“Bottomless brunch refers to unlimited drinks. Please wear pants”

“I have never been hurt by anything I didn’t say”

“Listen in such a way that others love to speak to you”

“I have never been hurt by what I have not said”

“Bottomless brunch is actually just brunch in your own home without pants on”

“What scares me most is not the fact that our media is lying to us…”

“Speak in such a way that people listen to you. Listen in such a way that people speak to you”

“What scares me most is not the fact that the media is lying to us…”

“Boss: Why are you late?”/“Me: I got drunk last night and set my calculator to $5.30.”

“Twick or tweet” (“trick or treat” variation)

“Twick or tweat” (“trick or treat” variation)

“Trick or tweet” (“trick or treat” variation)

“help me, i am trapped/ in a haiku factory/ save me, before they”

“Follow your heart, but take coffee with you”

“Follow your heart, but take a coffee with you”

“On Sunday mornings, I like to wake up slow and sit on the couch having coffee for 37 hours”

“Libertarianism: The radical notion that other people are not your property”

“Health is not injected”

“On Saturday mornings, I like to wake up slow and sit on the couch having coffee for 37 hours”

“Anarchism: The radical notion that other people are not your property”

“Anarchism is the radical notion that other people are not your property”

“Anarchy is the radical notion that other people are not your property”

“Dog is man’s best friend until you need a ride to the airport”

“A dog may be man’s best friend, but he won’t pick you up at the airport”

“Please help me I’m trapped. In a Haiku factory. Save me before they”

“Watermelons are 92% water which means they’re only 8% melon”

“What do you call 6.02 * 10^23 butts?”/“Molasses.”

“Anarchism is the revolutionary idea that you are not state property”

“A dog may be your best friend, but they won’t pick you up at the airport”

“What do birds give out on Halloween?”/“Tweets.”

“Why did the bird chirp at the trick-or-treaters?”/“Because he thought they wanted tweets!”

“What do birds say on Halloween?”/“Twick or tweet.”

“What do birds say on Halloween?”/“Trick or tweet.”

“September is my favorite time of year to finally turn the central air off and turn the heat on…”

“Fall is my favorite time of year to finally turn the central air off at night,  then…”

“What do birds give to trick-or-treaters?”/“Tweets.”

“October is my favorite time of year to finally turn the central air off and turn the heat on…”

“He who reads the newspaper knows what’s going on in the world. He who reads the Bible knows why”

“The one who reads a newspaper knows what is happening in the world. One who reads the Bible…”

“Survival Tip: If lost in the woods, build a shelter. The tax collector will be there shortly”

“Tricks or treats, money or eats!” (Halloween shout)

“If I heard the Mario coin sound whenever I completed a task, maybe I’d accomplish more”

“Don’t park too close. I’m fat” (bumper sticker)

“Nope. Not feelin’ this whole Monday thing”

“Monday! I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee!”

“Please don’t park too close. I’m fat” (bumper sticker)

“Fall has always been my favorite season. The time when everything bursts with its last beauty”

“Why don’t skeletons like Halloween candy?”/“They don’t have the stomach for it.”

“Not feelin’ this whole Monday thing”

“Surround yourself with people who feed your soul, not eat it”

“I like my coffee how I like my friends. Strong and slightly bitter”

“On Thanksgiving we don’t eat breakfast. We starve until the food is ready”

“Be around people who feed your soul, not eat it”

“I’m 1776% sure you’re not taking my AR-15”

“Be around those who feed your soul, not eat it”

“I am 1776% sure that no one is taking my gun”

“I am 1776% sure no one is taking my guns”

“I am 1776% sure no one will be taking my guns”

“Go vote! If dead people can do it, so can you!”

“When it’s night, look for the stars. When it’s morning, look for the coffee”

“What kind of shoes do artists wear?”/“Skechers.”

“Cheers to Sunday! May your coffee be strong, your pajamas be comfy and your naps be uninterrupted”

“Soul! soul! for an apple or two. If you’ve got no apples, pears will do”

“The best day…two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine”

“What kind of shoes do artists wear?”/“Sketchers.”

“This kale salad tastes like I’d rather be fat”

“The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons”

“Researchers discover that bombing people causes them to hate you”

“If you thought you hated homework as a child, trust me, you’ll hate it more as a parent”

“Well, I’m a millennial, so my retirement plan is societal collapse”

“Kale tastes like I’d rather be fat”

“My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect”

“My English teacher always told me that spelling doesn’t matter because we’ll have autocorrect”

“If you can’t handle me when I’m broke, then you don’t deserve me when I have $600”

“My retirement plan is societal collapse”

“Eternally grapefruit” (joke on “eternally grateful”)

“If you can’t handle me when I’m broke, then you don’t deserve me when I have 60 bucks”

“What is a vampire’s favorite candy?”/“A sucker.”

“I’m a millennial, so my retirement plan is societal collapse”

“Shell out, shell out, or we’ll turn your windows inside out!” (Halloween shout)

“Porsches are just spicy Volkswagens”

“Cheers to the weekend. May your coffee be strong, your pajamas comfy and your naps uninterrupted!”

“Shell out, shell out, the witches are out!” (Halloween shout)

“Sparkling water tastes like when your foot falls asleep”

“Sparkling water tastes like when your leg falls asleep”

“Sparkling water tastes like when your legs fall asleep”

“AK—means the gun was manufactured in Alaska” (joke)

“AR—means the gun was manufactured in Arkansas” (joke)

“Money is a bit tight, so I’m not buying any apples this Halloween. That should save me a bob”

“Sh*t posting will continue until government improves”

“It’s not gay if it’s TSA”

“Shit posting will continue until government improves”

“Well at least I can pretend that the dark circles around my eyes are for Halloween”

“Instead of ‘unvaccinated,’ call yourself organic. Being natural is normal”

“It says here in this history book that, luckily, the good guys have won every single time”

“Forgive me Father, Pastor, Vicar, Padre, Priest… for I have Synonymed”

“Welcome to college. Where every single person is smarter than you except for the 3 people…”

“There are two types of people in this world. Avoid both”

“I wonder what historians look forward to”

“You don’t truly understand how ugly the world is until you’re trying to protect your children”