“I got hit with a can of soda. Fortunately, it was a soft drink”
A "soft drink" isn't necessarily physically soft, but there's a joke: "Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft…
“Statistics are just people’s stories with the tears wiped away”
Entry in progress -- B.P. Hunter College (New York, NY)Ruth SidelRuth Sidel received her B A. from Wellesley College, her M.S.W. from the Boston University School of Social Work, and her Ph.D. from…
“It’s just a job. I beat people up” (boxing)
American boxer Muhammad Ali (1942-2016), nearing the end of his career, told the New York (NY) Times on April 6, 1977: "It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I…
“Whoa, Nellie!” (“Whoa, Nelly!”)
"Whoa, Nelly!" (or "Whoa, Nellie!") is what a rider might say to a horse to get it to stop. Many horses in the 19th century were called "Nelly." "Whoa,…
“If you believe in 12.5% of the Bible you’re an eighth theist”
"Eighth theist" and "eight theist" are puns for "atheist." "Eighth-Theist (n.) - Someone who only believes in God 12-1/2% of the time" was cited on Twitter…
“If it’s flooded, forget it” (driving on flooded streets)
"If it's flooded, forget it" means that if a street is flooded, it's not safe to drive on. The adage was started by the Queensland (Australia) Fire and Emergency Services in…
“Instant asshole—just add alcohol” (“Instant jackass—just add alcohol”)
"Instant asshole -- just add alcohol" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "The buttons have sayings on them: 'Are We Having Fun Yet?' 'Instant…
“It’s impossible to predict the past” (joke)
American political commentator Charles Krauthammer said at a McGill University COnvocation on June 14, 1993: "In the old Soviet Union, where the commissars would routinely rewrite and…
“Why do the French have so many civil wars?”/“So that they can win one.”
France has been invaded several times and there's a classic war joke: Q: Why do the French have so many civil wars?A: So that they can win one. English actor and comedian John Cleese (a…
“How do you make hard cider?”/“Put it in the freezer.”
A joke about hard cider is: Q: How do you make hard cider?A: Put it in the freezer. "How do you make hard cider? .................. Freeze it" was cited on Twitter on April 22, 2011. The…
“What’s worse than 9/11?”/“311.”
Jokes about the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center are often in questionable taste, but a frequent joke is told about the American rock band 311 (from Omaha, Nebraska):…
“Vote blue, no matter who”
The race for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination provided a choice between Hillary Clinton (the establishment candidate) and Bernie Sanders (the anti-establishment candidate). Many Sanders…
“El Bronx” (Bogotá, Colombia)
"El Bronx" is a neighborhood of the city of Bogotá, the capital of Colombia, that's named after the New York City borough of "The Bronx." El Bronx is a high crime area,…
Gunpocalypse (gun + apocalypse)
"Gunpocalypse" (gun + apocalypse) has meant various things, such as an apocalypse with guns and an apocalypse without guns. "Got my gun and 100+ bullets and some targets....…
Naples: Grape Pie Capital of the World (nickname)
The town of Naples, in New York's Finger Lakes region of southwest Ontario County, has been called the "Grape Pie Capital of the World" since at least the 1980s. The Naples Grape…
“Not all math puns are bad. Just sum”
"Not all math puns are bad. Just sum" is a joke that was posted on Reddit on May 30, 2016. "Math puns are bad, and then sum" -- a similar joke -- had been posted on Twitter on…
“We come, not to mourn our dead soldiers, but to praise them”
"We come, not to mourn our dead soldiers, but to praise them" is a popular quotation every Memorial Day. American economist and academic administrator Francis Amasa Walker (1840-1897)…
“The dead soldier’s silence sings our national anthem”
"The dead soldier's silence sings our national anthem" is a popular Memorial Day quotation that has been printed on many images. The saying has been credited to Rev. Aaron Kilbourn…
“Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver”
"Sometimes I drink water (just) to surprise my liver" is a jocular drinking saying that has been printed on many images. "Today I am gonna surprise my liver, I'm gonna drink…
“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy”
"Love your enemies" is from the New Testament, Matthew 5:44. "People say that whisky is a man's worst enemy, but the Bible says that we should love our enemies so what is a…