“Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 9”

“Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8”

“Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches”

Florida Ounces (joke about “fl. oz.” or fluid ounces)

Florida Ounces (joke about “fl. oz.” or fluid ounces)

“Today I learned that British imperial florida ounces are different from US florida ounces”

“Florida ounces imply the existence of California ounces”

“Florida kilos imply the existence of Florida ounces”

“Sweating harder than my ex tryna tell the truth rn”

“This heat got me sweating harder than my ex tryna tell the truth”

“Your cell phone has already replaced your watch, camera, calendar, and alarm clock…”

“It’s so hot the crackheads are putting the copper back in the A.C. units”

“It’s so hot tweakers are putting the copper back into air conditioners”

“Remember that level of Super Mario 3, where the sun is trying to kill you? That’s Florida”

“Remember that level of Super Mario 3, where the sun is trying to kill you? That’s Texas”

“That stupid walk you do when someone’s mopping a floor and you know you’re going to walk over it..”

“Remember that level of Super Mario 3, where the sun is trying to kill you? That’s today”

“Someone crash the housing market again so I can buy a place to live”

“Mello Yello is a poor man’s Mountain Dew. It can’t even afford the W’s”

“Dear Sun, we know you a real ass nigga, you aint gotta keep it 100 no mo…”

“Problem with propaganda is the past changes so quickly, you don’t know what will happen yesterday”

“Dear sun, we know u a real one. You don’t have to keep it 100 anymore”

“The past is rewritten so fast that you don’t know what will happen yesterday.—Soviet joke”

“Sun Drop is a poor man’s Mello Yello, which is already a poor man’s Mountain Dew”

“Dear sun… We know you’re a real one… You don’t have to keep it 100 anymore!”

“Your cell phone has already replaced your camera, your calendar, your alarm clock…”

“If I wanted to bag my own groceries, I would have pursued a career in the Grocery Arts”

“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability”

“Sun Drop is a poor man’s Mountain Dew”

“Ribena is a poor man’s Vimto”

“Mr. Pibb is a poor man’s Dr Pepper”

“Pibb Xtra is a poor man’s Dr Pepper”

“Mr. Pibb = the poor man’s Dr Pepper. I mean he isn’t even a doctor”

“Vimto is a poor man’s Ribena”

“Tonic water implies the existence of mediant water and dominant water”

“Sierra Mist is a poor man’s Sprite”

“Mello Yello is a poor man’s Mountain Dew”

“Tonic water implies the existence of dominant water”

“Teem was like a poor man’s Sprite or 7 Up”

“Sprite is a poor man’s 7 Up”

“7 Up is a poor man’s Sprite”

“7 Up—the poor man’s Sprite and the rich man’s Sierra Mist”

“Starry is a poor man’s Sprite”

“Mirinda is a poor man’s Fanta”

“I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward”

“I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don’t think they’re ugly or something”

“Spring being a tough act to follow, God created June”

“Summertime is always the best of what might be”

“Somewhere between living and dreaming, there’s New York”

“Somewhere between living and dreaming, there’s New York City”

“Me: How do I unsubscribe so I don’t get your emails any more? Boss: What?”

“Crouton. ???????? ???????? Croutoff. ???????? ???????? Crouton. Croutoff. The Salad”

“I can’t coffee this early without function”

Croutoff (crouton + off)

“Croutons imply the existence of croutoffs”

“French Mr. Miyagi: Croûton, Croûtoff”

“If you remove croutons from your salad, are they then called croutoffs?”

“Adulting be like: Paycheck: $624.42 Bills: $597.63”

“Lilt is a poor man’s Ting”

“Fanta is a poor man’s Orangina”

“Fanta is a poor man’s Orange Crush”

“Orange Crush is a poor man’s Sunkist”

“Fanta is a poor man’s Sunkist”

“Faygo is a poor man’s Fanta”

“Tango is a poor man’s Fanta”

“Lilt is a poor man’s Orangina”

“Sunkist is a poor man’s Orange Crush”

“Sunkist is a poor man’s Fanta”

“Me: This meeting could’ve been an email. Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.”

“Science, because figuring things out is better than making stuff up”

“Science, because figuring things out is always better than making shit up”

“Envy plus rhetoric equals ‘social justice’” (“Envy + Rhetoric = Social Justice”)

“The chocolate filing in Ferrero Rocher is Nutella”

“Smarties are a poor man’s M&M’s”

“Sixlets are a poor man’s M&M’s”

“Whoppers are a poor man’s Maltesers”

“Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?”/“It wanted to become a watermelon.”

“Why did the rockmelon jump into the river?”/“He wanted to become a watermelon.”

“Why did the melon jump into the water?”/“Because it wanted to become a watermelon.”

“Plain M&M’s are a poor man’s Smarties”

“M&M’s are a poor man’s Smarties”

“Milk Duds are a poor man’s Rolos”

“Krackel is a poor man’s Nestlé Crunch”

“Now and Later is a poor man’s Starburst”

“Milk Duds are a poor man’s Maltesers”

“Maltesers are a poor man’s Minstrels”

“Ferrero Rocher is literally just deconstructed Nutella”

“Maltesers are a poor man’s Revels”

“Milk Duds are a poor man’s Whoppers”

“Milk Duds are a poor man’s Riesen”

“Galaxy Counters are a poor man’s Minstrels”

“Ferrero Rocher is just expensive Nutella”

“Ferrero Rocher is just fancy Nutella”

“Ferrero Rocher is Italian for Nutella balls”

“Ferrero Rocher is just a crunchy Nutella”

“Nutella is just melted Ferrero Rocher”

“Nutella is just liquid Ferrero Rocher”

“Ferrero Rocher is Nutella for adults”

“Dominant chords imply the existence of submissive chords”

“The opposite of a dominant chord is a submissive chord”