“If you ask me if I’ve had my coffee yet, and I say ‘no’...”
"If you ask if I've had coffee and I say 'no', just assume this conversation is over" -- that is, don't talk to me before I've had coffee -- is a coffee saying…
Alphebetical for "i"
“If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?”
"If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?" is a humorous saying, dating to at least February 1998. Other spellings are "If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you…
“If you ate today, thank a farmer”
"If you ate today, thank a farmer" is a saying that has beenprinted on posters, T-shirts and bumper stickers. The saying has been cited in print since at least the early 1990s and has…
“If you attack the establishment long enough, they make you a member”
American humorist Art Buchwald (1925-2007) often poked fun at the Washington establishment in his newspaper column in the Washington (DC) Post, "If you attack the establishment long enough and…
“If you behaved like your government, you’d be arrested”
"If you behaved like your government, you'd be arrested" is a saying that has been printed on many images. The speaker believes that the government behaves badly. “@starlightcrow:…
“If you believe in 12.5% of the Bible you’re an eighth theist”
"Eighth theist" and "eight theist" are puns for "atheist." "Eighth-Theist (n.) - Someone who only believes in God 12-1/2% of the time" was cited on Twitter…
“If you blow on your wine while on zoom people will think your coffee is hot”
Entry in progress -- BP TwitterFlow with Mylo Official Account@MylesMcdowell... and another thing that’s good about zoom meetings is that if you blow on your wine in the mug, it convinces people…
“If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. That’s very humerus”
"What do you get if you boil a funny bone?....Laughing Stock #joke" was posted on Twitter by James Gilbertson on January 26, 2013. "If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing…
“If you borrow a bottle of wine, are you drinking a loan?”
American singer-songwriter Billy Joel's song "Piano Man" (1973) contains the lyric, "Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking…
“If you bought it, a truck brought it”
"If you bought it, a truck(er) brought it" is a popular bumper sticker slogan -- especially on trucks, of course. "You name it -- if you bought it, a truck brought it!" was…
“If you break both of your legs, don’t come running to me”
The newspaper comic strip "Dinah Mite" by Joe Buresch, published on August 5, 1955, showed a father cautioning his tree-climbing daughter (Dinah): "If you fall and break your leg,…
“If you break it, you bought it” (Pottery Barn rule)
"If You Break it -- You've Bought It!" was a sign in a bric-a-brac store in Greenwich Village, according to a 1948 column by Walter Winchell. The saying has been written in many…
“If you breakdance you buy dance”
“If you break it, you bought it” is sometimes called the Pottery Barn rule. This usually doesn't apply to breakdancing, but there are jokes. "I don't care if you are a cop, in my…
“If you breakdance, you boughtdance”
“If you break it, you bought it” is sometimes called the Pottery Barn rule. This usually doesn't apply to breakdancing, but there are jokes. "I don't care if you are a cop, in my…
“If you bring me coffee without having to ask, then I love you”
"If you bring me coffee without having to ask, then I love you" is a coffee saying that has been printed on many images.The saying was posted on Twitter by Freakin Relate on August 4,…
“If you bump your head on a coffee maker, does it leave a brews?”
"Bruise" shouldn't be confused with "brews," but there are jokes. "If you bump your head on a coffee maker does it leave a... Brews?" was posted on Twitter by Doc…
“If you burn dinner, just call it Louisiana style and serve it anyway”
There are "Chicago style" pizza and "Chicago style" hot dogs. Many people--such as those from New York City--might not like Chicago style. A joke was posted on Twitter by…
“If you burn one side of the grilled cheese, you have to burn the other side so that they are even”
When making a grilled cheese sandwich, the bread on one side often burns. There are many jokes about this. "Is it even possible to make a grilled cheese without totally burning one side?"…
“If you burn your baked goods, do they become baked bads?”
"Good" is the opposite of "bad" and "evil." There are "baked goods," but there are no "baked bads" or "baked evils." "Then tell me…
“If you buy smartwater for $4 a bottle, it’s not working”
Many people believe that smartwater is a waste of money, and is not much better than tap water. "If you're buy 'Smart Water' for $4 a bottle, I'm sorry to tell you, but…