American comedian Rita Rudner said of Thanksgiving: "My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow." It's not known when Rudner first said it, but…
Calvin Trillin -- frequently described as "America's funniest food writer" -- is often credited with this joke about leftovers: "The most remarkable thing about my mother is…
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" is what a parent might say to a child -- although food can't get in the mouth if it's shut. "Some of the funniest memories came from…
"My muffin top is now a pound cake" is a saying that has been printed on many images. That is, the speaker has gone from fat in the middle (muffin top) to fat all around (pound cake).…
"Got a long well" is not the same was "got along well," but there are jokes. "My neighbor and I are good friends. So we thought we share our water supply. We got a long…
"Asphalt" sounds like "ass fault." A pun was posted on Reddit -- Jokes on August 5, 2017: "My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall, but it was his dumb…
"I have joined the war on drugs on the side of drugs" (or "I'm joining the war on drugs on the side of drugs") is a saying that has been printed on many images. "I’m…
Three jokes involve a bull and the pun of "charging too much." "We had a bull come to our front door selling red capes, but he was charging way too much" was posted on Facebook…
"My neighbors listen to good music, whether they like it or not" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many images. "My neighbors listen to great music. Whether they…
"My neighbors listen to good music, whether they like it or not" is a jocular one-line saying that has been printed on many images. "My neighbors listen to great music. Whether they…
Some people light fireworks both before and after July 4th (Independence Day). "My neighbors with the fireworks celebrate the twelve days of July 4th" was posted on X/Twitter by Simon…
"Dr. Awkward" is a palindrome -- that is, it reads the same backwards and forwards. "I have a Ph.D in awkwardness... Call me Dr. Awkward" is a joke that was posted on Twitter by…
"24/7" means "24 hours a day, 7 days a week" -- all the time. It does not mean "July 24th," but there have been several jokes about that. "You work 24/7? Wow, I…
"My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says 'declined' whenever you use it" is a jocular line that was cited on Twitter on May 13, 2012. "My…
A joke on the name of "badminton" has been cited in print since at least 2000: "My new dog, Minton, just ate all my shuttlecocks. Bad Minton!" The joke has been printed on…
A business projection's "projected figures" aren't literally projected figures, but there's a popular theater joke. "I've worked out that my new shadow puppet…
"My New Year's resolution is 1080p is a jocuar New Year's one-line saying that has been printed on several images. 1080p is the resolution for high-definition television (HDTV).…
"My New Year's Resolution is for my neighbors to move" was posted on X/Twitter by Tracie Breaux on January 1, 2013. "my new years resolution is for my neighbors to move"…
People often don't stick to new year's resolutions, but what if they buy something velcro? "My New Years Resolution is to buy a velcro wall...and stick to it" was posted on…
Many people make New Year's resolutions to lose weight, but losing weight can be difficult. "My New Year's Resolution is too either lose weight or start hanging out with fat people…