“I’ve decided to leave my past behind. So if I owe you money, I’m sorry but I’ve moved on”
"I've decided to leave my past behind. So if I owe you money, I'm sorry but I've moved on" is a jocular saying that has been TwitterCristian…
Alphebetical for "i"
“I’ve decided to marry a pencil. I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B”
"I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B" is a joke that was posted on Twitter by WriterOfWrongs on September 23, 2010, and on…
“I’ve decided to start calling my toilet Jim instead of John. I go to the Jim every morning”
"Instead of John, I call my bathroom Jim. That way it sounds better when I say I went to the Jim first thing this morning" is a jocular gym saying that has been printed on many images.…
“I’VE DECIDED TO WRITE MY TWEETS IN CAPITALS. I WROTE THIS ONE IN PARIS”
"I'VE DECIDED TO WRITE MY TWEETS IN CAPITALS. I WROTE THIS ONE IN PARIS" is a jocular saying that has been printed -- sometimes all in capitals, sometimes not -- about various…
“I’ve deleted enough Facebook posts to know that I should never get a tattoo”
"I've deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo" is a saying meaning that the speaker changes thoughts so often, something permanent (a tattoo on the…
“I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo”
"I've deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo" is a saying meaning that the speaker changes thoughts so often, something permanent (a tattoo on the…
“I’ve done some terrible things for money, like getting up early and going to work”
"I've done some terrible things for money, like getting up early and going to work" (or "I have done terrible things for money, like getting up early to go to work") is a…
“I’ve failed math so many times I can’t even count”
"I've failed math so many times I can't even count" is a jocular line that has been printed on T-shirts and ecards. "I failed maths so many times I can't even…
“I’ve found the key to happiness. Stay away from assholes”
"I've found the key to happiness. Stay away from assholes" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I have found the key to happiness... Stay away from…
“I’ve given up my job in the circus because it was too difficult to juggle work and family”
A joke about working in the circus was posted on Twitter by Jem Brookes on February 11, 2012: "I've given up my job in the circus because it was too difficult to juggle work and…
“I’ve got a friend who reckons he can make high cuisine out of stock cubes. What an Oxo moron”
Oxo stock cubes (a food brand) has been the subject of "Oxo moron" (oxymoron) jokes. "What do you call someone who can't make stock from a cube? An oxo moron!…
“I’ve got a fruit fetish. Well, that’s according to my currant girlfriend”
"Currant" (a dried berry) sounds like "current." "My currant girlfriend just dumped me. I guess everything happens for a raisin," English comedian Darren Walsh posted…
“I’ve got a job as part of a human chess board. I’m on knights this week”
People on a human chess board work as kings, queens, bishops, knights, rooks and pawns. A joke was posted on Twitter on September 8, 2014: "I've just started work as a human chess…
“I’ve got a million of ‘em” (comedy saying)
"I've got a million of 'em" is what Manhattan-born actor and comedian Jimmy Durante (1893-1980) often said after telling a corny joke. The line probably originated in the…
“I’ve got a pen and a phone” (executive authority)
U.S. President Barack Obama said on January 14, 2014, that if Congress didn't act on legislation, he would try to go around that legislative body: “I’ve got a pen and I’ve got a…
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock”
Entry in progress -- B.P. Wikipedia: Henny YoungmanHenry "Henny" Youngman (original Yiddish surname Yungman; 16 March 1906 – 24 February 1998) was an English-born American comedian and…
“I’ve got it all together. I just forgot where I put it”
"I've got it all together. I just forgot where I put it" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I Finally Got It All Together, But I Forgot Where I Put…
“I’ve got mood poisoning. It must be something that I hate”
"I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate" (or "I got mood poisoning at work. It must be something I hate") -- a pun on "food poisoning" and…
“I’ve got no problems with genetically modified food. Just had a lovely leg of salmon”
A joke about genetically modified food is: "I don't know what all the fuss is about genetically modified food. I had a lovely leg of salmon the other day." The "leg of…
“I’ve got the same Easter plans as Jesus. Disappear on Friday, show up on Monday”
An Easter joke is: Wife: What are your plans for Easter?Husband: Same as Jesus..I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday. The joke was posted on Twitter by MAHLEKZA on April 3, 2015.…