“I decided to cross the road, not because I’m brave, but because I’m chicken”
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"To get to the other side" is a classic riddle from the 19th century. One version is: "I decided to cross the road, not because…
Food/Drink
“I decided to greet my coworkers with a ‘Congrats on not dying in your sleep’”
"Good morning, Warren, and congratulations on once again not dying in your sleep…" is a jocular version of "good morning" that was posted on Twitter by Munsi on January 3,…
“I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today. I just showed up to work 20 minutes early”
One disadvantage of speeding -- besides potentially getting a speeding ticket -- is that the driver might arrive at a destination too early. "I definitely learned my lesson about speeding…
“I designed a website for orphans. There isn’t a home page”
A joke about a website's home page is: "I designed a website for orphans. There isn't a home page." The joke was posted on Twitter on April 15, 2015 and was originally posted on…
“I did a lot of dumb stuff, but I never got a fish filet from McDonald’s”
Many people believe that McDonald's (an American multinational fast food chain) is best for hamburgers, and not its fish sandwich. "I did a lot of dumb stuff but I never got a fish filet…
“I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words”
"I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words" os a jocular saying that has been printed on an ecard. The saying was on Twitter on February 24, 2011. Similar jokes…
“I did not hear the question, but the answer is definitely coffee”
"I did not hear the question, but the answer is definitely coffee" is a coffee saying that has been printed on several images. "I didn't really hear the question but I know the…
“I did not see that cumin”
"I did not see that cumin" -- like the saying "I did not see that coming" -- is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "As a result of the oregano post, we…
“I did really well on my Roman history test. I got a C”
A "C" is a letter grade. "C" is a Roman numeral for 100. "Thank you sweet baby jesus i got a C on my roman history test :D" was posted on Twitter by Amanda Kramer on…
“I didn’t ask you to dance. I said you look fat in those pants”
A classic failed pickup line -- and snarky response -- is: Man: Do you want to dance? Woman: No! Man: I think you misheard me. I said you look fat in those pants. The joke has been cited in print…
“I didn’t believe there was a sauce made from oil and egg yolks, but then I saw it with mayonnaise!”
"Mayonnaise" can sound a bit like "my own eyes." "'I saw it with mayonnaise' '..What?' 'With my own eyes' #fakeaccentproblems" was posted…
“I didn’t choose the mug life. The mug life chose me”
"I didn't choose the mug life. The mug life chose me" is a jocular coffee saying that has been printed on many images. The pun is on the term "thug life." "I…
“I didn’t claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables”
"I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables" was the newsgroup signature of Dwight Tovey in 1991; it is not known if he coined the phrase, which quickly…
“I didn’t come this far to only come this far”
"I didn't come this far to only come this far" is a motivational saying that has been printed on many images. "From a FB friend: 'I didn't come this far, to only come…
“I didn’t get there by wishing for it or hoping for it, but by working for it” (Estée Lauder)
"I never dreamed about success. I worked for it" is a motivational saying that has been printed on many images. American businessperson Estée Lauder (1908-2004) -- born Josephine Esther…
“I didn’t misgender you, you misgendered you, and I refused to play along”
"I didn't misgender you, you misgendered you, and I refused to play along" is a transgender saying that has been printed on many images. "I didn’t misgender you! You…
“I didn’t realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo”
“This ain’t my first rodeo” (or "This is not my first rodeo") is a popular saying. It is an expression that means "I wasn't born yesterday" (I'm not naive in…
“I didn’t realize that my parents teaching me to tell the truth when I was a child…”
Entry in progress -- BP FacebookColleen WatersOctober 15, 2021 at 4:57 AM · Friday , been a good girl all week not been fb banned (yet) but most likely still on the watch list 👀😇(The…
“I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.”
"I didn't say it was your fault -- I said I was going to blame you" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many gift items, such as posters and T-shirts. The saying is what a…
“I didn’t think my son stole from his trig teacher until I saw his room. All the sines were there”
"I never wanted to believe that my dad stole from his job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there” is a now-classic pun. There are math versions ("all the sines…