“We don’t need to justify why we should be allowed to do something…”

“When I’m at Chipotle, l always wait until after the employee puts the first scoop of chicken on my burrito…”

“I didn’t get the job hypnotising chickens. I failed the hen trance exam”

“The real problem with the upcoming election is that one of them is going to win”

“The real gun problem is, too few good people carry a good one”

“The problem with guns is too few people carry one”

“The real ‘problem’ with guns is too few people carry one”

“It’s a leap year so whatever you do today won’t show up on social media memories for another four years”

“It helps if you imagine autocorrect as a tiny little elf in your phone who’s trying so hard to be helpful but is in fact quite drunk”

“Wind chimes are made from the metallic bones of robots that tried to overthrow us…”

“Income tax: the fine you pay for not being quite the person your ancestor was”

“So I need a uterus to have an opinion about women’s health, but not to compete in women’s sports”

“Smile. It’s Friday”

“It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow I’m going there in person to see what’s going on”

“Been 6 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed. Guess it’s time to go there personally and check what’s the problem”

“I will never understand some people’s fascination with their ancestry. Isn’t knowing your current family bad enough?”

“Fake bacon is for people who think eating meat is murder, but still like the taste of murder”

Rise In Power (RIP)

“I still hate Commies… even after they changed their name to Liberals”

“The best way to celebrate Leap Day is coming to the Empire State Building”

“Why do police drive around looking for crime?”

“Fake meat is for people who think meat is murder, but still like the taste of murder”

“Fake meat substitutes are for people who think eating meat is murder, but still like the taste of murder”

“High blood pressure implies the existence of high crip pressure”

“Thinking that printing banknotes ends poverty is like thinking that printing diplomas ends ignorance”

“I’m writing a book about drinking beer. I’m currently on my 4th draft”

“Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating. Me: No.”

“If printing money would end poverty, printing diplomas would end stupidity”

“If genitals don’t define gender, how does removing them affirm it?”

“Imagine thinking genitalia doesn’t indicate gender… then suggesting to cut off genitalia to ‘change’ gender”

“If this weather gets any more bipolar I’m going to try to date it”

“If I post something you don’t like, just ignore it like you ignore government corruption”

“Dudes living off their girls government assistance trying to act tough. Calm down John WIC”

“If you don’t like something I post, just ignore it like you ignore government corruption”

“If I post something you don’t like, just ignore it like you ignore the corruption of the government”

“If I post something you don’t like, just ignore it like you ignore corruption in the government”

“Who needs therapy when you can shitpost on X/Twitter?”

“Show me a time in history where rendering the good people helpless made the bad people harmless”

“In politics, few talents are as richly rewarded as the ability to convince parasites that they are victims”

“The government doesn’t want you living a long happy life. They owe you social security”

“If there is a government shutdown who will spy on me, waste my money and have contempt for me?”

“Few skills are so well rewarded as the ability to convince parasites that they are victims”

“Minimalism is a scam invented by big small to sell more less”

“Friendly reminder—No lives matter to the government. Let that sink in before you think you’re special”

“I love kindness unless it’s a person at a four way stop waving for me to go when it is clearly their turn”

“Nobody needs an AR15? Nobody needs a whiny little bitch either, yet here you are”

“There is no talent so ardently supported, nor generously rewarded, as the ability to convince parasites they are victims”

“In the government’s eye, no lives matter. Let that sink in while you all act like a bunch of idiots against each other”

“My origami skills are in creasing”

“The popularity of origami is in creasing”

“The origami shop says business is in creasing”

“A truck full of pepper mills has crashed on the highway. The traffic has ground to a halt”

“If you think this is bad, you should see what the government is doing”

“If you think this is bad. you should see what our government is up to”

“The people against voter ID wanted you to show vaccine papers”

“None of our leaders are punished for lying. Instead, regular people are punished for telling the truth”

“Those who give up pizza to get little temporary abs, deserve neither pizza, nor abs.—Benjamin Franklin”

“If you think shoplifting is bad, you should see what our government is doing”

“Those who would give up essential Pizza, to purchase a little temporary Abs, deserve neither Pizza nor Abs”

“Being an adult is a little bit out of my price range right now”

“Being alive is a little bit out of my price range right now”

“Being alive is a little out of my price range rn”

“Being alive is a little out of my price range right now”

“My gun is not a threat unless you are”

“Being an adult is a little out of my price range right now”

“Shop like it’s 1999”

“I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999. I wanna grocery shop like it’s 1999”

“I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999. I wanna go grocery shopping like it’s 1999”

“People who need leaders aren’t fit to choose them”

“I don’t want to party like it’s 1999. I want to grocery shop like it’s 1999”

“Guns don’t kill people. Planned Parenthood kills people”

“Shopping like it’s 1999”

“Guns don’t kill people. Planned Parenthood does”

“Cheese dip is thicker than blood” (joke)

“If there’s a vegetable emergency, Kale 911”

“Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you add 23 knives”

“If I read one more corny Ides of March joke, I’m going to stab my best friend”

“I thought I’d take a stab at an Ides of March joke”

“Every time I drink Magners or Bulmers I start swearing like a trooper. I must be suffering from cider fecks”

“If there’s a vegetable emergency, Kale 999”

“It’s never your super successful friends posting the inspirational quotes”

“It’s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes”

“Don’t forget to set your clock on fire tonight. Time isn’t real”

“It’s never your successful friends posting the communist quotes”

“Don’t forget to set your clock on fire this Sunday. Time isn’t real”

“I don’t want any more help from the government. I can’t afford it”

“It’s never your successful friends sharing the socialist propaganda.—George Washington”

“In 1775, they tried to take our guns. We shot them”

“Did we do it, did we save the daylight”

“I don’t even see the Oscars anymore. I just see Epstein Island visitors”

“The State of the Union Address does not take place in any state in the union”

“Happy Oscar night! Where we get to watch people who glorify disobedience, adultery, murder, theft, and lying…”

“Happy Oscar Night! When we get to watch people who glorify adultery, murder, theft…”

“I don’t even see the Golden Globes anymore. I just see Epstein Island visitors”

“Paying taxes to a corrupt government is not patriotic. It is slavery”

“If you behaved like your government, you’d be arrested”

“Paying taxes to a corrupt government isn’t patriotism. It’s slavery”

“Adult friendship is really just shooting off texts like yes hello I’m not dead yet can I arrange to see you in four to six weeks”

“I wonder why there are no women transitioning to men so that they can compete in men’s sports”

“Happy slaves are the biggest enemies of freedom”