“My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes” (joke)
"Pancakes" is slang for small breasts. A joke is: "My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up…
Alphebetical for "m"
“My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. I can’t read a word now”
There's a difference between putting the name of a food on the shopping list and putting the actual food on the list, but there are jokes. "My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping…
“My wife asked me to take her to one of those places where they make the food in front of you…”
At a restaurant such as Benihana, they make the food in front of diners. They also make the food in front of customers at Subway, a fast food chain restaurant. "#wifeher if her idea of a…
“My wife asked me what the female version of the ‘man cave’ was. I told her the kitchen”
What's the female version of a man cave? The answer of "kitchen" might get one in trouble. "The same neanderthals that came up with the term 'man cave' probably think…
“My wife asked me, ‘Did you eat my chocolate in the cupboard?’” (joke)
A chocolate joke (sometimes told on Valentine's Day) was posted on Twitter by Sickipedia_Feed on March 21, 2012: "My wife asked me, 'Did you eat my chocolate in the…
“My wife asked why I carry a gun around the house. I told her: fear of CIA. She laughed…”
A joke about home surveillance was posted on Twitter by Ron Futrell on March 7, 2017, and received over 23,700 likes: "My wife asked why I carried a gun around the house. I told her:fear of…
“My wife broke up with me because I’m a compulsive gambler…” (joke)
A joke about gambling was posted on Twitter by Nope, Can't Think on November 18, 2014: "My wife broke up with me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler. All I can think about is how…
“My wife complains I don’t buy her flowers. To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers”
"My wife is always complaining that I never buy her flowers. In my defense, I didn't even know she sold flowers" was posted on Twitter by Andrew Mexo O'Connor (and others) on…
“My wife dressed up as a nurse to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance”
Many men have fantasies about sexy nurses, but a joke puts a twist on this. "My wife asked me what my biggest fantasy was. I told her for her to dress like a sexy nurse and tell me I have…
“My wife dresses to kill; she cooks the same way”
"My wife dresses to kill -- and she cooks the same way" is a joke that has been credited to New York comedian and "king of the one-liners" Henny Youngman (1906-1998), but the…
“My wife found I was cheating when she saw the letters I was hiding…” (Scrabble joke)
A Scrabble joke has become a dadjoke classic. Authorship is uncertain. "My wife found the letters I had been hiding & realized I'd been cheating. She swears she'll never play…
“My wife gets annoyed if I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and lemonade & she’s sangria”
"He's/She's sangria" sounds like "he's/she's angrier." "My brother keeps getting mad that I tamper with his red wine. So I added some oranges and…
“My wife gets turned on by shopping. It seems she’s buy-sexual”
"Buy-sexual" (or "buysexual") is a shopping pun on the word "bisexual." "The most accurate way to describe her sexuality is to state that it is inextricably…
“My wife got ‘romantic’ today. It’s the best Scrabble score she’s ever had”
"My Wife got romantic the other night. It was the best Scrabble score she's ever had" was posted on Twitter by Mα† Thε Dαmηεd on April 13, 2018. "My wife got…
“My wife has OCD and arranges dinner plates. It’s a very rare dish order”
"Disorder" can sound a little like "dish order." "My mate has OCD. He's obsessed with organising dinner plates by weight & size. It's a very rare…
“My wife is leaving me because I’ve put CCTV all round the house. I can see where she’s coming from”
Many people put closed-circuit television around their homes. "My wifes threatened to leave me because I've installed cctv all over the house......I can see where she's coming from…
“My wife is leaving me because of my Star Wars obsession. I said, ‘May divorce be with you’”
"May the Force be with you" is a famous line from the Star Wars films. "May divorce be with you" is a popular joke. "May Divorce Be with You" was an episode of the…
“My wife just called me, ‘Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers’” (joke)
A Valentine's Day joke was posted on Twitter by Marc Gatland on February 14, 2012" Wife: "3 girls at work have received flowers today, they're absolutely gorgeous."Me:…
“My wife just gave me a restraining order. Who knew there was a correct way to use a colander?”
A colander is a kitchen utensil used to strain foods. "My wife told me I was using the colander incorrectly, so she gave me a restraining order..." was posted on Twitter by…
“My wife left a note on the fridge that said ‘This isn’t working’” (joke)
A popular joke about a refrigerator is: "My wife left a note on the fridge that said 'This isn't working I'm going to my mom's.' I opened up the fridge. The light was…