“How late does the band play?” (joke)
Drummers often play to their own beat. A popular joke involves a bar customer who is listening to a jazz band: BAR CUSTOMER (to bartender): Hey buddy, how late does the band play?BARTENDER: Oh,…
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“How long before Manwich is deemed offensive and called gender neutral meat sauce?”
"How long before Manwich is deemed offensive and called gender neutral meat sauce?" is a food saying that has been printed on several images. Many commercial products have tried to go…
“How long do chickens work?”/“Around the cluck.”
"Around the clock" is used in a chicken pun as "around the cluck." This version was printed on a 1961 newspaper: Pat: "Is raising chickens hard work?"Mike: "It…
“How long do chickens work?”/“Around the cluck.”
"Around the clock" is used in a chicken pun as "around the cluck." This version was printed on a 1961 newspaper: Pat: "Is raising chickens hard work?"Mike: "It…
“How long does it take to eat a tire?”/“A good year.”
A popular riddle on a famous tire company is: Q: How long does it take to eat a tire?A: A good year (Goodyear). "How long does it take an elephant to eat a tire? A good year (Goodyear)"…
“How long does it take to reheat fish in the microwave?”/“Tuna half minutes.”
"Tuna half" sounds like "two and a half," and there are jokes. "No, #Siri, I don't want a timer set for t'una half' minutes" was posted on X/Twitter by…
“How long does it take to tune a 12-string guitar?”/“Nobody knows.”
The classic musical instrument joke is: Q: How long does it take to tune a 12-string guitar?A: Nobody knows. It's never been done. The joke has been cited in print since at least 1998, when it…
“How long have you been chopping wood for?”/“I’m not sure, I’ll check the logs.”
A time pun was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on June 11, 2016: "How long have you been chopping wood for?""I'm not sure, I'll check the logs." The joke was posted on…
“How long have you been working at that office?”/“Ever since they threatened to fire me.”
An old joke has a new company employee ask an old company employee, "How long have you been working here?" The old employee responds, "Ever since they threatened to fire me."…
“How long have you been working for the company?”/“Ever since the boss threatened to fire me.”
An old joke has a new company employee ask an old company employee, "How long have you been working here?" The old employee responds, "Ever since they threatened to fire me."…
“How long should you microwave fish for?”/“Tuna half minutes.”
"Tuna half" sounds like "two and a half," and there are jokes. "No, #Siri, I don't want a timer set for t'una half' minutes" was posted on X/Twitter by…
“How long will the next bus be?”/“Same length as this one.”
People at a bus stop often ask how long the wait until the next bus will be. "How long will the next bus be?" they ask. "Same length as this one" is a joke reply from the bus…
“How many accountants does it take to change a lightbulb?” (joke)
An accountant version of the "lightbulb joke" is: Q: How many accountants does it take to change a lightbulb?A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?A: How many did it take last year?…
“How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?” (joke)
A popular actor "light bulb" joke was told by American actor Matthew Broderick in 1985: Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?A: One hundred. One to do it, and 99 to say…
“How many Aggies/Texans does it take to eat an armadillo?”
This one has made the rounds of several internet joke files: Q: How many Aggies/Texans does it take to eat an armadillo?A: Three. One to eat the creature, and two to stop traffic. Google Groups:…
“How many altos does it take to screw in a light bulb?” (joke)
Singers have popular jokes on how many it takes to screw in a lightbulb: Q: How many altos does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they can't get up that high. The joke has been cited…
“How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a lightbulb?”/“To get to the other side!”
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"To get to the other side" is a classic riddle from the 19th century. Another popular riddle is the "lightbulb joke," asking how…
“How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?”/“Tenants.”
"Tenants" is a word that sets up the obvious joke: Q: How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?A: Ten ants (tenants). "How many ants make a landlord? 10 ants (tenants)" was…
“How many apples grow on a tree?/“All of them.”
"How many apples grow on a tree?" is a popular children's riddle. "All of them" is the answer. The joke has been cited in print since at least 1976. "How many…
“How many Austinites does it take to change a light bulb?” (joke)
"Keep Austin Weird" is an unofficial motto of Austin, urging the city to stay true to its hippie, counterculture roots. The old "lightbulb joke" has an Austin version: Q: How…