“I’ve failed math so many times I can’t even count”
"I've failed math so many times I can't even count" is a jocular line that has been printed on T-shirts and ecards. "I failed maths so many times I can't even…
Exercise/Running/Health Clubs
“I’ve found the key to happiness. Stay away from assholes”
"I've found the key to happiness. Stay away from assholes" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I have found the key to happiness... Stay away from…
“I’ve given up my job in the circus because it was too difficult to juggle work and family”
A joke about working in the circus was posted on Twitter by Jem Brookes on February 11, 2012: "I've given up my job in the circus because it was too difficult to juggle work and…
“I’ve got a friend who reckons he can make high cuisine out of stock cubes. What an Oxo moron”
Oxo stock cubes (a food brand) has been the subject of "Oxo moron" (oxymoron) jokes. "What do you call someone who can't make stock from a cube? An oxo moron!…
“I’ve got a fruit fetish. Well, that’s according to my currant girlfriend”
"Currant" (a dried berry) sounds like "current." "My currant girlfriend just dumped me. I guess everything happens for a raisin," English comedian Darren Walsh posted…
“I’ve got a job as part of a human chess board. I’m on knights this week”
People on a human chess board work as kings, queens, bishops, knights, rooks and pawns. A joke was posted on Twitter on September 8, 2014: "I've just started work as a human chess…
“I’ve got a million of ‘em” (comedy saying)
"I've got a million of 'em" is what Manhattan-born actor and comedian Jimmy Durante (1893-1980) often said after telling a corny joke. The line probably originated in the…
“I’ve got a pen and a phone” (executive authority)
U.S. President Barack Obama said on January 14, 2014, that if Congress didn't act on legislation, he would try to go around that legislative body: “I’ve got a pen and I’ve got a…
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock”
Entry in progress -- B.P. Wikipedia: Henny YoungmanHenry "Henny" Youngman (original Yiddish surname Yungman; 16 March 1906 – 24 February 1998) was an English-born American comedian and…
“I’ve got it all together. I just forgot where I put it”
"I've got it all together. I just forgot where I put it" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I Finally Got It All Together, But I Forgot Where I Put…
“I’ve got mood poisoning. It must be something that I hate”
"I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate" (or "I got mood poisoning at work. It must be something I hate") -- a pun on "food poisoning" and…
“I’ve got no problems with genetically modified food. Just had a lovely leg of salmon”
A joke about genetically modified food is: "I don't know what all the fuss is about genetically modified food. I had a lovely leg of salmon the other day." The "leg of…
“I’ve got the same Easter plans as Jesus. Disappear on Friday, show up on Monday”
An Easter joke is: Wife: What are your plans for Easter?Husband: Same as Jesus..I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday. The joke was posted on Twitter by MAHLEKZA on April 3, 2015.…
“I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes. Doctor says it’s terminal”
Many airport jokes/puns involve the double meaning of the word "terminal." "Airport puns go! I'm trying not to contract any diseases while waiting to board my plane. I hear…
“I’ve got to stay home. I have a case of anal blindness…” (work joke)
A joke has an employee calling a boss and explaining that he/she is not feeling well and suffers from "anal blindness." What is anal blindness? "I can't see my ass/arse coming…
“I’ve grown to hate low ceilings”
"I've grown to hate low ceilings" is a jocular one-line saying that takes the expression "grown to hate" with literal physical growth. "I've grown to hate low…
“I’VE HAD IT WITH CAPITALISM. i think i’ll give lowercaseism a try”
Sometimes "capitalism" just means capital letters. "lowercaseism: antonym of capitalism....the practice of not using any capital letters" was posted on Twitter by Jim Gleeson on…
“I’ve heard all of the bowling jokes there are, so please spare me”
Several bowling puns use the expression "spare me." "Want to hear a joke about bowling? Spare me" was posted on Facebook by Jim Abbas on February 28, 2012. "Please, spare…
“I’ve joined the local Dyslexia Brass Band. I play the Toblerone”
"Trombone" (a musical instrument in the brass family) shouldn't be confused with "Toblerone" (a Swiss chocolate brand), but there are jokes. "I am so proud of my…
“I’ve just been offered 8 legs of venison for $100. Is that two deer?”
"Too dear" (too expensive) sounds like "two deer." Of course, there's a venison joke. "Silly question. Like the chap who was offered eight legs of venison and asked,…