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March 17, 2022
Food/Drink

“I grew up all my life believing I was Irish. But thanks to Ancestry, I now know I’m just a drunk”

AncestryDNA tests for ethnicity. A popular St. Patrick's Day joke is about a test for Irish roots. "I grew up all my life believing I was Irish. But thanks to http://ancestry.Com I now…

August 15, 2014
Banking/Finance/Insurance

“I grew up surrounded by poverty—my maid was poor, my butler was poor ...” (joke)

An old joke describes a rich person who claims to have grown up surrounded by poverty -- the maid was poor, the butler was poor, the chauffeur was poor and the gardener was poor. The joke dates to…

January 12, 2017
Food/Drink

“I grilled a chicken for two hours yesterday…” (joke)

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"To get to the other side" is a classic riddle from the 19th century. A popular joke variation is: "I grilled a chicken for two hours…

December 13, 2024
Food/Drink

“I guess it’s only a matter of thyme until bay leaves. It was parsley my fault”

"My girlfriend said she'd break up with me if I kept making puns about our seasonings and spices. I guess it's only a matter of thyme until bay leaves" was posted on Reddit --…

April 3, 2023
Exercise/Running/Health Clubs

“I guess that people who run marathons for fun haven’t heard about sex and booze”

"I guess that people who run marathons for fun haven’t heard about sex and booze" and "I bet people who run marathons for fun haven't heard about sex and alcohol" are…

August 12, 2006
Music/Dance/Theatre/Film/Circus

“I Guess the Lord Must Be in New York City” (1969)

Harry Nilsson wrote "I Guess the Lord Must Be in New York City" for the movie Midnight Cowboy (1969), but the director used Nilsson's "Everybody's Talkin'"…

August 1, 2017
Food/Drink

“I had a continental breakfast. Unfortunately, the continent was Africa”

Many hotels serve continental breakfasts. One joke is that some serve African continent breakfasts -- that is, not much food. "I'd forgotten how broadly interpreted Continental Breakfast…

August 13, 2019
Food/Drink

“I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram! I was like, 0mg!”

"OMG" (Oh My God) shouldn't be confused with "0mg" (no milligrams), but there are jokes. "I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was,…

June 22, 2022
Transportation

“I had a dream I was driving a Ferrari last night. I was fast, asleep”

This pun was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on April 28, 2022: "I had a dream I was driving a Ferrari last night... I was fast, asleep." A Ferrari is an Italian luxury sports car that can go…

December 27, 2017
Food/Drink

“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper—dicing with death”

English writer and comedian Tim Vine has a frequently told one-line joke about dicing carrots: "I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper -- dicing with…

February 22, 2021
Work/Businesses

“I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars. It was an auto body experience”

"Auto body experience" is a pun on "out-of-body-experience," and there are many jokes. "Did you hear about the clairvoyant who repaired his fender bender? He had an auto…

July 12, 2020
Food/Drink

“I had a dream that I was drowning in orange soda. Turned out it was just a Fanta sea”

Fanta is a fruit-flavored carbonated drink (often orange flavor). "Fanta Sea" (fantasy) is a pun that has been printed on many images. "If Kel loves orange soda, swimming in it would…

July 12, 2020
Food/Drink

“I had a dream that I was swimming in orange soda. Turned out it was just a Fanta sea”

Fanta is a fruit-flavored carbonated drink (often orange flavor). "Fanta Sea" (fantasy) is a pun that has been printed on many images. "If Kel loves orange soda, swimming in it would…

July 12, 2020
Food/Drink

“I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda. It was a Fanta sea”

Fanta is a fruit-flavored carbonated drink (often orange flavor). "Fanta Sea" (fantasy) is a pun that has been printed on many images. "If Kel loves orange soda, swimming in it would…

May 9, 2017
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I had a dream to read other people’s minds. Then I joined Facebook”

"I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account, and I’m over it" is a jocular Facebook saying that has been printed on many images.…

September 27, 2018
Food/Drink

“I had a job where I had to put shredded cheese back together. It was de-grating”

"Degrading" should not be confused with "de-grating," but there are jokes. "Sometimes I try to put shredded cheese back together, but then I feel like that's degrating…

November 6, 2016
Work/Businesses

“I had a life…but my job ate it”

"I had a life...but my job ate it" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many bumper stickers. "Bumper sticker of the day: I had a life but my job ate it" was posted to…

January 16, 2021
Work/Businesses

“I had a lot of stuff to do today. Now I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow”

"I had a lot of stuff to do today. Now I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow" is a jocular saying about procrastination that has been printed on many images. "I had a lot of stuff to…

January 3, 2016
Transportation

“I had a pleasure trip—took my mother-in-law to the airport”

A popular mother-in-law joke was told in "The Lockhorns" comic strip in 1972: "JUST RETURNED FROM A PLEASURE TRIP -- DRIVING MY MOTHER-IN-LAW TO THE AIRPORT." The joke is…

January 13, 2017
Food/Drink

“I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy”

A "ploughman's lunch" (a lunch that ploughmen in the United Kingdom like to eat) consists of cheese, pickle and bread. A popular joke is: "I had a ploughman's lunch the…

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BARRY POPIK is a contributor to the Oxford English Dictionary, Dictionary of American Regional English, Historical Dictionary of American Slang, Yale Book of Quotations and Dictionary of Modern Proverbs. Since 1990 he has also been a regular contributor to Gerald Cohen's Comments on Etymology.

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