“If driven carefully, please report stolen” (bumper sticker)
"If driven carefully, please report stolen" is a jocular bumper sticker saying on many vehicles. "Seen on back of white van: 'If driven carefully, please report as…
Alphebetical for "i"
“If drugs aren’t allowed in sports, why is makeup allowed in beauty contests?”
"If drugs/steroids aren't allowed in sports, why is makeup allowed in beauty contests/pageants?" is a question that has been printed on many images. "If steroids aren't…
“If dumb were dirt, you would be about an acre”
"If dumb were dirt, you would be about an acre" is said be some to be a Texas expression; Texas certainly has lots of dirt. Variants of the saying include "you would cover about an…
“If each day is a gift, I’d like to know where to return Mondays”
"If each day us a gift, I would like to know where I can return Mondays" is a jocular one-liner that has been printed on many images. "If each day is a gift, I'd like to know…
“If earth is the third planet from the sun, then isn’t every country a third world country?”
The term "third world" was popularized in the 1950s during the Cold War and referred to political alignments, but there's a joke: "If earth is the third planet from the sun,…
“If English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for Texas”
"If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for Texas schoolchildren" is allegedly the quotation of "Ma" ( or "Pa") Ferguson, at a time when Spanish…
“If even the inspector says ‘Pass’ on a restaurant, why should I try it?”
Health inspectors pass or fail restaurants. A joke about this is: "If even the inspector says "Pass" on a restaurant, why should I try it?" The joke was posted on Reddit --…
“If ever you’re feeling sad, just go for a run…” (joke)
"If ever you're feeling sad, just go for a run" might, at first, seem like good advice. However, a joke often follows this. "If you’re ever sad, just go for a run. Then…
“If every book is a #1 New York Times best seller, which books are the number 2?”
The New York (NY) Times has a Book Review section, and it has had a weekly best seller list since October 12, 1931. There are many categories. For many people who buy books, it often seems that…
“If every day is a gift, then today was socks”
"If every day is a gift, then today was socks" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "Socks" sounds like "sucks" and represents something…
“If every offensive series ends with a kick, that’s not all bad” (football adage)
New York Jets head football coach Herman Edwards told his team in 2005: "I'm happy as long as we're kicking the ball. Extra points, field goals and punts, doesn't matter. As…
“If everybody’s thinking alike, somebody isn’t thinking”
"If everybody is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" is often credited to General George S. Patton, Jr. (1885-1945). Patton might have said it, but "If everybody is…
“If everyone goes cashless, how do we tip strippers?”
"If everyone goes cashless, how do we tip strippers?" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. Strippers are often tipped by customers putting dollar bills in a bra or…
“If everyone in the world was right-handed, then there would be nobody left”
"What would happen if everyone in the world was right handed? There would be nobody left" is a joke that was posted on Twitter by Carlo Borja on January 30, 2014. "If everyone in the…
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?" is a jocular saying about mothers that has been printed on many images. "DELAY: If evolution really works, Ed…
“If experience was so important, we’d never have had anyone walk on the moon”
"If experience was so important, we'd never have had anyone walk on the moon" is a saying that has been printed on many images. Doug Rader, a manager for the San Diego Padres Class…
“If farmer A sells apples, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?”/“Medicine.”
"Farmer C" sounds like "pharmacy," and there have been riddles. "Says here is a riddle - Farmer A sell fruits, Farmer B sell veggie, Farmer C sell?…
“If figure skating was easy, it would be called hockey”
"If figure skating was/were easy, it would be called hockey" is a saying that has appeared on many gift items, such as T-shirts, mugs and bumper stickers. "If figure skating were…
“If fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?”
Manhattan-born comedian George Carlin (1937-2008) wrote in Napalm & Silly Putty (2002): "The contra killers were known as 'freedom fighters.' Well, if crime fighters fight crime…