“I’ve got a pen and a phone” (executive authority)
U.S. President Barack Obama said on January 14, 2014, that if Congress didn't act on legislation, he would try to go around that legislative body: “I’ve got a pen and I’ve got a…
Alphebetical for "i"
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock”
Entry in progress -- B.P. Wikipedia: Henny YoungmanHenry "Henny" Youngman (original Yiddish surname Yungman; 16 March 1906 – 24 February 1998) was an English-born American comedian and…
“I’ve got it all together. I just forgot where I put it”
"I've got it all together. I just forgot where I put it" is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. "I Finally Got It All Together, But I Forgot Where I Put…
“I’ve got mood poisoning. It must be something that I hate”
"I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate" (or "I got mood poisoning at work. It must be something I hate") -- a pun on "food poisoning" and…
“I’ve got no problems with genetically modified food. Just had a lovely leg of salmon”
A joke about genetically modified food is: "I don't know what all the fuss is about genetically modified food. I had a lovely leg of salmon the other day." The "leg of…
“I’ve got the same Easter plans as Jesus. Disappear on Friday, show up on Monday”
An Easter joke is: Wife: What are your plans for Easter?Husband: Same as Jesus..I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday. The joke was posted on Twitter by MAHLEKZA on April 3, 2015.…
“I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes. Doctor says it’s terminal”
Many airport jokes/puns involve the double meaning of the word "terminal." "Airport puns go! I'm trying not to contract any diseases while waiting to board my plane. I hear…
“I’ve got to stay home. I have a case of anal blindness…” (work joke)
A joke has an employee calling a boss and explaining that he/she is not feeling well and suffers from "anal blindness." What is anal blindness? "I can't see my ass/arse coming…
“I’ve grown to hate low ceilings”
"I've grown to hate low ceilings" is a jocular one-line saying that takes the expression "grown to hate" with literal physical growth. "I've grown to hate low…
“I’VE HAD IT WITH CAPITALISM. i think i’ll give lowercaseism a try”
Sometimes "capitalism" just means capital letters. "lowercaseism: antonym of capitalism....the practice of not using any capital letters" was posted on Twitter by Jim Gleeson on…
“I’ve just been offered 8 legs of venison for $100. Is that two deer?”
"Too dear" (too expensive) sounds like "two deer." Of course, there's a venison joke. "Silly question. Like the chap who was offered eight legs of venison and asked,…
“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again”
"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again" is a joke that has been printed on many images. ""I've just been on a…
“I’ve just been on Trip Advisor. There’s no information about a twisted ankle and a skinned knee”
Trip Advisor is a website that offers online hotel reservations and transportation bookings. Trip Advisor does not advise about trips and falls, but there are jokes. "I've just been on…
“I’ve just booked a table for Valentine’s Day. I hope she likes pool”
Valentine's Day tables -- at restaurants -- usually have to be booked in advance. A Valentines Day joke about "booking a table" has been printed on several images. "Ive booked a…
“I’ve just checked my home insurance policy and apparently if my blanket is stolen I’m not covered”
A "blanket" insurance policy provides complete coverage -- or doesn't it? "I've just checked my home insurance policy and apparently if my blanket is stolen in the middle…
“I’ve just fallen through the roof of a French bakery. I’m in a world of pain”
"Pain" is the French word for "bread." "If i was to open a french bakery, i'd call it 'world of pain'" was posted on Twitter by Jamie Scott on October…
“I’ve just found out that my Indian name is Chugalottajava”
"I've just found out that my Indian name is Chugalottajava" (or "I just found out my Indian name is...chugalottajava") is a jocular coffee saying that has been printed on…
“I’ve just lost my job as an ice cream tester. I couldn’t do sundaes”
"Sundae" sounds like "Sunday," and there are several jokes. "Just been sacked as an ice cream tester. I refused to do Sundaes" was posted on Twitter by 𝕸𝖆𝖙…
“I’ve just opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos”
To "open a can of worms" is to release chaos, like opening Pandora's box. If one opens a can of worms (for fishing), it is very difficult to close the can. "Commissioner Ed…
“I’ve just opened a shop selling telescopes. Business is looking up”
"'My business is looking up,' as the man with the 'Penny a peep' telescope told the policeman" was printed under "SAM WELLERISMS“ in Judy: The London…