“Capitalism: Funding all other -isms since 4000 BC”

“Socialism works so well that people build boats from trash to escape it”

“Cabinet installer arrested! Charged with counter fitting”

“Well, That Didn’t Work: An Abbreviated History of Communism” (book title)

“Well, That Didn’t Work: A Brief History of Socialism and Communism” (book title)

“If I had a dollar for every time socialism worked, I would have $0…”

“A fraudster who installs kitchen worktops got arrested. He was charged with counter fitting”

“All I want is a two-income household and to live alone”

“Capitalism: Funding all other -isms since 1776”

“What do you call a guy pouring water into a glass?”/“Phil.”

“I do all my own stunts, but not intentionally”

“I do all my own stunts, just not intentionally”

“I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally”

“I better get a good grade on my son’s science fair project”

“I sure hope I get an ‘A’ on my daughter’s science fair project”

“No senior citizen discounts. You have had twice as long to get the money” (sign)

“I’VE HAD IT WITH CAPITALISM. i think i’ll give lowercaseism a try”

“Plants really be like ‘I do not vibe wit dis dirt’ and die”

“If you want to impress me with your truck, it better be a taco truck”

“If you want to impress me with your car, it better be a taco truck”

“DANGER: Not To Be Operated By Morons” (safety sign)

“Capitalism implies the existence of lowercaseism”

“If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle, it better be a food truck”

“THIS IS CAPITALISM. this is lowercaseism”

“If you’re in need of a job, you could try Search and Rescue. They’re always looking for people”

“The opposite of capitalism is lowercaseism”

“It’s that weird time of day when I don’t know if I need water, coffee, a cookie or…”

“DANGER: Not To Be Operated By Fuckwits” (safety sign)

“DANGER: Not To Be Operated By Idiots” (safety sign)

“10:00am - anything is possible. 2:00pm - but not today”

“I don’t know the secret of happiness, but I’ve never been sad at a Tex-Mex restaurant”

“DANGER: Not To Be Operated By Fucktards” (safety sign)

“11:00am - anything is possible. 2:00pm - but not today”

“You sound vaccinated”

“I don’t know the secret to happiness, but I’ve never been sad at a Mexican restaurant”

“A haunted house, but for dads and all the lights are on. All of them”

“I don’t always have to retype my password, but when I do, I stab each letter into the keyboard”

“A haunted house for dads, but it’s during a sunny day and all the lights are on inside”

“If you want to impress me with your car, it better be a food truck”

“I don’t know the secret to happiness, but I’ve never been sad while eating tacos”

“If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle, it better be a taco truck”

“The reason why I use Android is because Adam and Eve had an Apple… and fucked everything up”

“I don’t know the secret of happiness, but I’ve never been sad at an Italian restaurant”

“Stop saying you did your research before you got the injection. You are the research”

“When I get younger, I’m going to be a time traveller”

“I don’t necessarily know the secret to happiness, but I do know Jesus and Mexican food…”

“The reason why I use Android is because Adam and Eve had an Apple… and messed everything up”

“Half the day, I wonder if it’s too late for coffee. The other half, I wonder if it’s too early…”

“Cracked windows are a pane in the glass”

“Windows are a pane in the glass”

“Installing windows is a pane in the glass”

“Today I was drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is”

“Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass”

“Cleaning windows is a pane in the glass”

“I be drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is”

“Drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is”

“Windows is a pane in the glass”

“Washing windows is a pane in the glass”

“Coworker: Why do you call everyone ‘fucker’? Me: It’s gender neutral.”

“Groom dogs, not kids”

“I’ve struggled with timekeeping since I don’t know when”

“Confucius say: Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time”

“Confucius say: Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have crappy time”

Erb City (New Orleans nickname)

“I need a hug, or a good cry. Or both, maybe a bottle of wine”

“I need a hug, or a good cry. Or both, maybe a bottle of vodka”

“I need a hug, or a good cry. Or both, maybe a bottle of beer”

“Plants really be like ‘I’m not feeling dis dirt’ and die”

“Plants rlly b like ‘I do not vibe with this dirt’ and die”

“Cheese is just milk jerky”

“I’m not saying that my wife orders a lot from Amazon, I’m just saying…”

“Kale is so versatile”

“Your mama is the reason this town is called The Big Easy” (“yo mama” joke)

“Don’t want the neighbors thinking I’m rich… so I turned a few lights off”

“The five-second rule doesn’t apply to M&M’s because they have an exoskeleton”

“Kale is so versatile. You can add it to pretty much any dish if you’re looking to ruin it”

“Kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can”

“Kale is so versatile… it literally fits into any size trash can”

“Twix have an endoskeleton and M&M’s have an exoskeleton”

“Speak in such a way that others love to listen to you”

“Enjoy life sip by sip, not gulp by gulp”

“Pay the farmer now or pay pharma later”

“Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?”/“Because you can see right through them.”

“Shredded cheese is just milk jerky”

“Why are ghosts terrible liars?”/“Because you can see right through them.”

“Why are ghosts bad liars?”/“Because you can see right through them.”

“String cheese is just milk jerky”

“Cheese sticks are just milk jerky”

“Parmesan cheese is just milk jerky”

“Unions… because the chance of 3 ghosts visiting your boss to make him do the right thing is slim”

“What do you call someone who wants more soup?”/“A moresoupial.”

“What do you call a kangaroo that always asks for more soup?”/“A moresoupial!”

“What do you call an opossum who goes back for seconds in the soup line?”/“A more-soup-ial.”

“I’m late for work because I got drunk last night and set my calculator for $5.30”

Moresoupial (“more soup” pun on “marsupial”)

“What do you call a kangaroo who’s starred in Oliver Twist?”/“A more-soup-ial.”

“Join a union, because its very unlikely three ghosts will appear and scare your boss”

“Unions, because it’s VERY unlikely three spirits will appear and scare your boss”

“Who needs a wife anyway? How difficult can it be to boil a toast?”

“I keep pre cooked bacon in my fridge that I call ‘Hurricane Bacon’...”