“I would’ve kept off the grass, but I don’t understand sign language”
There are many "Keep off the Grass" signs. A joke was posted on the website Tearable Puns on September 19, 2014: "I would've kept off the grass, but I don't understand sign…
Exercise/Running/Health Clubs
“I would’ve never imagined my hands would consume more alcohol than my liver”
The 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic caused many people to use alcohol-based sanitizers on their hands. "I never thought in my entire life that my hands would consume more alcohol than my…
“I wouldn’t be in the checkout line if I hadn’t found everything I was looking for. So why ask if I found everything I was looking for?”
When a customer reaches a store's checkout, the customer is often asked if they found everything they were looking for. If a customer didn't find something, the store usually provides…
“I wouldn’t say coffee solves all my problems, but it stops me from creating some new ones”
"Coffee doesn't solve all my problems, but I'm fairly confident it stops me from creating some new ones" is a coffee saying that has been printed on many images. The saying has…
“I wouldn’t say I’m a coffee addict. I prefer the term ‘exceptionally caffeine absorbent’”
"I wouldn't say I'm a coffee addict. I prefer the term 'exceptionally caffeine absorbent'" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. The saying (shown…
“I wouldn’t start from here” (joke)
An old joke is told about a big city motorist who is lost in the countryside. He asks a local how to get to a big city. (Various cities have been named in the joke.) The local tries to give him…
“I wouldn’t vote for you if you were St. Peter!”/“If I were, you wouldn’t be in my district!”
An old political joke (cited in print from at least 1940), has a political heckler saying, "I wouldn't vote for you if you were St. Peter himself." The politician swiftly answers…
“I write short fiction. They’re ‘to-do lists’”
For some people, a "to-do list" is a short list of things that they wish to do, but will not. "I’m really into writing short fiction, mainly to-do lists" was posted on…
“I write songs about sewing machines. I’m a Singer songwriter”
The Singer Corporation makes sewing machines. Of course, there are jokes about musical singers. "#wokeupthismorning to compose another ditty about an old-fashioned sewing machine. That's…
“I-rish you a very nice place to live, I-rish God’s greatest gifts he’ll give…”
An Irish poem (popular on St. Patrick's Day) is: "I-rish you a very nice place to live,I-rish God's greatest gifts he'll give.I-rish you health, and wealth, and more--I-rish…
“I, for one, like Roman numerals”
"I, for one, like Roman numerals" -- "I'" is the Roman numeral for "one" -- is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many images. The saying was…
“I’d be a bum on the street with a tin cup if the markets were always efficient” (Warren Buffett)
"I'd be a bum on the street with a tin cup if the markets were always efficient" was said by billionaire investor Warren Buffett and published in the April 3, 1995 issue of Fortune…
“I’d be sooooo pissed if I were a bee and someone took all my hard-earned honey and put it in a container shaped like a bear. A bear is my enemy. You mock me”
Honey bear shaped squeezable containers for honey are very popular. The first bottles were created in 1957 by Ralph and Luella Gamber, founders of Dutch Gold Honey (from Pennsylvania). Bears…
“I’d call myself a politician, but then I would just be a liar…”
A joke about politicians and lying is: "I'd call myself a politician, but then I would just be a liar. So, basically, I would be a politician." The joke was posted on Reddit -- Jokes…
“I’d demand a recount” (William F. Buckley, Jr., Conservative, if elected mayor in 1965)
William F. Buckley, Jr. ran in 1965 for mayor of New York City. As a Conservative. He did get about 13% of he vote. He was asked what he would do if he won the race. Buckley issued his classic…
“I’d enjoy summer a lot more if someone came by hourly and misted me like produce”
"I'd enjoy summer a lot more if someone came by hourly and misted me like produce" is a jocular saying that has been printed on several images. The saying was posted on X/Twitter by…
“I’d go to a strip club, but it’s always the same old thong and dance”
"Song and dance" is a New York slang phrase that dates to the 19th century. Strips clubs give the same old "thong and dance." "Thong bikinis and nude dance clubs (same old…
“I’d like extra hot fudge.”/“Sorry, all of our fudge is the same temperature.”
" can you pick up a peanut buster parfait for me, with extra hot fudge? (Sorry, all of our hot fudge is the same temperature...)" was posted on X/Twitter by Bill Jelen on August 2, 2013.…
“I’d like to apologize to anyone I haven’t yet offended. Please be patient”
"I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly" is a jocular saying (popular on social media) that has been printed on many…
“I’d like to apologize to anyone I’ve not yet offended. Please be patient”
"I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly" is a jocular saying (popular on social media) that has been printed on many…