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January 12, 2017
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I used to be a freelance journalist, but I wasn’t very good at it. Lance is still in prison”

"Freelance" journalism isn't about freeing someone named Lance, but there's a joke: "I used to be a freelance journalist, but I was crap. Lance is still in prison."…

July 12, 2019
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted” (Mae West)

"Pure As the Snow, But She Drifted" was the title of an entertainment that was printed in the Butte (MT) Miner on May 16, 1917. "'She was as pure and as white as snow.'…

January 4, 2020
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I used to think that sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me…”

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names/words will never harm me” is a classic children's rhyme. A joke variation was posted on Twitter by Steph Marie on May 5, 2011: "I used…

December 31, 2024
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account, and now I’m over it”

"I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account, and I’m over it" is a jocular Facebook saying that has been printed on many images.…

June 8, 2024
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole”

"I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole" is a jocular social media saying that has been printed on many images. The ssaying was posted on…

January 25, 2025
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I want to make a font joke, but I’m just not bold enough”

“@iNusku: I want to make a font joke, but I'm just not bold enough" (the original tweet is no longer available) was posted on X/Twitter by Pkitass on May 24, 2011. "I would make a…

January 31, 2025
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I wanted to follow my dreams, but they blocked me”

"Follow your dreams" is a common saying that has been printed on many images. It usually doesn't refer to a follow on social media, but there are jokes. "I wanted to follow my…

May 8, 2019
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I was accused of illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia. I said I could explain everything”

Can Wikipedia explain everything? A joke was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on March 9, 2015: "I was accused of illegally downloading the entirety of Wikipedia. I told them I could explain…

January 31, 2025
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I was following my dreams, but they blocked me”

"Follow your dreams" is a common saying that has been printed on many images. It usually doesn't refer to a follow on social media, but there are jokes. "I wanted to follow my…

July 12, 2018
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/InternetPets (Dogs, Cats, Horses)

“I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So I clicked ‘Add to cart’”

Online shopping often has the option "Add to cart." This cart doesn't involve a horse, but a joke was posted on Twitter by sickipediabot on September 29, 2010: "I was shopping…

December 22, 2024
Food/DrinkMedia/Newspapers/Magazines/InternetRadio/Television

“I wasn’t allowed to watch ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ as a kid because of my Peanut allergy”

Peanuts is a syndicated comic strip that was published from 1950 to 2000. Some Peanuts television holiday specials featured the Charlie Brown and Snoopy characters. Peanuts has nothing to do with a…

March 18, 2024
Food/DrinkMedia/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I went on an online video call and a picture of a can of spam appeared on my screen. I think it was a zoom meat tin”

"Zoom meeting" is sometimes joked as "zoom meat tin." "Just gone online for a video conference call.. A can of corned beef popped up on my screen.. Must be a zoom meat…

May 8, 2024
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I went to a meeting of recovering hackers. It was called Anonymous Anonymous”

There are many "Anonymous" help groups, like Alcoholics Anonymous. What would a hackers group be called? "What was the hackers' rehabilitation meeting called? Anonymous…

January 8, 2020
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I whispered because I didn’t want Zuckerberg to hear us. She laughed. I laughed. Siri laughed”

A joke about surveillance mentions Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, Amazon Alexa and/or Apple's Siri. "My son asked me why I speak so softly in the house. I said I was afraid the NSA was…

April 17, 2024
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I wish Facebook would notify me when someone unfriends me so I could like it”

Facebook does not notify when someone is unfriended. Many people are happy to see false friends leave. "I wish Facebook would notify me when someone unfriends me, that way I could (go) like…

April 18, 2024
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I wish Facebook would notify me when someone unfriends me, that way I could go like it”

Facebook does not notify when someone is unfriended. Many people are happy to see false friends leave. "I wish Facebook would notify me when someone unfriends me, that way I could (go) like…

February 11, 2025
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I wish Twitter had like a comedy mode where you would only see funny tweets”

Many people want to see humor on social media, and not political arguments. "I wish there was a way to only see funny tweets" was posted on X/Twitter by You on May 12, 2018. "I wish…

March 8, 2023
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I wonder how many miles I’ve scrolled with my thumb”

"I wonder how many miles I’ve scrolled with my thumb" is a saying that has been printed on many images. "When I tweet I wonder how many miles my thumb scrolled" was posted on…

November 9, 2020
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I wonder if the Arachnophobia Hotline has a web site”

"Arachnophobia" is the fear of spiders (and spider webs). This has nothing to do with the world wide web, but there are jokes. "Does anyone know if the Arachnophobia Helpline has a…

November 9, 2020
Media/Newspapers/Magazines/Internet

“I wonder if the arachnophobia support group has a web site”

"Arachnophobia" is the fear of spiders (and spider webs). This has nothing to do with the world wide web, but there are jokes. "Does anyone know if the Arachnophobia Helpline has a…

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About the Website and Editor

BARRY POPIK is a contributor to the Oxford English Dictionary, Dictionary of American Regional English, Historical Dictionary of American Slang, Yale Book of Quotations and Dictionary of Modern Proverbs. Since 1990 he has also been a regular contributor to Gerald Cohen's Comments on Etymology.

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