“What do you give to a man who has everything?”/“Penicillin.”
A problem was popularized in the 1950s, especially around Christmas -- what do you give the person who has everything? There's a joke: Q: What do you give to a man who has everything?A:…
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“What do you call a guy in debt?”/“Owen.”
A riddle about a person in debt is: Q: What do you call a guy in debt?A: Owen. The riddle has been cited in print since at least 2006, when it was included in a joke book. “What do you call a…
“I bought some rocket salad yesterday, but it went off before I could eat it”
"Rocket salad" doesn't contain rocketships, but there's a joke: "I bought some rocket salad yesterday, but it went off before I could eat it." The joke was posted on…
“How do you make a Venetian blind?”/“Poke him in the eye.”
The term "Venetian blind" (a type of window blind) is used in a classic riddle: Q: How do you make a Venetian blind?A: Poke him in the eye. The joke has been cited in print since at least…
“I’m crazy? I want a second opinion!”/“You’re ugly, too.”
A popular psychiatry joke has a psychiatrist tell a man, "You're crazy." "I want a second opinion," the man responds. "OK," says the doctor, "you're…
“Baseball is the only sport you can play with food in your mouth”
Many baseball players have stuff in their mouths, such as gum or chewing tobacco. "Baseball is the only game you can play with food in your mouth smh" was posted on Twitter on May 15,…
“He said, ‘You remind me of a pepper pot.’ I said, ‘I’ll take that as a condiment’”
A top British pun (confusing "condiment" with "compliment") has been cited in print since at least 2001: "He said: 'You remind me of a pepper pot' I said:…
“Why can’t dogs dance?”/“Because they have two left feet.”
A clumsy dancer is said to have "two left feet." A popular animal riddle (usually about dogs) is: Q: Why can't dogs (four-legged animals) dance?A: Because they have two left feet.…
“What’s worse than spiders on your piano?”/“Crabs on your organ.”
The organ has been the subject of many sex jokes. One popular pun is: Q: What's worse than spiders on your piano?A: Crabs on your organ. "Q: Whats worse than lobsters on your piano? A:…
“I went to a zoo and it had only one animal—a dog. It was a Shih Tzu”
"I went to a zoo the other day and it had only one animal -- a dog. It was a Shih Tzu (shit zoo)" is a popular joke that has been printed on many images. The joke has been cited in print…
“A fruit probably wouldn’t travel to Australia, but a veggie might”
Vegemite (an Australian food spread made from leftover brewers' yeast extract) has had several "veggie might" puns. This was posted to Reddit -- Jokes on January 9, 2017: "A…
“Baseball is the only sport you can play with food in your mouth”
Many baseball players have stuff in their mouths, such as gum or chewing tobacco. "Baseball is the only game you can play with food in your mouth smh" was posted on Twitter on May 15,…
“I burnt my Hawaiian pizza. I should’ve put it on aloha setting”
A popular Hawaiian pizza pun is: "I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night... I should've put it on aloha setting." That is, "a lower" oven temperature setting. "I just…
“I’m being held momentarily by the train dispatcher” (joke)
A frequent subway announcement is that the train is "being held momentarily by the train dispatcher. Oliver Burkeman posted a joke on Twitter on April 24, 2014: "I wonder if, when they…
“I used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat”
A British English apartment joke was posted on Twitter on August 19, 2012: "I used to live in a tyre but then I got a puncture, now I live in a flat." "I used to live in a tyre, but…
“I went to a fetish restaurant last night. I got toed in the hole!”
The British dish of "toad in the hole" has had some "toed in the hole" sex jokes. This was posted on Twitter on January 21, 2013: "Took the wife out for dinner but all she…
“How do you keep a violin from getting stolen?”/“Put it in a viola case.”
A popular riddle about the viola is: Q: How do you keep a violin from getting stolen?A: Put it in a viola case. In other words, no one would steal a viola. THe joke has been cited in print since at…
“My old school bully still takes my lunch money…” (joke)
A joke about a school bully is: "To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches." That is, the old…
“When all else fails, read the instructions”
"When all else fails, read the instructions" is a jocular line that has been cited in print since at least 1954, when it was applied to an automatice food dispensing machine. "If all…
“Why are mountains so funny? Because they’re hill areas”
"Why are mountains so funny? Because they're hill areas" is a hilarious pun that has been printed on many images. The joke was posted by Dave Lee on Twitter on July 14, 2011.…