“This house runs on coffee, wine and Amazon Prime”

“Did you hear about the wig shop that got robbed? They’re looking into replacing all the locks”

“When those side effects kick in, come on back and we’ll sell you something for those as well”

“Obedience is what gives tyrants their power”

“This home runs on coffee, wine & Amazon Prime”

“Coffee, Wine & Amazon Prime”

“This mama runs on coffee, wine & Amazon Prime”

“This mom runs on coffee, wine & Amazon Prime”

“I run on coffee, wine & Amazon Prime”

“Runnin’ on coffee, wine & Amazon Prime”

“This home runs on love, laughter and lots of strong coffee

“This house runs on coffee, wine and Amazon Prime”

“This home runs on coffee, wine & Amazon Prime”

“My résumé is just a list of things I never want to do again”

“My résumé is just a list of things I really never want to do again”

“My résumé is basically a list of things I hate to do”

“My résumé is just a list of jobs I never want to do again”

“Restaurants place drinks on the last page of the menu, but drinks are ordered first”

“Salad dressing is just leaf sauce”

“Salad dressing is just lettuce sauce”

“Why did the teacher jump in the lake?”/“She wanted to test the waters.”

“Why did the teacher go to the beach?”/“To test the water.”

“Why did the teacher jump in the pool?”/“She wanted to test the water.”

“Amazon trucks should play a jingle so we know they’re coming”

“Amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming”

“Amazon trucks should play a song just like the ice cream trucks do”

“Isn’t the smell of coffee the best alarm clock?”

“The smell of coffee is the best alarm clock”

“The smell of coffee in the morning is the best alarm clock”

“The road to hell is paved with Ivy League degrees”

“There’s a certain irony to getting married on Independence Day”

“You ever pay bills SO MUCH that when you have money left over you be like… WTF I forget to pay?”

“Never forget that you have every right to question any individual, system, movement, or group…”

“Celebrate your freedom this 4th of July by stopping by a government checkpoint”

“Enjoy your holiday provided to you by armed Americans”

“This holiday was made possible by citizens with guns”

“July is a blind date with summer”

“July is like the Saturday of summer”

“June is like the Friday of summer”

“May is like the Thursday of summer”

“May is like the Friday night of summer”

“September is like the Monday of summer”

“September is the bank holiday Monday of summer”

“Summer is here. It’s a hundred and fuck you outside” (very hot)

“It’s a hundred and fuck you degrees outside” (very hot)

“It’s a hundred and fuck that degrees outside” (very hot)

“It’s a hundred and fuck this shit degrees outside” (very hot)

“It’s a hundred and fuck this degrees outside” (very hot)

“It’s a hundred and fuck dat degrees outside” (very hot)

“It’s a hundred and fuck degrees outside” (very hot)

“You’re celebrating today because regular citizens had military grade weapons”

“The USA became the land of the free because regular citizens had military-grade weapons”

“Salad is just lettuce nachos”

“Salads are just lettuce nachos”

“Taco salad is just nachos with lettuce”

“Taco salad is just lettuce nachos”

“A hot dog is just an American taco”

“A taco is just a Mexican hot dog”

“Chopped cheese is just a deconstructed cheeseburger”

“Tacos are just deconstructed cheeseburgers”

“Roses are red. Freethinkers are few. If you keep obeying orders you’ll have a chip inserted in you”

“Chicken and dumplings are just a deconstructed chicken pot pie”

“Chicken and dumplings is just deconstructed chicken pot pie”

“Trail mix is just a deconstructed granola bar”

“A salad is just a deconstructed sandwich”

“There’s nothing a cup of coffee can’t fix. If not, make it two”

“I need my coffee because sometimes this mouth wakes up before my brain does”

“She’s not that ugly.—Jack Daniels”

“She’s some kind of ugly that even Jack Daniels can’t fix”

“Remember to drink lots of water and stay indoors between 11:00 a.m. and November 1st”

“Remember to drink lots of water and stay indoors between 11:00 a.m. and November 2nd”

“You can love your country without having to love your government”

Billionaire Capital of the World

Sharkcuterie (shark + charcuterie)

Sharkuterie (shark + charcuterie)

“If a surfer gets eaten by a shark, is what they were surfing on a sharkcuterie board?”

“Not all of us were made to cook. Some of us were made to have conversations with a person cooking”

“If your coffeeshop has one of those passive aggressive ‘no wifi pretend it’s the old days’ signs..”

“What did the shark bring to the party?”/“A sharkuterie board.”

“What do sharks serve their guests at parties?”/“A sharkcuterie.”

“Wednesdays will always bring smiles for the second half of the week”

“Eat ice cream for daily happiness”

“List of things I’m currently handling well: ”

“List of things I’m currently handling well: 1. ”

“List of things I’m currently handling well: 1. Coffee”

“List of things I’m currently handling well: 1. Coffee”

“List of things I’m handling well currently: 1. ”

“Come on, admit it… you’ve had tongue sex with a Twinkie at least once”

“Learn how to: Have fun without alcohol. Talk without cellphones. Love without conditions…”

“You can’t spell sausage without U.S.A.”

“Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9”

“You can’t spell sausage without usage”

“One day someone will love you, and you will stop sharing memes”

“One day someone will love me and I will stop sharing memes. Y’all will miss me”

Fakeaway (fake + takeaway)

“One day someone is gonna love me and I will stop sharing memes”

“One day someone will love me and I will stop sharing memes and you all will miss me”

“Learn how to: Have fun without alcohol. Talk without cellphones. Dream without drugs…”

“You aren’t meant to be understood by everyone. You’re meant to blow some minds and break belief…”

“Trying to understand the behaviour of some people is like trying to smell the colour 9”