“I childproofed the house, but they still get in”
To "waterproof" a house is to make sure that no water gets inside. To "childproof" a house, however, means that the house is a safe environment for children. A popular joke is:…
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“Gym update: Not there”
Some people post personal gym workout updates on social media. "Gym update: Not there" was cited on Twitter on January 2, 2014. The status update joke has been printed on T-shirts.…
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early”
"No man goes before his time -- unless the boss has left early" is a jocular line that has been cited in print since at least 1952. Citations in 1952 and 1953 did not show the name of a…
“Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does”
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does" is a witty line that was credited to editor Bill Targ (1907-1999) in 1946. "The trouble with the…
“How can they both be right?”/“You’re right, too.”
A popular joke is frequently told about when a judge (or a rabbi) hears a case, telling both sides that they're right. A listener asks how both sides can be right, and the judge (or rabbi)…
“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music”
Entry in progress -- B.P. [This entry was prepared with research assistance from the Quote Investigator.] Wikiquote: Georges ClemenceauGeorges Benjamin Clemenceau (28 September 1841 – 24 November…
Ithaca: Ithaca is Gorges (slogan)
Ithaca, New York is known for being the home of Cornell University, but the city wanted to advertise its natural beauty of waterfalls and gorges. Ithaca resident and Cornell graduate Howard S.…
“Make your parents proud, your enemies jealous, and yourself happy”
"Make your parents proud, your enemies jealous, and yourself happy" is a popular saying that evolved on Twitter. "Make your parents proud, and if you can't do that, at least…
“Too caustic? To hell with the cost, we’ll make the picture anyway”
Polish-American movie producer Samuel Goldwyn (1879-1974) was known for his malapropisms, or "Goldwynisms." In August and September 1934, several stories emerged about Goldwyn in a…
“Anyone who goes to see a psychiatrist should have his head examined”
Polish-American movie producer Samuel Goldwyn (1879-1974) was known for his malapropisms, or "Goldwynisms." Syndicated Hollywood columnist reported in June 1948: "Stop me if…
“It’s not over until you shake hands” (hockey, tennis adage)
Tennis players often shake hands at the end of a match. Hockey players in the Stanley Cup playoffs shake hands at the end of a series. "It's not over until you shake hands" is an…
“Hotel — A place where you pay dollars for quarters”
"Living quarters" is not the same term as a "quarter" that equals twenty-five cents. However, a hotel pun involving "quarters" has been popular since the 1890s.…
“Old Italian chefs never die—they’re just put out to pasta”
"Old soldiers never die -- they just fade away” is an old saying that was popularized by General Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964) in his farewell address to Congress on April 19, 1951. Many…
“If you break both of your legs, don’t come running to me”
The newspaper comic strip "Dinah Mite" by Joe Buresch, published on August 5, 1955, showed a father cautioning his tree-climbing daughter (Dinah): "If you fall and break your leg,…
“I’m overpaying him, but he’s worth it”
Polish-American movie producer Samuel Goldwyn (1879-1974) was known for his malapropisms, or "Goldwynisms." Syndicated newspaper columnist Walter Winchell wrote in June 1940: "Samuel…
“A hospital is no place to be sick”
Entry in progress -- B.P. Wikipedia: Samuel GoldwynSamuel Goldwyn (born Szmuel Gelbfisz (Yiddish: שמואל גלבפֿיש); August 17 1879 – January 31, 1974), also known as Samuel Goldfish,…
“Our comedies are not to be laughed at”
Entry in progress -- B.P. Wikipedia: Carl LaemmleCarl Laemmle (krl.lɛm.li/; born Karl Lämmle; January 17, 1867 – September 24, 1939) was a German pioneer in American film making and a founder…
“Overweight is something that sort of snacks up on you”
"Overweight is something that sort of snacks up on you" was cited in Earl Wilson's syndicated entertainment column in September 1974 and credited to Kirk Kirkpatrick (probably…
“The brain never stops working until you start to speak in public”
A popular public speaking joke was cited in print in March 1949 and credited to Dublin Opinion: "The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never…
“I read recipes the same way I read science fiction” (joke)
American comedian Rita Rudner used a successful line in her routine by at least 2000: "I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's…