“When your kids are learning how to drive, don’t stand in their way”
"Don't stand in their way" usually means don't oppose, but a joke takes this literally. "Our friend, E. J. Canada, over in Luther, says that if your wife wants to learn to…
Texas (Lone Star State Dictionary)
“When your legs get tired, run with your heart”
"When your legs are/get tired, run with your heart" is a popular saying that has been printed on many posters. "When your legs burn, run with your heart" was cited on Twitter in…
“When your opponent is drowning, throw the son of a bitch an anvil”
Political consultant James Carville explained a favored phrase in his book All's Fair (1995): "When your opponent is drowning, throw the son of a bitch an anvil. — the CEO of a large…
“When your work speaks for itself, don’t interrupt”
"When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt" is a popular work saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was printed in an April 11, 1947 Richmond (VA)…
“When YouTube plays an unskippable ad but you look away so they don’t win”
"When YouTube plays an unskippable ad but you look away so they don't win" (shown with a picture of a person looking away from a screen) has been printed on many images. this image…
“Whenever a waiter asks me how I want my steak, I always say ‘free’”
Waiters ask how a diner would like a steak to be cooked, such as "rare" or "medium" or "well done." A joke on this was published by John Wagner’s Maxine comic…
“Whenever I drive into a parking garage with a low ceiling, I duck my head down in my car”
"I tend to duck my head a little when I pull into the airport-parking garage so I don't hit my head" was printed in the book Women Fly (2001) by Martha Dreskin. "Today, I…
“Whenever I get asked to do something I don’t want to do I just answer ‘in a pandemic?’”
The 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic resulted in many cancellations. Many people quarantined at home. "Whenever I get asked to do something I don’t want to do I just answer 'in a…
“Whenever I go running, I meet new people…like paramedics”
"Whenever I go running, I meet new people...like paramedics" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "EVERY TIME I JOG, I MEET NEW PEOPLE. OF COURSE, THEY'RE…
“Whenever I have to fill out a form that asks ‘who to call in case of an emergency,’ I always put ‘ambulance’...”
Many forms ask who to call in case of an emergency. "Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'An…
“Whenever I hear the phrase ‘Power of Attorney’ I always imagine someone being bitten by…”
"Whenever I hear the phrase 'Power of Attorney' I always imagine someone being bitten by a radioactive lawyer" is a joke that was posted on Twitter by JerryThomas on June 24,…
“Whenever I say the word ‘exercise’ I wash my mouth out with chocolate”
"Whenever I say the word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate" (or "Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate"…
“Whenever I see a bottle, jar or tube with Aloe Vera on it, I will say ‘Allo Vera! in a stupid cockney accent”
"Aloe vera" (a plant species) can sound like "Hello, Vera" (or "Allo, Vera"), and there are jokes. "hehehe... english speaking people saying Aloë Vera... sounds…
“Whenever I see a commercial with a woman in a tub with two cucumber slices on her eyes…”
"Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with cucumber slices on her eyes, I wonder where the rest of it is" is a jocular saying that was posted on Twitter…
“Whenever I see a sign that says ‘keep off the grass,‘I wonder how it got there”
A joke about "keep off the grass" signs is: "Whenever I see a sign saying 'keep off the grass', I often wonder how it got there." That is, someone must have walked on…
“Whenever I see a warning label on peanut butter saying it may contain peanuts, I understand why aliens don’t visit us anymore”
Peanut butter jars have a warning label cautioning those with peanut allergies, "May contain peanuts." Duh. "My favorite thing about peanut butter is that it specifies that it may…
“Whenever I see an iPad at a cash register, I know that I’m about to tip for something I never had to tip for before”
Many people go to a drive-thru at a place like Starbucks and are confronted with an iPad, and the question of what amount they want to tip. This was posted on X/Twitter by Bobby C on April 1, 2022,…
“Whenever I see other people pour a glass of wine and only fill it halfway, I’m like okay…”
"I always see adults pour a glass of wine and only fill it halfway and I’m like okay one of us is doing it wrong and I think it’s you" and "Sometimes I see people pour a glass of…
“Whenever I want a Klondike bar, I just pay for it”
A Klondike bar is an ice cream bar coated with a thin layer of chocolate. "What would you do for a Klondike bar?" is a memorable ad jingle that began in 1982. "When I want a Klondike…
“Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up”
"Keep your chin up!" means to stay hopeful during difficult times. Fat people often have double chins. "Whenever I'm feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my…