“Sometimes I tweet shit just to see whose head explodes”

“Sometimes I post shit just to see whose head explodes”

“Leaves are falling. Pumpkins are calling”

“Leaves are falling. Pumpkin is calling”

“Leaves are falling. Pumpkin spice lattes are calling”

“The leaves are falling. My coffee is calling”

“The leaves are falling and the coffee is calling”

“Leaves are falling and pumpkin spice is calling”

“Leaves are falling. Coffee is calling”

“Binary stars imply the existence of non-binary stars”

“Chess was the first game to have gender-fluid pieces. Pawns can become queens or knights”

“As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I’m sure of…. it will be misspelled”

“The plans for a paperless office looked really good…on paper”

“This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch”

“Their plan for a paperless office looked good, on paper”

“Why do they call it Scotch tape if it doesn’t taste like Scotch?”

“What do you call a soup made with weed?”/“Cannabisque.”

“Cooking shows and vlogs never show the part where they have to clean up all the pots and pans”

Democrat Night Live (Saturday Night Live or SNL nickname)

“Scotch tape doesn’t even taste like scotch”

“Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink…”

“What I do when I drink is none of my business”

“God Bless New York City, My Big Apple Pie” (song by Y’all, 1995)

The Big Apple (novel by Pat Booth, 1984)

“What I do drunk is none of my business”

“Why does it take 5-7 business days to refund my money when it took 5-7 second to take it”

“What is a stoner’s favorite soup?”/“Cannabisque.”

“What I do when I’m drunk is none of my business”

“God Bless New York City, My Big Apple Pie” (song by Y’all, 1995)

Cannabisque (cannabis + bisque)

Following Biden’s Instructions (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

“Warning: May bite before caffeine”

“Caution: May bite before caffeine”

“Who did the government buy the earth from? So why do we pay the government to live here?”

“Who did the government buy the earth from? Then why do we pay the government to live here?”

“I hope my government will let me go outside today”

“My boss touched me inappropriately at work today. But it’s okay, I’m self-employed”

“When they start threatening people who want to investigate election fraud…”

“A rock in bad hands killed Abel. A rock in good hands killed Goliath. It’s not about the rock”

1904 Sandwich

“I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’m going to use it”

“I got food poisoning today I don’t know when I’ll use it”

“Who earns a living driving their customers away?”/“A taxi driver.”

Big Six (Albany, Buffalo, New York, Rochester, Syracuse, Yonkers)

“The only thing vegans kill is a conversation”

Albany, Buffalo, Rochester, Syracuse, Utica, Yonkers: Big Six (nickname)

Albany, Buffalo, New York, Rochester, Syracuse, Yonkers: Big Six (nickname)

“The only thing a vegan can kill is a conversation”

“The only thing a vegan kills is a conversation”

“What’s the only thing a vegan kills?”/“A conversation.”

“Not to brag or anything, but I’m pretty good at making coffee”

“It’s not gay if it’s the TSA”

“Welcome to college, where everyone is smarter than you except the three people in your group”

“Not to brag, but I’m really good at beer”

“On Thanksgiving country folks don’t eat breakfast. We starve until the food is ready”

“This winter, keep warm by burning all the previous advice we gave you that turned out to be BS”

“Happy Thursday! Sorry, but I’m saving my ‘Woohoo!’ for Friday”

“On Thanksgiving Hispanics don’t eat breakfast. We starve until da food ready”

“On Thanksgiving black ppl don’t eat breakfast. We starve until da food ready”

“Happy Thursday! Sorry, but I’m saving my ‘Woo Hoo!’ for Friday”

“Black people don’t eat breakfast on Thanksgiving. We starve until 4 o’clock”

“The difference between coffee and your opinion is that coffee doesn’t make me want to punch you”

“Black people don’t eat breakfast on Thanksgiving. We starve until the food is ready”

“The term ‘street tacos’ infers the existence of ‘sidewalk tacos’”

“A highway to hell implies the existence of public transportation to heaven”

“The term ‘street tacos’ implies the existence of off-road tacos”

“Street tacos imply the existence of ballroom tacos”

“Street tacos implies the existence of boulevard burritos”

“The term ‘street tacos’ implies the existence of park, vert, slalom, and downhill tacos”

“2-step verification implies the existence of cha cha verification”

“Bleecker Street is not located midway between Bleeck Street and Bleeckest Street”

“The only bottomless brunch I’ve had is when my kids refuse to wear pants at the breakfast table”

“I can always remove my tin foil hat. Can you remove your spike proteins?”

“The female equivalent of the man cave is the kitchen”

“Had a dream I was at work. Woke up and called off… I ain’t working twice!”

“Conspiracy theorists, otherwise known as people capable of pattern recognition”

“My wife asked me what the female version of the ‘man cave’ was. I told her the kitchen”

“I don’t care what day it is. It’s early… I’m grumpy… I want coffee”

“My bills ain’t even bills no more. They grown. I call them Williams”

“Conspiracy theorists are just people capable of pattern recognition”

“Great minds think alike. Unfortunately, so do stupid minds”

“I love how coffee tricks me into thinking I’m in a good mood for approximately 34 minutes”

“Great minds think alike. Unfortunately, so do stupid ones”

“I love how coffee tricks me into thinking I’m in a good mood for about 30 minutes”

“Give him someone else’s fish and he’ll vote for you”

“I love how coffee tricks me into thinking I’m in a good mood for about 27 minutes”

“I can remove my tin-foil hat. Can you remove your spike proteins?”

“Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion..”

“I love how coffee tricks you into thinking that you’re in a good mood for like 32 minutes”

“If you forget the rules of chess, don’t worry… you’re allowed to check”

“We don’t eat breakfast on Thanksgiving. We starve until the food is ready”

“Hello, Monday, you bastard”

“We are not conspiracy theorists. You are just a blind fool”

“Restaurants omit pants in ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ because they serve bottomless brunch”

“Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people that you never met”

“Monday. You. Bastard.”

“It’s not that I can’t speak until I’ve had my coffee. It’s just that my words are buffering…”

“Be the reason why someone gets mad over a meme”

“Nationalism teaches you to take pride in shit you haven’t done and to hate people you’ve never met”

“Be the reason why someone gets mad over a fucking meme”