“I run on equal parts coffee and spite”
Entry in progress -- BP X/Twitter Emam @eN4STY fueled by spite and also by caffeine a lil 6:23 PM · May 10, 2017 X/Twitter Lara Mann @larasgalaxyjax If it weren’t for coffee and spite in equal…
Alphebetical for "i"
“I run on Starbucks, sarcasm and red lipstick”
"I run on coffee, sarcasm and lipstick" is a saying that has been printed on many images. “@Sassy_Drunk: I run on Starbucks, sarcasm and red lipstick" -- Starbucks is a popular…
“I said ‘THE FLOOR IS JAVA’ when I dropped my coffee and I got a high five from 5 other dads”
"The floor is lava" is a game. "The floor is java" is a coffee pun. "The floor is java" is also a Java programming language joke. "I want to play the floor is…
“I said to my boss ‘Do you mind if I leave a bit earlier today?’ ‘Only if you can make up the time,’ he replied…”
When an employee has to "make up the time," that means, for example, staying late until a job is done. It doesn't mean making up a fictional time, but there are jokes. "I asked…
“I said to my boss the other day, ‘I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!’” (joke)
"I said to my boss the other day, 'I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!'" is the start of a joke that has been told on Reddit -- Jokes since November 27,…
“I said to the waitress, ‘What’s the duck like?’ She said, ‘Like a chicken, but it can swim.’”
Duck is not as popular on menus as chicken. A joke was posted on the newsgroup za.humour on May 15, 1997: "Prince Phillip is in Pretoria on Commonwealth business, and is invited to dine at…
“I said, ‘Make me a Zombie.’ The bartender said, ‘God beat me to it’”
The "Zombie" cocktail (rum and fruit juices) was popularized at the 1939 New York World's Fair. New York-based comedian Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004) told a joke in his routine:…
“I save my back exercise till the end. Lats but not least”
"I save my back exercise till the end… lats but not least" was posted on Twitter by Dubai Dad Jokes on May 15, 2023, and then posted about a minute later on Reddit -- Dadjokes.…
“I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time”
"24-hour banking" usually implies that there is an ATM at the bank that allows transactions all day (24 hours). It doesn't mean that a bank customer has to spend 24 hours at the…
“I saw a bumper sticker saying ‘I am a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal’”
"Saw a bumper sticker: 'I am a Veterinarian, that's why I drive like an animal'.Wonder what the sticker on a Gynecologist's car would say?" was posted on Twitter by…
“I saw a bumper sticker that said ‘I miss New York,’ so I broke the window and stole the radio”
A bumper sticker joke was posted on Twitter on May 18, 2011: "I saw a bumper stcker that read 'I miss NY' so I broke their wndow & stole the radio, I like helping ppl feel like…
“I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out”
"I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out. (via @russell_kane)" was posted on Twitter on March 2, 2012. The joke is from English comedian Ruseel Kane. Wikipedia: Russell…
“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. It was riveting”
"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. It was riveting" is a joke that has been printed on several images. "I watched a documentary last night that explained how they…
“I saw a family of raisins in the bank today. They were opening a currant account!”
Many people have a "current account" at a bank; a "currant" account is a popular pun that was cited in a 2008 book. "I just got asked if I wanted to invest in a business…
“I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled parking space at the supermarket today. I couldn’t help wondering what their handicap was”
A personal disability (or handicap) is different from a golf handicap, but there are jokes. "i saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled parking space outside work this morning.i thought to…
“I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled parking space outside work this morning. I thought to myself, ‘I wonder what his handicap is?’”
A personal disability (or handicap) is different from a golf handicap, but there are jokes. "i saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled parking space outside work this morning.i thought to…
“I saw a guy at Starbucks today. No phone, no tablet, no laptop. He just sat there drinking coffee”
Some people -- very few these days -- go into a coffeehouse like Starbucks and simply drink coffee. Brooklyn-based Wall Street Journal writer Jason Gay made a popular tweet on September 22,…
“I saw a guy at the beach yelling, ‘Help! Shark! Help!’ I knew the shark wasn’t helping”
"I saw a guy at the beach yelling, 'Help! Shark! Help!' I just laughed. I knew the shark wasn't going to help him" is a joke that as been printed on many images. The person…
“I saw a hot dog vendor today…” (joke)
There is a difference between a "hot dog vendor" and a hot "dog vendor." There's a joke: "I saw a hot dog vendor today... She was good looking, but I don't really…
“I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet… So I put on a life jacket and got on the rowing machine next to her”
"I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet... So I put on a life jacket and got on the rowing machine next to her" is a gym joke that has been printed on many images.…