“I give the eclipse one star”
How does one rate an eclipse? How many stars? "I score the eclipse, minus one star" was posted on Twitter on March 20, 2015. Reviewers of the August 21, 2017 solar eclipse were more…
Alphebetical for "i"
“I go to the gym almost every day—almost Monday, almost Tuesday…”
"I go to the gym almost every day -- almost Monday, almost Tuesday..." is a joke spoken by someone who almost never goes to the gym. "I go to the gym almost every day. Almost Monday,…
“I go to the gym religiously. About twice a year around the holidays”
To do something "religiously" usually means to do it regularly and well -- to please God. However, not everyone is religious. "Tell people you go to the gym religiously When they…
“I go to work, I make my coworkers wonder what is wrong with me, and then I clock out”
"I go to work, I make my coworkers wonder what is wrong with me, and then I clock out" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "I go to work, I make my coworkers wonder…
“I googled my symptoms. Turns out I just need more coffee”
"I googled my symptoms. Turned/Turns out I just need more coffee" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The speaker believes that the caffeine in coffee can energize…
“I googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m a bitch”
"I googled my symptoms. Turns out I'm a bitch" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "A tweet that made me laugh: I was googling my cold symptoms; turns out…
“I Googled the phrase ‘missing medieval servant.’ It came back with ‘Page not found’”
"Courtesy of @themiltonjones live tonight in St Albans: don't try googling 'lost medieval servant boy.' You'll get 'page not found'" was posted on Twitter by…
“I googled your symptoms. The good news is you might just need coffee. The bad news is you could be a zombie”
"I googled my symptoms. Turned/Turns out I just need more coffee" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The speaker believes that the caffeine in coffee can energize…
“I got a bill in the mail that said FINAL NOTICE. What a relief!”
"I got a bill in the mail that said FINAL NOTICE. What a relief!" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. That is, the speaker is happy not to be bothered again about…
“I got a bottle of scotch for my wife…” (joke)
New York-based comedian Henny Youngman (1906-1998) did a liquor commercial in 1972: “I got a case of Hoffman’s for my wife...that’s not a bad trade.” The line has had many variations.…
“I got a job at a paperless office. Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom”
Entry in progress -- BP “Their plan for a paperless office looked good, on paper” is a related joke. Google Groups: rec.humor oxymorons Henry Troup Jul 11, 1991, 6:17:30 PM (...) "a…
“I got a job at Comcast and completed training so I could fix my own cable…” (joke)
Customer service for a communications company such as Comcast or Spectrum can take a long time. A joke was posted on Twitter by Simon Holland on May 8, 2017: "I got a job at Comcast and…
“I got a job at Spectrum and completed training so I could fix my own cable…” (joke)
Customer service for a communications company such as Comcast or Spectrum can take a long time. A joke was posted on Twitter by Simon Holland on May 8, 2017: "I got a job at Comcast and…
“I got a job for the summer filling salt and pepper pots. It’s only seasonal work”
A food joke involves the terms "seasoning" (salt and pepper, in the joke) and "seasonal work." "Why didn't the server want a job filling salt and pepper shakers?...…
“I got a job making plastic Draculas. Two of us work, so I have to make every second count”
To "make every second count" does not mean to "make every second Count Dracula," but there are jokes. "Bought a Dracula themed clock. Every second Count" was posted on…
“I got a new job at the guillotine factory. I’ll beheading there soon”
"beheading" sounds like "be heading." "Going to an interview at a guillotine factory. I'll beheading there soon, maybe!" was posted on Twitter by Jay Gonzales on…
“I got a rejection letter from the origami university today, I’m not sure what to make of it”
A joke about college rejection letters was posted on Twitter by "the name is Les" on November 18, 2018: "I got a rejection letter from the origami university today, I’m not sure…
“I got a sweater for Christmas, but I really wanted a screamer or a moaner”
"I got a sweater for Christmas, but I really wanted a screamer or a moaner" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many images. The line was posted to the newsgroup…
“I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher”
"I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher" was posted on X/Twitter by Trey on April 19, 2016. "dailybadjokes: I got an A on my origami assignment…
“I got an apartment over a bank. Now my assets over 10 million dollars”
A money joke was told by The Unknown Comic (Murray Langston) on television's The Gong Show (1976-1980): "I got an apartment over a bank. Now my assets over 10 million dollars." The…