“Be a yogacorn, not a twatopotamus”

“Money can’t buy you happiness, but poverty can buy you misery”

“Money can’t buy you happiness, but poverty will buy you nothing”

“My account was hacked. If you received an inappropriate message it was still me”

“Why was the doorway so embarrassed?”/“It saw the weather stripping.”

“Money can’t buy happiness, but poverty can’t buy anything”

“Money doesn’t buy happiness, but neither does poverty”

“Money can’t buy happiness, but neither can poverty”

“Money can’t buy you happiness, but poverty can’t buy you anything”

Covidification

“I have the patience of a Saint. Saint Cunty McFuckoff”

“Don’t tell anyone ‘I hate you’ directly. Say ‘You are the Monday of my life’”

“I don’t hate you, but you are the Monday of my life”

“How to say I hate you in a nice way? ‘You are the Monday of my life’”

“You are the Monday of my life”

“To people who put antlers and a nose on their car for Christmas: You can’t trick me. That’s a car!”

“It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas”

“I identify as a conspiracy theorist, my pronouns are They/Lied”

“What’s worse than a chip breaking off in the dip? The second chip, on a rescue mission, ...”

“I identify as a conspiracy theorist, my pronouns are Told/You/So”

“I have furniture that goes back to Louis the 14th. That is, unless I can pay him by the 13th”

“The funny thing is, when you don’t let people disrespect you, they start calling you difficult”

“Journalism is about covering important stories. With a pillow, until they stop moving”

“Do they have restaurants in Japan where American people cook in front of you with lawn chairs?”

“Why do we call them olives and not Greece’s Pieces?”

“I have never seen an ALCOHOL company using a drunk person for any advertising”

“None of your problems are because someone else is a billionaire”

“Propaganda isn’t just about creating fake news. It’s also about hiding real news”

“I just had the best sex ever! No wait. Oreos. I had Oreos”

“I just had the best sex ever! No wait. Coffee. I had coffee”

Wandelprobe (walking rehearsal)

Ten O’Clock Number (10 O’Clock Number)

Uniparty

Sitzprobe (sitting rehearsal)

Chorus Line

Chorine Court (West 47th Street, between Broadway and Sixth Avenue)

Eleven O’Clock Number (11 O’Clock Number)

Chorine

Chorine Court (West 47th Street, between Broadway and Sixth Avenue)

Chorus Girl

George Spelvin (pseudonym)

Georgette Spelvin (pseudonym)

Georgina Spelvin (pseudonym)

“I’m not strange. I’m dramatically different”

“We are not strange. We are dramatically different”

“We’re not strange. We’re dramatically different”

“Those who graduate with a theater degree and can’t find work suffer post dramatic stress disorder”

“It’s not multiple personality disorder, it’s a theatre degree!”

“Guy about to invent soy sauce: ‘Sure wish I could drink salt’”

“Don’t make me use my director voice”

Eleven O’Clock Song (11 O’Clock Song)

“Exit, stage left”

“Chew the scenery” (to overact)

“She passed on the scalloped potatoes because, ‘I don’t really like seafood’”

“How long will the next bus be?”/“Same length as this one.”

“You can be a night owl AND an early bird if your sleep schedule’s fucked enough”

“You can be a night owl AND an early bird if your sleep schedule’s messed up enough”

“I wish I was as thin as my patience”

“Never read the last line of a play at a rehearsal” (theatre superstition)

Graveyard Bouquet

“Scalloped potatoes don’t contain any seafood. This is clearly false advertising”

“The first rule of mud wrestling is fight dirty”

“Like many people, I sing in the car, but only when I put it in reverse. I’m a back up singer”

“Every time a hand reaches out to help another…that is Christmas”

“Dear Santa, I was naughty and it was worth it. You fat judgmental bastard”

“We don’t have freedom of speech to talk about the weather”

“We don’t have the first amendment to talk about the weather”

“Government is the mafia pretending to be a human rights organization”

“Camera catches looters stealing trillions” (Congress joke)

“The state is the mafia pretending to be a human rights organization”

“You throw away the outside and keep the inside, then you eat the outside and throw away the inside”

Used Coffee Department (restroom or toilet)

“What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?”/“A meltdown.”

“Biscuits and gravy are just wet flour over dry flour”

“Used Beer Department—Two Shake Maximum” (restroom sign, especially in a bar)

“When measuring the circumference of a pie, using one pie is not enough. But 2?r”

Used Beer Department (restroom, especially in a bar)

“Spiders are the only web developers that are happy to find bugs”

“I’ve never been camping, but once my phone died and I looked up and saw a tree”

Showgirl (Show Girl)

“Spiders are the only web developers that enjoy finding bugs”

“Coffee vs. Oxygen. One is needed to survive. The other is oxygen”

“Coffee is not an option. It’s an attitude”

“Due to inflation, Dollar Tree is changing its name to Dollar Tree-Fiddy”

“Due to inflation, Dollar Tree will be changing its name to Tree Dollar”

“If a dreidel is on the news, wouldn’t it be a top story?”

“Schoolhouse Rock never prepared us for this shit”

“Schoolhouse Rock didn’t prepare us for this”

“Weekend Forecast: Mostly drunk with a chance of horny”

“I love the smell of don’t fuck with me in the morning”

“What’s the difference between Hanukkah and a dragon?” (riddle)

“Airports are like post offices for people”

“Airports are like post offices for humans”

“People peel the stickers off of bananas despite the peel not being eaten”

“In retrospect, it was a mistake not being a billionaire before heading into this pandemic”

“Peel the sticker off a banana and put it on your forehead”

“Act before you think” (acting adage)

“If you peel the sticker off a banana & put it on your shirt you get to be the Mayor of Bananatown”

“An ounce of behavior is worth a pound of words” (acting adage)

“Acting is behaving truthfully under imaginary circumstances”