“I drive like lightning. I hit trees”
A driving joke was posted on Twitter by FunnyOneLiners on April 6, 2010: "I drive like lightening." (sic)"You drive fast?" "No. I hit trees." Twitter…
“I drive safer when there’s food in my passenger seat than when there’s a person sitting there”
"I drive safer when there's food in my passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "RT @MrDonaldGlover I…
“I drive safer with really good food in the passenger seat than with a close friend”
"I drive safer when there's food in my passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "RT @MrDonaldGlover I…
“I drive so badly that when I’m driving, the GPS doesn’t speak, it prays”
"I drive so badly that when I'm driving, the GPS doesn't speak, it prays" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. "I drive so badly that when I'm…
“I dropped my phone from the fourth floor, but it was on airplane mode so it landed safely”
"Airplane mode" for a phone or a computer (or similar electronic device) suspends radio-frequency signal transmission by the device, and was originally intended for safe air travel.…
“I duck my head down while pulling into a parking garage to make sure my car fits”
"I tend to duck my head a little when I pull into the airport-parking garage so I don't hit my head" was printed in the book Women Fly (2001) by Martha Dreskin. "Today, I…
“I filled up my tank with petrol this morning. Now, all my goldfish are dead”
"I filled up my tank with petrol this morning. Now, all my goldfish are dead" was posted on Twitter by Tina Blake on January 20, 2012. "I filled up my tank with petrol this…
“I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus” (joke)
A joke about giving up a seat on the bus was posted to Reddit on October 8, 2016: "I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. That's how I lost my job as a bus driver." The joke…
“I get nostalgic when reversing my car. It always takes me back”
"I get nostalgic when reversing my car. It always takes me back" is a car joke that was posted on Reddit -- Dad Jokes on June 18, 2018. The joke was also posted on Reddit -- Oneliners and…
“I got myself a seniors’ GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination…”
"I got myself a seniors' GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several…
“I had a dream I was driving a Ferrari last night. I was fast, asleep”
This pun was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on April 28, 2022: "I had a dream I was driving a Ferrari last night... I was fast, asleep." A Ferrari is an Italian luxury sports car that can go…
“I had a pleasure trip—took my mother-in-law to the airport”
A popular mother-in-law joke was told in "The Lockhorns" comic strip in 1972: "JUST RETURNED FROM A PLEASURE TRIP -- DRIVING MY MOTHER-IN-LAW TO THE AIRPORT." The joke is…
“I had to fly across the country for my vaccine, and, wow, are my arms sore”
“I just flew in and boy, are my arms tired!” is a very old joke (1940s). The arms are tired from flapping so much (like a bird's wings). A variation of the joke was posted on Reddit--…
“I have a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you think I’m sexy’...” (joke)
"Honk if you think I'm sexy" bumper stickers have been cited in print since at least 1997. "I have a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you think I'm sexy.' Then…
“I have kids. Park too close and I’ll ding your shit” (car sign)
"I have kids. Park too close and I'll ding your shit" is a car sign that has been printed on many images. "Ding your shit" means "door ding your car." "I…
“I have kids. Park too close and they will ding your shit” (car sign)
"I have kids. Park too close and I'll ding your shit" is a car sign that has been printed on many images. "Ding your shit" means "door ding your car." "I…
“I hired a Russian Uber driver the other day. His name was Pikup Andropov”
The radio talk show Car Talk used many funny fictional names. "Ok, another Car Talk fan. The Russian chauffeur is Pickup Andropov" was posted on the newsgroup rec.arts.bonsai on January…
“I just crashed my Kia. Now I have Nokia”
Kia (a car) shouldn't be confused with Nokia (a phone), but there are jokes. "I drove my Kia into a river. Now i have Nokia" was posted on Twitter by Nick Bongston on August 27,…
“I just flew in and boy, are my arms tired!”
"I just flew in from (Chicago, Los Angeles, New York) and boy, are my arms tired!" is a classic joke told by American comedians. That is, the arms had been flapping like a bird's…
“I just got a full tank of gas for $22. Granted it was for my lawn mower…”
$22 used to fill up a car's gas tank, but not with high gas prices. "I just got a full tank of gas for $22. Granted it was for my lawn mower but I am trying to stay positive" was…