“I hear proofreading is being abolished. Is nothing scared?”
"I hear proofreading is being abolished. Is nothing scared?" -- "sacred" is purposely misspelled -- is a joke that has been printed on many images. "I hear proofreading is…
Alphebetical for "i"
“I hear the monastery is laying off workers. All nun essential staff are gone”
The 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic caused many workers deemed "non-essential" to stay at home. This has nothing to do with nuns, but there are jokes. "It would be wrong for the Pope…
“I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math. Glad to know I’m in the other 2%”
Americans are bad at math, but good at jokes. "60% of Americans are bad at math, but I'm in the other 90%" was posted on Twitter by Megan Amram on September 14, 2010. "I heard…
“I heard a cactus fell in love with a fruit tree. They make a prickly pear”
An interesting possible cross of plants was posted on Reddit -- Dadjokes on May 23, 2021: "I heard a cactus fell in love with a fruit tree. They make a prickly pear." "Pear" is…
“I heard a church is a good place to go if you collect flags. It’s where you can seek pennants”
"Penance" can sound like "pennants." There is a joke about this. "My church gives away pointy flags to those who ask forgiveness from a priest... You should go there if you…
“I heard a really funny joke at our mandatory meeting at work” (joke)
When another telling of a joke doesn't work, "I guess you had to be there" is what the joke teller often says. "Did you hear the one about the mandatory meeting? I guess you had…
“I heard alcohol and sunlight can kill Corona, so if you see me naked and drunk in the yard…”
Entry in progress -- B.P. Wikipedia: 2019-20 coronavirus outbreakThe 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic is an ongoing global pandemic of coronavirus disease 2019 (COVID-19), caused by severe acute…
“I heard that cricket matches can last for days. No rest for the wicket”
"No rest for the wicked" is from the Book of Isaiah verses 48:22 and 57:20-21. "No rest for the wicket" is a cricket joke. "The Bowlers have plenty to do, and there is no…
“I heard the government is putting chips in people. I hope I get sour cream and onion”
"I heard the government is putting chips inside people. I hope I get Doritos" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The "chips" are usually radio-frequency…
“I heard the government is putting chips inside people. I hope I get Doritos”
"I heard the government is putting chips inside people. I hope I get Doritos" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The "chips" are usually radio-frequency…
“I heard the government is putting chips inside people. I hope I get hot Cheetos”
"I heard the government is putting chips inside people. I hope I get Doritos" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The "chips" are usually radio-frequency…
“I heard the government is putting chips inside people. I hope I get tortilla chips!”
"I heard the government is putting chips inside people. I hope I get Doritos" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The "chips" are usually radio-frequency…
“I heard the government is putting chips into people. I hope I get BBQ”
"I heard the government is putting chips inside people. I hope I get Doritos" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The "chips" are usually radio-frequency…
“I heard the more colorful your salad, the better it is for you. So I replaced my croutons with M&M’s”
"I heard the more colorful your salad, the better it is for you. So I replaced my croutons with M&M’s" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. M&M's…
“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there”
"Moderation in all things" or "Everything in moderation" is an old proverb. A joke was posted on Twitter on October 17, 2013: "I heard there was a new store called…
“I heard you can get lawyers at IKEA now. They’re affordable, but you have to build your own case”
A legal case isn't the same as a bookcase, but there are "case" jokes. "I heard you can get lawyers at Ikea now. They're very affordable, but you have to build your own…
“I highly recommend almond butter if you like peanut butter but think it tastes too good”
Peanut butter is more common than almond butter, and there might be a good reason for that. This was posted on X/Twitter by Kevin Farzad on March 25, 2018, and this received over 2,800 likes:…
“I hired a Russian Uber driver the other day. His name was Pikup Andropov”
The radio talk show Car Talk used many funny fictional names. "Ok, another Car Talk fan. The Russian chauffeur is Pickup Andropov" was posted on the newsgroup rec.arts.bonsai on January…
“I hit the gym, but I drove away because I don’t have car insurance”
"Hit the gym" is an expression meaning "go to the gym" that's not meant to be taken as a literal "hit," but there's a joke: "I hit the gym, but I drove…
“I hit two great balls on the golf course—I stepped on a rake” (joke)
An old joke has a golfer say this after a bad round of golf: "I hit two great balls on the golf course -- I stepped on a rake at the sand trap." The joke has been cited in print in 1985,…