“I never vote for anybody; I always vote against”
Entry in progress -- B.P. Wikiquote: W. C. FieldsW. C. Fields (29 January 1880 – 25 December 1946), born William Claude Dukenfield, was an American Actor and Comedian. Sourced. I never voted for…
Alphebetical for "i"
“I no longer dislike Mondays, I’m a professional now… I dislike the whole week”
Many people dislike Monday, which is the traditional start to the work week. "I no longer dislike Mondays, I'm mature now... I dislike the whole week" is a jocular saying that has…
“I no longer dislike Mondays, I’m mature now… I dislike the whole week”
Many people dislike Monday, which is the traditional start to the work week. "I no longer dislike Mondays, I'm mature now... I dislike the whole week" is a jocular saying that has…
“I no longer identify as a ‘conspiracy theorist’...”
"I no longer identify as a 'Conspiracy Theorist.' You may now refer to me as 'That bitch that was right the entire time'" (or "I no longer identify as a…
“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now change your Facebook status”
"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now change your Facebook status" -- a joke illustrating the importance of social media -- has been printed on several images. The usual…
“I occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked…but that’s rare”
A joke about ordering steak was posted on Twitter by Crap Jokes on April 1, 2015: "I occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked...but that’s rare." The one-line saying has been…
“I once dated a champion snow skier, but our relationship went downhill fast”
Many skiing jokes have it that things started off OK, but "went downhill." "couple met on ski trip? .things went downhill after that" was posted on X/Twitter by Mick O Callaghan…
“I once entered the World Kleptomaniac Championships. I took gold, silver and bronze”
"I entered a kleptomania competition. I got gold, silver and bronze" was posted on Reddit -- Dadjokes on May 28, 2019, and again on Reddit -- Dadjokes on June 21, 2019. "I once…
“I once flunked out of executioner school. I couldn’t get the hang of it”
Some people who work or who go to school can't "get the hang of it" (understand it). This expression usually has nothing to do with hanging, but there are jokes. "Why was the…
“I once had a job drilling holes. It was really boring”
"I once had a job drilling holes in wood. It was really boring" was posted on the newsgroup alt.humor.puns on May 18, 1998. The pun plays on the two meanings of "boring."…
“I once knew a bailiff who moonlighted as a bartender. He served subpoena coladas”
Piña colada (a cocktail) has nothing to do with subpoenas, but there are lawyer jokes. "Am I a lawyer? Lemme see ... I failed my bar exam (added too much rum to the subpoena colada), so the…
“I once played horse chestnut fighting with a giantess. She had to stoop to conker”
She Stoops to Conquer (1773) is a comedy by the Anglo-Irish author Oliver Goldsmith. A "conker" is a horse-chestnut. "I'm too old to go chucking sticks at the branches of a…
“I once read the road sign ‘Survey Crew Ahead’ as ‘Screwy Curve Ahead’”
The road sign "Survey Crew Ahead" confuses many people. A crew is surveying the road. "I saw a sign on the road while driving today that said, Survey crew ahead. I did. They looked…
“I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire. Spoiler alert”
"Spoiler alert" is a warning that the plot of a drama is about to be revealed. "Spoiler" alerts usually don't involve food, but there are several jokes. "SPOILER…
“I once tried to sniff Coke, but the ice cubes blocked my nostrils”
One joke about Coke (Coca-Cola) and coke (cocaine) is: "I once tried to sniff Coke, but the ice cubes blocked my nostrils." "I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck…
“I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve” (joke)
Kohl's is an American department store retail chain. It is usually extremely busy on Christmas Eve. "Working at Kohl's on Christmas Eve two years ago was seriously the worst thing…
“I once worked as a mannequin in Macy’s department store. I held that position for a long time”
An employee might say that he or she "held a position for a long time." This doesn't mean a physical position, but there are jokes. "My first job was posing like a mannequin in…
“I once worked as a mannequin in"a clothing store. I held that position for a long time”
An employee might say that he or she "held a position for a long time." This doesn't mean a physical position, but there are jokes. "My first job was posing like a mannequin in…
“I once worked as a salesman and was very independent. I took orders from no one”
American humorist Gerald Barzan was credited in the book The Greatest Laughs of All Time (1961), by Gerald F. Lieberman, with a popular line about working as a salesman: "I once worked as a…
“I once worked with someone who told customers ‘sorry, it’s my first day!’ any time they messed up, for 2 years straight”
"Sorry, it’s my first day on the job" is a popular employee work excuse. This was posted on X/Twitter by makayla on May 19, 2021, and received over 728,000 likes: "i once worked…