“Substack implies the existence of Domstack and Switchstack”

“Bacon alone can’t solve all our problems That’s what bourbon is for!”

“Bacon alone can’t solve all our problems. That’s what whiskey is for”

“A screwdriver walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Beer is the only drink that’s acceptable to be served in a glass that’s overflowing and dripping”

“Cream cheese is a poor man’s brie”

“Velveeta is to cheese what Spam is to meat”

“Tampico is a poor man’s SunnyD”

“Velveeta is to cheese what Spam is to ham”

“Velveeta is the Spam of cheese”

“Velveeta is the Spam of cheeses”

“Spam is the Velveeta of meat”

“Velveeta is to Texas what SPAM is to Hawaii”

“Spam is the Velveeta of meats”

“Life is better with good coffee”

“If the truth offends you, it’s mostly likely that you are deceived”

“Yea, I’m in a cult. We brainwash people to think for themselves”

“If the truth offends you, it’s most likely because you are deceived”

“I just laugh stuff off cause prison don’t cook the food I like”

“I love having coffee with friends. And by friends I mean coffee. Coffee is my friend”

“I love having coffee with friends. And by friends I mean my dog”

“What does a Jewish pescatarian say at breakfast time on the day of atonement? ‘Yum, kipper.’”

“‘Yum, kipper!’—a Jewish man enjoying his breakfast on the Day of Atonement”

“Why is it wrong to drive a van with 2 lawyers off a cliff? Because you could have fit 20 of them”

“Before you lose your shit, remember there’s no wine in prison”

“Here’s a reminder before you lose your shit today. They don’t serve alcohol in prison”

“Tampico is a poor man’s orange juice”

“SunnyD is a poor man’s orange juice”

“Tang is a poor man’s orange juice”

“Tang is a poor man’s SunnyD”

“Tampico is a poor man’s Tang”

“Chobani is a poor man’s Fage”

“Logan’s Roadhouse is a poor man’s Texas Roadhouse”

Poor Man’s Lobster (monkfish)

“LongHorn Steakhouse is a poor man’s Texas Roadhouse”

“Colton’s Steak House is a poor man’s Texas Roadhouse”

“Texas Roadhouse is a poor man’s Outback Steakhouse”

“Outback Steakhouse is poor man’s Texas Roadhouse”

“Outback Steakhouse is a poor man’s LongHorn Steakhouse”

“My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket”

“My phone just filmed a 5 hour documentary about life in my pocket”

“My phone just filmed a 3 hour documentary about life inside my pocket”

“It takes nothing to join the crowd. It takes everything to stand alone”

“Whoever said ‘all you need is love’ clearly never had warm peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream”

“Nobody is coming to save you. Get up, and be your own hero”

“Nobody is coming to save you. Get up. Be your own hero”

“Sometimes you have to be your own hero”

“Nobody is coming to save you. Get the fuck up and be your own hero”

“A new study shows that the most expensive vehicle to operate is a shopping cart”

“The most expensive vehicle to operate, by far, is the Costco shopping cart”

“The most expensive vehicle to operate, per mile, is the shopping cart”

“Life Lesson #843: ‘Analogy’ is NOT the study of buttholes”

“Driving by myself is so tiring cause I have to be the lead singer, back up singer, dancers…”

“Everybody hates math until that paycheck looks funny now y’all know Calculus”

“Analogy is not the study of buttholes”

“Everybody hates math until that paycheck looks a little funny”

“I drive home so quick after work like I’m late for the house”

“I be flying home after work like I’m late for the house”

“People Be Flyin Home From Work Like They Gone B Late For The House Or Sumn??”

“Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience?”

“Everyone has a tequila story”

“Mondays should be given a restraining order”

“It’s so hot, I just saw a bird blow on a worm before it ate it”

“I got hit by a violin, a clarinet and a French horn today. It was an orchestrated attack”

“Buying groceries is starting to make me wonder what a pine cone tastes like!”

“It’s so hot today, I just saw a bird blow on a worm before it ate it”

“I was walking down the road and first got hit by a violin, then a clarinet and then a piano…”

“Hits rock bottom. *adds Geologist to resume”

“Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can’t get the straw in the hole…”

“Boss: ‘You missed work yesterday, didn’t you?’ Me: ‘Not particularly.’”

“Make Groceries Affordable Again” (MGAA)

“Make American Groceries Affordable” (MAGA)

“Make America’s Groceries Affordable” (MAGA)

“Make All Groceries Affordable” (MAGA)

“Make Affordable Groceries Again” (MAGA)

“Make American Gas Affordable” (MAGA)

“Sure every trip to the grocery store costs twice as much as it used to but hey…”

“Make Affordable Gas Again” (MAGA)

“Make America’s Gas Affordable” (MAGA)

“I’d enjoy summer a lot more if someone came by hourly and misted me like produce”

“I just realized the paper towels by the gas pump are for wiping away tears after filling your gas”

“Skilled labor isn’t cheap. Cheap labor isn’t skilled”

“Skilled labor ain’t cheap. Cheap labor ain’t skilled”

“When I say ‘I’ll figure it out’ I mean I’ll just adapt to whatever new level of hell is coming”

“I couldn’t believe it till I saw it with mayonnaise.—Hellmann’s”

“I didn’t believe there was a sauce made from oil and egg yolks, but then I saw it with mayonnaise!”

“If you think the price of winning is too high, wait until you get the bill from regret”

“I pay too many bills to be paying attention to people that don’t pay my bills”

“I pay too many bills to be paying attention to shit that don’t pay my bills”

“Sunday is a special day because you get to regret the weekend AND dread the week”

“If you think the price of sobriety is too high, just wait until you get the bill from regret”

“If you think the cost of winning is high, just wait until you get the bill for regret”

“If you think the price of winning is too high, wait till you get the bill from regret”

“Haven’t had sex in so long, I’m frying bacon just to get spat on”

“Sorry for anything I said when it was 109° outside”

“I’m sorry for the things I said when it was winter”