally grapefruit" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many…
“My ex tried to get my baby marijuana plants, but I was granted joint custody”
"Joint custody" usually does not involve marijuana, but there are jokes. "Why isn't marijuana possession called joint custody?" was posted on Twitter by Charlie Ernstes on…
“My ex-wife says it was my obsession with horoscopes that Taurus apart”
Many people are obsessed with newspaper/internet horoscopes. "Taurus" sounds like "tore us." "Before we split up, my wife was obsessed with horoscopes.I'm sure…
“My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats”
"My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on ecards and T-shirts. The saying has been cited on Twitter since January 6,…
“My Facebook account is for laughing. For crying, I have my bank account!”
"My Facebook account is for laughing. For crying, I have my bank account!" (shown on an image) was posted on Facebook by Koroit Bakehouse on March 14, 2021. It's not known who posted…
“My Facebook account is for laughing. For crying, I have my bank account!”
"My Facebook account is for laughing. For crying, I have my bank account!" (shown on an image) was posted on Facebook by Koroit Bakehouse on March 14, 2021. It's not known who posted…
“My Facebook-using grandfather died. We won’t be seeing the likes of him again”
Facebook is an online social media website that allows users to "like" posts. A joke is: "After spending up to twelve hours a day on Facebook for years, my grandfather died…
“My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them”
"My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many images. American stand-up comic Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005) used…
“My fall look this year is drinking my coffee on an empty stomach & visibly shaking until lunch”
"my fall look this year is drinking my coffee on an empty stomach & visibly shaking until lunch time" was posted on Facebook by Jennifer Woodside on December 28, 2018. The saying is…
“My family says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it”
"My family/husband/wife says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it" -- that is, the speaker sleeps at work -- is a jocular work saying that has been printed on many…
“My family told me to get help for my drinking…so I hired a bartender”
"My family told me to get help for my drinking...so I hired a bartender" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. "My family said ‘get help for my drinking’…
“My family’s in the iron and steel business” (joke)
"My family's in the iron and steel business," goes an old joke. "My mother irons and my father steals." The joke appeared in a college humor magazine in 1930 (the Google…
“My family’s leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing. And they’re off!”
"They're off!" is a famous starting call in horse racing. "My wife and daughter are leaving because of my obsession with horse racing. And they're off!" was posted on…
“My farts always smell like butterscotch. They smell like butt or scotch”
The New York-based television comedy sketch show Saturday Night Live did a parody ad of actor Gary Busey for Directv, on a show that aired on October 11, 2003: "Here's a little piece of…
“My father owned a coal company, but mostly kept it to himself. Mined his own business”
"Mind your business" shouldn't be confused with "mined your business," but there are jokes. "I sell coal for a living because I took everyone's advice and mined…
“My father used to say, ‘You don’t always get what you pay for’” (joke)
"You don't always get what you pay for" is an old saying. A joke version was posted on Reddit -- Dadjokes on May 28, 2021: "My father used to say, 'You don't always…
“My father uses reddit. I guess it’s heredditary”
"Heredditary" (hereditary + reddit) is a portmanteau word to describe a family that uses the American social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website.…