“I’ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me”

“Archers understand arrow dynamics”

“Archers study arrow dynamics”

“I’m not saying I’m old…but when I was in school we made our parents ashtrays for Christmas”

Didn’t Earn It (Diversity, Equity and Inclusion or DEI backronym)

“Our leaders aren’t stupid. They’re not incompetent either. They’re traitors. You know that, right?”

“Our leaders are not incompetent. They’re not stupid either. They’re communists. You know that, right?”

“If your country can afford to give money away to other countries, then you pay too much in taxes”

“Texas women and Texas weather, pretty much the same thing”

“Texas woman and Texas weather, pretty much the same thing”

“Will I be hot or cold today? Texas: Yes”

“Me: Is it going to be hot or cold today? Texas: Yes”

“Texas weather and Texas women, pretty much the same thing”

“Me: Is it gonna be hot or cold today? Texas: Yeah”

“DEMOCRACY A system that operates on the premise that your individual rights don’t exist simply because you’re outnumbered”

Little Apple (Toronto, Canada)

Little Apple (Toronto, Canada nickname)

“Where can you find Napoleon Bonaparte in a supermarket?”/“Eggs aisle (exile).”

“Where can you find Moses at the supermarket?”/“Eggs aisle (exile).”

“I’m at the grocery store, lost in the eggs aisle”

“Where do you find eggs in a supermarket?”/“In exile (eggs aisle).”

“I love it when people post me Swiss cheese. I know, I’m just being sent Emmental”

“I fondly remember ordering a range of cheeses to be delivered, or perhaps I’m just being sent Emmental”

“If sex is the best form of exercise, why is it not readily available in the gym?”

“Be the reason someone smiles today. Or blocks you. Whatever”

“When my Swiss friends send me cheese, I get sad and miss them terribly. I know I’m being sent Emmental”

“Corporations can buy unfair favors from government…because government has unfair favors to sell”

“Never make fun of someone if they mispronounce a word. It means they learned it by reading”

“Are there doctors in New York since it’s called the Big Apple?”

“I like to have at least 5 practice beers before having my actual first beer”

“I like to have at least 5 practice beers before I have my actual beer”

“Scientists should stop analyzing animal intelligence and start studying human stupidity”

“Life is like a chair, never trust a bird because the rock”

“Life is like a door, never trust a cow because the sun can’t swim”

“Before 1913 we got 100% of our paycheck”

“I love Mexican food them chicken case of ideas be so good fr”

“Whenever a waiter asks me how I want my steak, I always say ‘free’”

“Scientists should stop studying animal intelligence and start studying human stupidity”

“Science should stop analyzing animal intelligence and start studying human stupidity”

“My student friend says he’s studying forensics…” (joke)

“To avoid straining your eyes at work, use the 30-30 rule. After 30 minutes of work, quit your job…”

“If a package of bacon isn’t resealable, it contains one serving”

“Life is too short to be sleeping with someone who trusts the government”

“Life is too precious to be sleeping with someone who trusts the government”

“Giving a fuck doesn’t really go with my outfit today”

“People who drive without music are actually psychopaths”

“People who drive without music are psychopaths”

“Don’t cry at home. Cry at work so they have to pay you for it”

“Giving a fuck doesn’t go with my outfit”

“Forensics is ten” (jocular definition)

“Remember, Mother’s Day is for moms, not men in dresses—Your day is April 1st”

“United States of America? You mean the Federal Reserve and its 50 bitches”

“Believe in yourself, even when no one else will.—Sasquatch”

“Believe in yourself, even when no one else does.—Sasquatch”

“Believe in yourself, especially when no one else will.—Sasquatch”

“Remember when everyone knew pro wrestling was fake and they finally admitted it…”

20-20-20 Rule (for eyes)

“Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money”

“Anyone else boil the kettle twice? Just in case the boiling water has gone cold…”

“Thank you, ATM fees, for allowing me to buy my own money”

“Shoutout to ATM fees for making me buy my own money”

“Don’t be a chaser, be the one who gets chased. You are the tequila, not the lime”

Crun (croissant + cinnamon bun)

“You are the tequila, not the lime”

“I am the tequila, not the lime”

“Be the tequila, not the lime”

“Politicians—They can’t balance the budget, but they all become millionaires”

“There’s no plan to fix anything because the plan was to destroy everything”

“My love for the truth outweighs my fear of offending you”

“The U.S. should add three more states. Because 53 is a prime number. Then they can truly be one nation, indivisible”

“A pint of tequila? That’s a long shot”

“Has anyone here ever drank a pint of tequila? I know it’s a long shot”

“Instead of ‘British Summer Time’ and ‘Greenwich Mean Time’ we should just call them ‘Oven Clock Correct Time’...”

“They can’t balance the budget, but they all become millionaires”

“They can’t balance the budget, but they’re all millionaires”

Big Apple Compost (2020-present)

“I no longer dislike Mondays, I’m mature now… I dislike the whole week”

“One day I wanna be ‘Fridge in the garage’ successful”

Polyjamorous (polyamorous + jam)

“I listen to every genre of music. I’m polyjamorous”

“If ‘camping’ means my hotel room faces the woods, then yeah, I’ll go camping”

“If by ‘camping” you mean my hotel room will face the woods, then yes I’m up for a camping trip!”

“Coffee—Because fuck waking up, fuck work, fuck mornings, fuck people… Mmmmmmmm coffee”

“Just overheard a girl order a Bloody Mary when apple juice wasn’t available…”

“If someone steals my identity, I really hope they pay off my debt”

“I no longer dislike Mondays, I’m a professional now… I dislike the whole week”

“Me: Will it be warm, cold, rainy, snowy or windy today? Spring: Yes”

“Me: Will it be hot, cold, sunny or rainy today? Spring: Yes”

“Sometimes I’m healthy AF and sometimes I use cookies as a spoon for ice cream”

“The purpose of a meme is to disturb the humorless, and to humor the disturbed”

“From now on every bridge I cross I’m going 100 mph”

“Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody’s gonna to die. Come watch TV”

“Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody’s gonna to die. Come have a beer”

“Due to personal reasons, I’m going to keep posting memes instead of seeking professional help”

“I hope one day I love something the way women in commercials love yogurt”

“I hope someday I love something the way women in commercials love yogurt”

“Sometimes I eat healthy. Other times, I use cookies as spoons”

“Netflix should have a category called ‘easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time’”

“Manager: Do you want to do overtime? Me: First of all, I don’t even want to do regular time”

“I’ve always wondered why there is a day dedicated to fools. I see fools every day and frankly, I’m sick of it”