“I have a smart phone with a dumb battery”
"I have a smart phone with a dumb battery" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many images. "Smart phone has a dumb battery" was posted on Twitter on April 17,…
Food/Drink
“I have a step ladder. I never knew my real ladder”
Are step-ladders like step-fathers? "I have a step ladder. I never knew my real ladder" is a popular joke of uncertain origin. "It's not my REAL ladder. It's my…
“I have a Supreme Court figure—no appeal”
The U.S. Supreme Court is the highest court in the United States; there is no appeal of its decisions. "Tom Howard of 'It Pays to Be Ignorant' said that Lulu McConnell has a supreme…
“I have a weight problem—I can’t wait to eat”
"I have a weight problem -- I can't wait to eat!" is a pun that has been printed on T-shirts. "I've got a weight problem -- I can't wait to eat!" has been cited…
“I have abandoned my search for truth and am now looking for a corndog”
"I have abandoned my search for truth and am now looking for a corndog" is a jocular saying that has been printed on T-shirts. A T-shirt was posted on X/Twitter by Terius FX on October 5,…
“I have absolutely no desire to fit in with a world that accepts tyrants for rulers”
"I have absolutely no desire to fit in with a world that accepts tyrants for rulers" is a saying that has been printed on several images. "I have absolutely no desire to fit into a…
“I have added ‘extensive experience in dealing with stupid people’ to my resume”
"I've decided to add 'extensive experience in dealing with stupid people' to my resume. That has got to be a marketable skill" is a saying that has been printed on many…
“I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature”
Wendy's fast food restaurants serve square hamburgers. This was posted on X/Twitter by Dead Pan Nick on December 5, 2013, and received over 6,900 likes: "I have always been suspicious of…
“I have an addiction to snorting powdered fruit drink mix. Anybody got a punch line?”
A joke about Kool-Aid (or another fruit-flavored powdered drink mix) is: " I have an addiction to snorting Kool-Aid (powdered drink mix). Anybody got a punch line?" "I'm so…
“I have an addiction to tag. It’ll be touch and go, whether I need professional help”
Jokes about the game of tag are very "touch and go." "I'm proud to say that I have finally beaten my addiction to playing Tag, but it was touch and go there for a while"…
“I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings…”
"I have an eating disorder; I’m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets" is a jocular line that has been printed on several ecards. "o noes…
“I have an impersonal trainer. We meet at the gym, we don’t talk, he works out alone and I go home”
Many people who go to the gym to work out have a personal trainer. Are there impersonal trainers? "I have an impersonal trainer. We meet at the gym, we don't talk, he works out alone and…
“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s just not a very good one”
"I have an inferiority complex, but it's (just) not a very good one" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I have an inferiority complex, but it is not a…
“I have an open door policy. You bring beer, I’ll open the door”
"I have an open door policy. You bring beer, I'll open the door" is a saying, with many variations, that has been printed on many images "Open Door Policy. Show up with Wine,…
“I have been pressing ‘remind me tomorrow’ on my computer update for 7 years now”
X/Twitter olivia @oliviuuuuhh have clicked ‘remind me tomorrow’ every day for 8 years on computer update notification cause it’s part of my nighttime routine now 9:13 PM · Sep 12, 2022 ,a…
“I have been staring at an orchard to tell the time. It’s an Apple Watch”
An Apple Watch is not the same as watching apples, but there are jokes. "The only 'Apple watch' I'll be doing this autumn is at an orchard #amirite" was posted on Twitter…
“I have been watching Fox News for six hours and there has been no news about foxes”
The Fox News Channel doesn't usually have news about foxes, but there are jokes. "I have been watching Fox News for six hours and there has been no news about foxes.…
“I have calf brains, stewed kidneys, pickled pigs’ feet…” (Dallas waitress joke?)
Boyce House told the following joke in his 1955 book, You Can Always Tell a Texan (But You Can't Tell Him Much): "A man who was just getting over a spree entered a Dallas cafe and sat…
“I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don’t believe anything the government tells me”
"I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me. Nothing. Zero" is a saying credited to American stand-up comedian George Carlin…
“I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop”
Some people would rather fake it than exercise. This was posted on Twitter by MomofTeen on April 19, 2018: "I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop."…