“I once flunked out of executioner school. I couldn’t get the hang of it”
Some people who work or who go to school can't "get the hang of it" (understand it). This expression usually has nothing to do with hanging, but there are jokes. "Why was the…
Alphebetical for "i"
“I once had a job drilling holes. It was really boring”
"I once had a job drilling holes in wood. It was really boring" was posted on the newsgroup alt.humor.puns on May 18, 1998. The pun plays on the two meanings of "boring."…
“I once knew a bailiff who moonlighted as a bartender. He served subpoena coladas”
Piña colada (a cocktail) has nothing to do with subpoenas, but there are lawyer jokes. "Am I a lawyer? Lemme see ... I failed my bar exam (added too much rum to the subpoena colada), so the…
“I once played horse chestnut fighting with a giantess. She had to stoop to conker”
She Stoops to Conquer (1773) is a comedy by the Anglo-Irish author Oliver Goldsmith. A "conker" is a horse-chestnut. "I'm too old to go chucking sticks at the branches of a…
“I once read the road sign ‘Survey Crew Ahead’ as ‘Screwy Curve Ahead’”
The road sign "Survey Crew Ahead" confuses many people. A crew is surveying the road. "I saw a sign on the road while driving today that said, Survey crew ahead. I did. They looked…
“I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire. Spoiler alert”
"Spoiler alert" is a warning that the plot of a drama is about to be revealed. "Spoiler" alerts usually don't involve food, but there are several jokes. "SPOILER…
“I once tried to sniff Coke, but the ice cubes blocked my nostrils”
One joke about Coke (Coca-Cola) and coke (cocaine) is: "I once tried to sniff Coke, but the ice cubes blocked my nostrils." "I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck…
“I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve” (joke)
Kohl's is an American department store retail chain. It is usually extremely busy on Christmas Eve. "Working at Kohl's on Christmas Eve two years ago was seriously the worst thing…
“I once worked as a mannequin in Macy’s department store. I held that position for a long time”
An employee might say that he or she "held a position for a long time." This doesn't mean a physical position, but there are jokes. "My first job was posing like a mannequin in…
“I once worked as a mannequin in"a clothing store. I held that position for a long time”
An employee might say that he or she "held a position for a long time." This doesn't mean a physical position, but there are jokes. "My first job was posing like a mannequin in…
“I once worked as a salesman and was very independent. I took orders from no one”
American humorist Gerald Barzan was credited in the book The Greatest Laughs of All Time (1961), by Gerald F. Lieberman, with a popular line about working as a salesman: "I once worked as a…
“I once worked with someone who told customers ‘sorry, it’s my first day!’ any time they messed up, for 2 years straight”
"Sorry, it’s my first day on the job" is a popular employee work excuse. This was posted on X/Twitter by makayla on May 19, 2021, and received over 728,000 likes: "i once worked…
“I only accept apologies in cash”
"I accept apologies in cash" was posted on Twitter by Luke Sparke on June 3, 2009. "I accept apologies in cash, cheesecake or chocolate" was posted on Twitter by Abhi Gupta on…
“I only carry rare coins. I have no common cents”
The term "rare coins" is often paired with "common cents" (a pun on "common sense"). "Thieves arrested after stealing nearly $69,000 in rare coins. So much for…
“I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person, and that person drinks a lot”
"I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person, and that person drinks a lot" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many images. "Kelkulus"…
“I only drink beer 3 days a week. Yesterday, today & tomorrow”
"I only drink beer/ bourbon/ coffee/ whiskey/ wine 3 days a week. Yesterday, today & tomorrow" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I only drink beer 3…
“I only drink bourbon 3 days a week. Yesterday, today & tomorrow”
"I only drink beer/ bourbon/ coffee/ whiskey/ wine 3 days a week. Yesterday, today & tomorrow" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I only drink beer 3…
“I only drink coffee 3 days a week. Yesterday, today & tomorrow”
"I only drink beer/ bourbon/ coffee/ whiskey/ wine 3 days a week. Yesterday, today & tomorrow" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I only drink beer 3…
“I only drink whiskey 3 days a week. Yesterday, today & tomorrow”
"I only drink beer/ bourbon/ coffee/ whiskey/ wine 3 days a week. Yesterday, today & tomorrow" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I only drink beer 3…
“I only drink wine 3 days a week. Yesterday, today & tomorrow”
"I only drink beer/ bourbon/ coffee/ whiskey/ wine 3 days a week. Yesterday, today & tomorrow" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I only drink beer 3…