“A tuba player walks into a bar…” (bar joke)
"A guy walks into a bar..." is a typical form of what has been called the "bar joke." A tuba version is: "A tuba player walks into a bar. The dent is $300 to repair."…
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“How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?”
"How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?" is a saying that has been printed on an ecard. "How big does a cupcake have to be before it's no longer a cupcake?…
“I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players. The servers are currently down”
Websites often have a problem with a “server,” providing the basis of tennis puns. "Made a website for depressed tennis players. Servers are currently down" was posted on Twitter on…
“Wine is the best lip stain”
"Wine is the best lip stain" is a wine saying that has been printed on several images. "Wine is the best lip stain #factsosaurus @FACTSosaurus" was posted on Twitter on December…
“When I was in school a policeman came in & did a talk on drugs. I didn’t understand a word he said”
People often are invited to schools to talk to children about drugs. Some people talk on drugs. "When I was at school, a policeman came in and did a talk on drugs. Couldn't understand a…
“If I had to describe myself in three words, I would say, ‘Not very good at maths’”
A math joke was posted on Twitter by Sanjeev Kohli on November 27, 2012: "If I were to describe myself in three words, I would probably say 'really not very good at maths.'"…
“Red wine is the best lip stain”
"Wine is the best lip stain" is a wine saying that has been printed on several images. "Wine is the best lip stain #factsosaurus @FACTSosaurus" was posted on Twitter on December…
“What do you call a Native American cook?”/“A Sioux chef.”
A sous-chef de cuisine (French for "under-chef of the kitchen") shouldn't be confused with a "Sioux" chef, but there are jokes. "SIOUX CHEF OPENING" was an error…
“Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?”/“It was time for his annual eggzam.”
An Easter bunny riddle was posted on Reddit -- Dad Jokes on April 1, 2018: Q: Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?A: It was time for his annual eggzam. There have also been other Easter bunny…
“I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players. The servers are currently down”
Websites often have a problem with a “server,” providing the basis of tennis puns. "Made a website for depressed tennis players. Servers are currently down" was posted on Twitter on…
“If you spill paint on your lawn, you can watch paint dry and grass grow at the same time”
Both "watching paint dry" and "watching grass grow" are classically unexciting things; sometimes these activities are combined. "Any day now... Its like watching fruit…
“Grocery store workers ask ‘paper or plastic’ because baggers can’t be choosers”
"Beggar's can't be choosers" is an old proverb. A supermarket joke was printed in the Washington (DC) Post on February 29, 1996: "Checkers at grocery stores always ask…
“I once played horse chestnut fighting with a giantess. She had to stoop to conker”
She Stoops to Conquer (1773) is a comedy by the Anglo-Irish author Oliver Goldsmith. A "conker" is a horse-chestnut. "I'm too old to go chucking sticks at the branches of a…
“You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it”
"You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "YOU MAY have to fight a battle more than once to win it. -- Mrs.…
“What do you say to a Texas man driving a German car?”/“Audi.”
Audi is a German automobile manufacturer. The German name sounds somewhat like "howdy." "No joke but I just saw a Texan walk into a German car showroom and shout…
“Doc, I have lettuce sticking out of my bum.”/“Sorry, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”
Iceberg lettuce has had several "iceberg" jokes. One joke has a patient seeing a doctor: PATIENT: Doctor, I have lettuce sticking out of my bum. Is my condition serious?DOCTOR: I'm…
“Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles”
"'Every triangle is a love triangle if you love triangles' - Pythagoras. @JamesAcaster brilliant this evening" was posted on Twitter on February 12, 2014. Pythagoras was an…
“Never lie to someone who trusts you, and never trust someone who lies to you”
"Never lie to someone who trusts you, and never trust someone who lies to you" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "Never trust someone who lies to you. Never lie to…
“I run on coffee, sarcasm and lipstick”
"I run on coffee, sarcasm and lipstick" is a saying that has been printed on many images. “@Sassy_Drunk: I run on Starbucks, sarcasm and red lipstick" -- Starbucks is a popular…
“Adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street & then getting hit by an airplane”
"Adulthood/College is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane" -- that is, doing everything right and then getting blindsided by something…